The average and the normal are so difficult right now, I wonder if it will always be that way. And honestly either way has its downside.
Jonathan can ride a bike. He learned so fast .. Tony got him doing it in a day. Jennifer never learned. Her little brother can do something she never could. .. Thats just going to keep happening. It was surreal, time almost felt like it was moving in slow motion. I was so excited about him learning how to do it.. and so happy to see him so proud. And I missed her utterly… terribly… I can’t believe he is already passing up his sister.
And I felt guilty. She had a bike but was a tiny bit too small for it still. We got it for free. Instead of spending money and buying a new one I banked on unpromised time. Time that would never come.. when she would be just a tiny bit taller. ..
Today I had the “big ultrasound” we never find out gender but it feels good to know our dandelion is growing healthy. I showed the boys the pictures .. and they looked at them. But it wasn’t the same. Not to be able to show them to her.. and talk about it. Have a girl to share in my excitement. .. though I know. I feel her excitement.. I want to hear it.. see it. .. touch it..
thank you for this baby Jennifer.
And tonight was a birthday party. At chuck e cheese, I have been there a few times since she died. But there were moments I wanted to run out. To run away and just scream.
For her. To her.
I would look around suddenly and be struck by the sharpness of her absence. And other times I just wondered how different it all would have been if she was there. Tony was working .. the boys ran off playing and I was with Charlotte. Where would she have been? I think she would have been with her friends. .. going on the ride she always went on with her brother.. to sit back and pretend they are on a roller coaster..
And I think she would have taken Charlotte all around. Made she was safe and having fun. And both things would have happened.
I am sitting here just really wondering what I want to have happen. Do I want to enjoy a party.. not be struck so violently be the 6 year old girl emptiness? Or will it be even harder if it doesn’t hit me .. if I somehow enjoy the whole thing.. a whole party without her?
today i do.
today i noticed.
tonight i grieve you
…until there is a cure. ..