Will it matter in a month?

Will it matter in a month?

That’s it for me. That is the parenting question to end all questions.

Last night Nicholas was being really disobedient. . He was warned. He lost 2 lesser valued objects. All that was left was his “friend” (his lovie .. his version of pinkie) and his pacifier. (that he gets for sleep and its WONDERFUL!) . I told him.. we told him..

he lost it for the night.. he could earn it back in the morning by starting to obey right then.

He did.

It was hard. I still regret the few times Jennifer lost pinkie.. I still feel so guilty she ever went to bed hurting and missing her best bear..

I can’t parent them from that place though.. I want to . I think about it. Taking it away made my stomach literally lurch. ..

Would it matter in a month?

..yes. Him disobeying me would matter in a month. So we took it.

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**at a cousins sporting event with Jonathan**

Today he wanted to go out without a shirt -I didn’t love the idea. We had preschool drop off/pick up.. a coffee mommy/son/baby sister date and an errand to run..

Would it matter in a month?

…no. Him not wearing a shirt wouldn’t matter in a month. So off we went.

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Even though I have to fight myself on it now.. I cannot parent my 3 living like they will die tomorrow. .. That actually kind of sucks. I still have to be firm.. be the “bad guy”. Be the cause of their tears. Something that is now so much harder and scarier than it ever was before.

So I find myself asking if it will matter in a month.. its a way I can shake my brain out and let the feelings fall to the bottom and the right answer rise to the top. ..

…jinxed it

Today was not a good day for me. I just feel like my to-do list is forever growing. And I am always dropping the ball on something.. I never understood the whole needing more hours in a day thing.. till now..literally a friend dropped milk off for me today..that list..

Will it matter in a month?

no…and yes … and no… and yes..

hmmm ok well then what will matter most?

Them. Ok done. I sat with my boys and watched a movie. It was terrible. So I opened up the computer and checked out IMG_1033facebook ..

It was her schools walk – a – thon today. I tried to scroll past pictures quickly.. but they popped up from person after person.

She should have been there. It should have been my first mom experience at a walk – a – thon. We should be so excited for summer to be coming.. for her to graduate kindergarten.

..instead we finalized the layout for her headstone …

One of these realities is a dream.. the one where she lived or the one where she died. It feels like my mind cannot comprehend .. like my soul cannot absorb .. that both can be true.

..my daughter lived and my daughter died..

One has to be untrue. ..

has

to

be.

I closed my computer. I tried to settle in.. focus on the legs crossed on top of mine.. the ones next to me..

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Not the ones that should have been walking. ..the ones that in that moment, I knew were really here..

but now aren’t.

So I promised myself I would come back tonight. Remember her. And cry. Then be a walk-a -thon mom for the first time.. the only way I am still able …

I didn’t get to go around with her asking for people to sponser her laps at school. . but this money I can give. Money to support the researchers trying to learn from her tumors.

no running legs, no quickened heartbeat, no sweaty brow to kiss. ..

I think she would have done really well.

will it matter in a month?

yes. damnit. yes. and if it keeps going the way it has been.. it will matter harder and harder..

oh jennifer. I wish you were here.

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39 Responses to “Will it matter in a month?”

  1. You continue to inspire. I am also raising funds because of you. It does matter, and will matter. Thanks for the parenting suggestion- will it matter in a month? When my four year old asked to wear two different shoes to school yesterday (she just couldn’t decide which ones) told her absolutely not. We fought. She cried. Now I wish I had just said ok. Next time, I will. Thank you for that. You, all 6, continue to be in my prayers, and I can’t waitto run the 5k on Sunday in honor of Jennifer and all the other DIPG warriors and angels!

  2. Thank you for the reminder about what really matters. We all lose sight of what is important. I’m looking forward to hearing about 5K. I know it will be a success. Sending hugs & thoughts of comfort to all 6 of you.

    XO

  3. I think we can all ask ourselves “Will it matter in a month?” That goes in the mommy toolbelt. Thank you. Blessings to you Libby. You are making your way.

  4. Sometimes we just have to stop an think if things matter or not. Some are so small and some are so big. As long as we keep our eye on the big stuff the little stuff wont matter. Hang in there Libby one day at a time. Your doing a great job no matter how you feel. Life is never easy but dealing with a child you have lost and raising another 3 takes alot of strength and love. You have both!!

  5. Still reading and trying to absorb any tiny thing I can from you. I don’t have any pearls of wisdom, but I send my love and thoughts <3

  6. Libby we all wish she was here. But she is in our hearts and our dreams and most of all our memories that you provide for us. 4 ever Jennifer…big hugs and Angel kisses..

  7. Will it matter in a month? So thought provoking…thank you for that.I’m helping with raising grandchildren and nannying. Thank you for making that an important part of decision making. Jennifer is so proud of you! Thoughts and prayers continue to be sent your way.

  8. Sending love and healing. You are a great mom and you put so much thought into your actions and the reaction of your children. You are a survivor and hero in your children’s eyes.

  9. I have found myself saying no a lot recently but I was inspired by you the other day. Olive wanted to run around and jump and goof off on the couch. At first I said no. Then I said, let’s do something fun. I took the cushion off the couch, I brought a mattress downstairs, I collected pillows and a duvet and set up the whole living room floor as one big soft space she could goof around on. I put aside my stress that the house had gotten a little messy and made it messier. And then we played together. I thought of you, said “I am turning no into yes” and did that for my daughter. And for you. And for Jennifer. And now you have shared another tool to help in those moments when life gets in the way of living. Thank you.

  10. I am a bereaved mom who indulges her living son too much at times out of guilt and the fear of losing him too. I love the “will it matter in a month” rule. I’m going to try it.

    You are an amazing mom Libby. Never doubt it for a second.

  11. I want to check out the mamathon link and support you. I like the idea of “will it matter in a month?” –a great guiding principle. The to-do lists of life are endless and daunting even when all is well: God bless the Gilroy moms who support you and drop off milk. They will always have you covered–the parts that can be covered. I wish I could do the 5K tomorrow but can’t pull it off. I sponsored all the Las Madres women I could find. It will be an amazing day, I know it. xxxooo and a million hugs.

  12. Libby, I have never met you. A friend of mine told me about your web page and I look at it everyday to see if you have posted for that day. You are so very strong even when you feel helpless and overwhelmed. That comes through in your blogs. Your love for your Jennifer as well as the love you have for your other children and your husband is a wonderful thing to read. I can’t even begin to imagine the grief you are going through. Your life forever changed. Please know that there are people who read your blog that you have never met, probably never will but care about you and your family all the same. My heart and prayers go out to you Libby. You and your family!!I do believe in heaven and I believe Jennifer is there now, pain free and sitting with all of her angels and with the Lord himself.

  13. There is nothing better I can write than the person above me, Susan J wrote bc she is 100% correct.

    Still here reading, sending love from MA.

  14. oh Libby, I wish you didn’t go through this agony. I feel your pain, in every word you write, this one really hit home, don’t know why exactly but the loss and the not having JLK here is felt. My God, no hugs, no kisses, no consoling can lessen this pain and hurt you feel…..WHY???…..SO terribly SORRY!

    I miss this precious child I really didn’t know, but so glad Sahana got to meet her and hang out with her that evening at Nemo night at Renee’s backyard, when this dreadful disease didn’t show it’s ugly face….No words more, just tears and sorrow

    -Prabha

  15. Your parenting is pure genius. It is one of the reasons Jennifer was the amazing little girl to her siblings , adored by her family and friends. Your love and parenting skills as well as Tony’s created this funny, charismatic, sweet and thoughtful child. No doubt about that . You are doing great Libby, I only wish you could see it. We are all in awe of you, parenting is hard and your circumstances make it harder. I wish for great success tomorrow, please give us the details of how it went.thank you for the marvelous pictures, they are just awesome.it reminds me to pick
    Up that camera more often.

  16. How can you possibly have this many adorable pictures of her? Each one captures her unique, lovable personality in such a remarkable way that I just sit and smile back at her. What a dear, dear girl. What an unbearable loss for your family. Yet you ARE bearing it, and all I can do is to keep reading and hoping that somehow my prayers will help. You are an inspiration to us all, just by getting up each morning. It will get better……it has to.

  17. Libby I love the way that you honor Jennifer. The pictures of Jennifer show just what beautiful parents she had. You did every thing right for her it shows in her pictures, what a happy child. There is a saying ” the house work will wait while you watch the rainbow, but the rainbow won’t wait while you finish the house work”. You show your children the beauty of being loved.

  18. My husband and I ran today in the event. We can not wait to help you reach your goal. We already started talking to our kids (4 and 5) and figuring out our garage sale. We hope to get our neighborhood involved. I don’t know you but it was great to see your face today. It was a very special day.

      1. As I was running I had my Pandora station playing. I was getting tired and ready to walk, and all of a sudden Brave came on. It rarely plays on my station anymore. It gave me the pick me up I needed to finish strong! She was there, cheering us all on!

  19. Still reading and cheering you on from the blog sidelines. I have been trying to turn my no’s into yes’s to honor your story and to just be a nicer parent. Please be gentle with yourself as you navigate this path, so many people sending you love along the way.

  20. I wish she was still with all of you. I’m sorry you have to go through all of this and I hope you know how much you have impacted the world. Sending prayers and hugs.

  21. I don’t know what to say. Please just know fellow mom is yearning with you. I led UJAM dance at the MH RELAY FOR LIFE last Saturday and all I could think of was you and Jennifer. <3

  22. Libby:This is one of my favorite posts. I have come back to read it many times. It really does put things into perspective. Sending lots of love and prayers to your family.

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