Category: will it matter in a month

mom struggles

I am trying. Trying to be a better mom. Trying to concentrate on them.. Trying to remember the mom I used to be and bring that back to life.. at least a little bit. Jennifer got some of the best of me .. and I am scared she took it with her.. It started on Halloween.. Jonathan was sick so he stayed home with Tony and I took the others trick or treating (almost all of us got sick after that so big sorry to anybody we shared germs with!) It was the first holiday or should be hard day that wasn’t hard. Because it wasn’t just one missing .. it was two. And my mind. My heart were easily convinced that they were both at home.. Waiting and playing with their Daddy.   And the carefree I felt. The absence of that heavy grief.. it was nice. It was empowering.. And[…]

flawed but whole

I have these positive posts planned. These things I want to write about laid out in my head and I get excited for it. Excited to explore different avenues of myself and my thoughts and my heart in the way that blogging allows me to. But.. my body seems to know. I write a lot now on Thursdays. My Mom watches 3 of the bigger kids .. will it be like that for the rest of my life.. will I forever stumble over how to refer to my kids. 3 bigger,  the kids,  the girls,  .. its a constant and subtle stab.. one is missing one is missing.. So my parents have them on Thursdays. Its my work day. I try to fill the day with all things Unravel.. and at night we go to counseling. Somewhere along the line I started writing while Bridgette slept. And now its part of[…]

SacTownMNO

I was apart from my kids pretty much the whole weekend. But they are my why and this is my how. I said it in our Unravel video, but I truly don’t do this just for Jennifer. I love to talk about her and share her name, but I don’t need a non-profit to do that. I am a pretty loud mouthed lady! I do however need the non-profit to do my very best to protect my living children. .. See its too late for my Jennifer. But I know .. and I am scared every single day it could happen to us again. Or to one of their best friends.. or one of their children. I know the threat and I have to do something about it. MNO truly is a great way to do that. And this MNO was a blast. Let me tell you SacTown is no[…]

poison

Guilt. It is a nasty poisonous thing in this life of child loss. It pushes down the good memories .. it drowns out the happy sounds.. it chokes me making it a struggle to catch my breath. guilt. I made mistakes. Normal everyday mom mistakes with her. I yelled when I shouldn’t have. I overreacted.. I took out other stresses on her. Especially her.. the eldest of my 4 she bore the brunt of my frustrations.. My Jennifer.  She she was the one I made mistakes on and learned from.. .. I guess she always will be. .. Because I am better with it now. And every time I do it, that I just take a extra moment before reacting I thank her. I know all moms do it. I reacted with anger when I should have had understanding. I demanded she do more and be better because she was the[…]

crossfit

Its hard. Everything is hard right now. Year two. Fuck. Its hard. To just be.. to exist in a world void of my oldest daughter. To the outside world my oldest child is 5.. but I have been a mother for 7 years.  Its hard to parent them all the way I want to.. To not live in a constant state of fear of losing them too.. I am relying on will it matter in a month a lot lately. To let me know that yes indeed this is a battle worth having.. Its hard to be a good friend/sister/daughter.. because I struggle to connect.. to be able to be in the present on focused on the conversation at hand.. my mind seems to wander off so often lately. If I am being honest .. the truth is I am pretty useless in this area.. And I don’t see a[…]