poison

Guilt. It is a nasty poisonous thing in this life of child loss.

It pushes down the good memories .. it drowns out the happy sounds.. it chokes me making it a struggle to catch my breath.

guilt.

I made mistakes. Normal everyday mom mistakes with her. I yelled when I shouldn’t have. I overreacted.. I took out other stresses on her. Especially her.. the eldest of my 4 she bore the brunt of my frustrations..

My Jennifer.  She she was the one I made mistakes on and learned from..

.. I guess she always will be. ..

Because I am better with it now. And every time I do it, that I just take a extra moment before reacting I thank her.

poison

I know all moms do it. I reacted with anger when I should have had understanding. I demanded she do more and be better because she was the oldest..

I yelled at her to be quiet when a baby was crying.. I made her clean up messes that weren’t hers… I wasn’t gentle enough putting her in time out or brushing her hair because I was running late.  ..

Normal things .. I know that.

But what’s also normal is getting the chance to spend the rest of my life parenting her.. In the span of my lifetime these mistakes would grow smaller and quieter.. for both of us.

But I don’t get that.

6 years..

6 years 107 days.

And that’s all the memories,  all the moments I had with her. And the mistakes are loud.. they are vibrant.

Guilt.

It is a nasty poisonous thing in this life of child loss. ..

im so sorry jennifer

forever i will be sorry

….

i wish i could hear you say

it ok mama.

poison1

..until there is a cure..

8 Responses to “poison”

  1. This one puts a pit in my stomach… I am that mom to my almost 6 year old daughter…. oldest child. Makes me sad. I often think of Jennifer and thoughts of her has stopped me in my tracks to react differently or turn a no into a yes…. but I can do so much better. I need to do so much better. I too have guilt and my daughter is living. I feel for you. Leaving for our first trip from Nebraska toady to Disneyland. I will be thinking of you and Jennifer when we are flying in the clouds, when my kids experience Disney for the first time and when my kids experience the ocean for the first time. I hope to let a balloon go in her memory. Love and hugs. And of course prayers!

  2. We all have had those guilty moments, I was 19 when I had my daughter and 21 when I had mom son, I too did all those things with them, when I had my youngest at 30 I was so much more understanding and patient with him, oh how I wish I was that mom with my older two, but we learn as we go Libby, and Jennifer is so lucky to have you as her mom, you are amazing, you are my hero

  3. I read this and my own mom guilt comes to the surface. All we can do is the best we can do in a moment. Maybe that was part of Jennifer’s mission here….to teach you, and so many others through you, the value of a moment with out little ones. No into yes moments and learning to be more patient. Also, I am sure Jennifer will say those exact words to you one day when you join her.

  4. Every single mom on this planet can understand this post regarding the guilt……..but the rest of it is not the norm, like you said. I am sorry Libby. It’s painful just to read what you write sometimes. You are an inspiration though. I hope you remember that.

  5. I have those guilty moments. So often. But knowing you dont get to “make up” for them with Jennifer must feel debilitating. But seeing all you have done, all you are doing…I can hear Jennifer saying those words. <3

  6. We all have mommy guilt for one reason or another. I was a single mom and lived in guilt all the years my kids grew. But if there wasn’t any correcting, yelling, sharing the punishment , then who knows how our kids would be, maybe they would think we don’t love them enough not to tell or correct or the would turn out a spoiled brat. You did what ALL mom do and you did it right. Look at those 3 in the pic above, normal , happy, beautiful kids!!!!!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *