Its hard. Everything is hard right now. Year two. Fuck. Its hard. To just be.. to exist in a world void of my oldest daughter. To the outside world my oldest child is 5.. but I have been a mother for 7 years. Its hard to parent them all the way I want to.. To not live in a constant state of fear of losing them too..
I am relying on will it matter in a month a lot lately. To let me know that yes indeed this is a battle worth having..
Its hard to be a good friend/sister/daughter.. because I struggle to connect.. to be able to be in the present on focused on the conversation at hand.. my mind seems to wander off so often lately. If I am being honest .. the truth is I am pretty useless in this area.. And I don’t see a end to it.. I am lucky that people that can walk away make the choice not to. I know that. Daily I know that. But I do a horrible job of it still.
On our marriage too. We struggle. I realized yesterday a shocking piece of why for us. We are coming off of the best year of our marriage. That sounds so strange .. even to me. That the start of the worst journey of our lives was the best time in our marriage. But we were so united and so connected. Together physically and emotionally. In tune.
Us together.. the only parents Jennifer had.. the only two parents that lost her.
Now there are times I am grieving and Tony comes home.. or calls and has no idea the space I am in because he is driving home from work .. And vice versa. I might walk in from the gym to a man that is recovering from a overwhelming moment of grief and I wouldn’t know.. But before .. in the beginning we just seemed to instinctively know… And we were always braced for the other persons potential onslaught.. but now.. Now we are having to “get on with our lives”..
Side note I suggest working out to all bereaved parents. I think no matter how you do it so much good comes from it. For me its Cross Fit I wrote recently about how much we give to our counseling.. This one thing is by far the best therapy for me. I have always gotten something from my trying times from working out..
But Cross Fit is a whole new level. constantly hitting a wall.. That at times is unsurmountable. Going to the point of failure.. that you simply cannot lift the weight. So parallel to this life we were handed. Unable to save our children.. no matter how hard we fight and struggle against it.. A weight we couldn’t stop .. a weight we couldn’t lift off our families….That pushed us to the point of ultimate parental failure.
There is a sense of freedom and release in feeling in my physical body what I feel daily in my heart… in my soul.
But also constantly pushing and overcoming boundaries and walls.. both physical and mental. There is such a sense of power in that. In finding ways to overcome internal doubts and old physical walls.
I think it helps me just to struggle outwardly .. to struggle physically and allow others in my gym to bear witness to those moments.. since the internal pain is so constant and sore right now and private. I share here so openly.. but almost never in person.. For me I just cannot be that vulnerable.
Except for with Tony. My husband and my best friend. The only person that can grasp at my love for her.. and the intensity of my pain without her. Year 2 is proving to be very hard for us in every single aspect.. but I know we will prove to be even stronger. .. I just wish it wouldn’t take so long.
i’m in this jennifer
dedicated to the very end
to honor your memory
keep on fighting..