Guilt. It is a nasty poisonous thing in this life of child loss.
It pushes down the good memories .. it drowns out the happy sounds.. it chokes me making it a struggle to catch my breath.
I made mistakes. Normal everyday mom mistakes with her. I yelled when I shouldn’t have. I overreacted.. I took out other stresses on her. Especially her.. the eldest of my 4 she bore the brunt of my frustrations..
My Jennifer. She she was the one I made mistakes on and learned from..
.. I guess she always will be. ..
Because I am better with it now. And every time I do it, that I just take a extra moment before reacting I thank her.
I know all moms do it. I reacted with anger when I should have had understanding. I demanded she do more and be better because she was the oldest..
I yelled at her to be quiet when a baby was crying.. I made her clean up messes that weren’t hers… I wasn’t gentle enough putting her in time out or brushing her hair because I was running late. ..
Normal things .. I know that.
But what’s also normal is getting the chance to spend the rest of my life parenting her.. In the span of my lifetime these mistakes would grow smaller and quieter.. for both of us.
But I don’t get that.
6 years 107 days.
And that’s all the memories, all the moments I had with her. And the mistakes are loud.. they are vibrant.
It is a nasty poisonous thing in this life of child loss. ..
im so sorry jennifer
forever i will be sorry
i wish i could hear you say
it ok mama.
..until there is a cure..