easter… again…

Easter came again. I tried to pretend it wasn’t going to…But it did. Already our 2nd without her.. and I only got 5 with Jennifer.

time is passing.

it is so unfair.

Last year my goal was simply to put one foot in front of the other. To not force myself to try to make traditions that I had to be sure to always adhere to. That was the right choice.. but now I want to start making traditions.. Ones that find ways to incorporate her.. and ones that are simply something new.

her last Easter. I had no idea.
her last Easter. I had no idea.

Easter morning we woke up and made Resurrection rolls. We talked a lot about what the meaning behind Easter is. And that Jesus is the only one who comes back from the dead.. he is the only one that has ever and will ever be brought back to life.

This picture captures all 3 of them ..
This picture captures all 3 of them ..Charlotte’s love of everything.. especially food! Nicholas solidness and pride. Jonathan’s sweet nature.

I never realized before how confusing Disney movies can be.. characters often come back to life or were never really dead in the first place.. and also bible stories. How God heals.. and makes the impossible possible. .. The death of my 6 year old has changed the trajectory of so many of our conversations.

She had such a sweet tooth.
She had such a sweet tooth.

It sparked something in each of my boys.. but not until a few hours later. Jonathan wanted facts. Factual information about how she died. To know what exactly it was like.

Nicholas wanted to watch the Easter movie we had made about Jennifer. And then another movie of her… and another… He could have watched all day but I stopped at a little over a hour. This all ending minutes before it was time to go to be with extended family to celebrate Easter.

.. this is our new life. Draining and deep conversations with 3 and 5 year olds. Seeing them peeking over the side of the couch while their Daddy and Mommy comfort each other. Its a memory for me that I already know is permanently engrained in my memory. The way their little hands gripped the backside of our couch and they just silently watched us cry together.. The way they answered when I asked if they knew why we cried.. because we are sad Jennifer is missing.. and why we are also happy… Because having them with us makes us happy.

Simple truths.

 I just had to share this picture of Charlotte... in her dress, boots and cape. So happy to have found a egg.
I just had to share this picture of Charlotte… in her dress, boots and cape. So happy to have found a egg. My girls and their unique Easter fashions.

It helped all of us to have a release beforehand. That seemed right for all of us. To have some private time together remembering Jennifer in our own way. To share stories.. and memories… and find similarities between her and them.  A way of capturing her in all of our hearts and bonding our family together .. a unification.

One of my favorite Easter pictures..
One of my favorite Easter pictures..

Others are with us.. and they are reminded of the hole in our family, because its not staring them in the face all the time.

For me its the exact opposite and it made Easter not that hard..  perhaps it was our earlier time together .. But I also think its because I muddle through everyday without her.

I think my kids are trapped somewhere in between. I think the holidays and milestones bring it out more for them.. because she was our first she was there for all of theirs.. They naturally looked to her for guidance.. and now they look and notice the absence.

But for me its constant, its daily.  Its waking them up.. its brushing teeth. Its getting in the car and packing lunches. Its deciding what shows to record and how many plates to put on the table. Its a thousand moments every single day. That drill into me…

one.is.missing.

And none of those things has gotten easier with time. It’s a slow and grinding pain..

So Easter was a bit of a pass.. Because we are distracted doing something out of the norm. .. We were busy trying to have conversations and take pictures. I thought of her .. often.. but didn’t have time to feel it until later. To imagine what she would have done. ..I think she would have still hunted for eggs.. But then helped the little ones find them too. She would have taken some out of her basket to hide for her little sister and she would have refused to listen to my hot and cold clues but listened to her Uncles clues immediately.

you would have dressed up

and jumped in the pool

you would have smiled and rolled your eyes.

you would have been

here.

eagain4

…until there is a cure..

 

12 Responses to “easter… again…”

  1. Oh my Charlotte!!! Too cute for words…….all 4 of them.

    Missing Jennifer even though I never met her. #love4JLK #rememberingJLK

  2. Thank you for continuing to share your Beautiful family with us. For sharing the good and bad. I think of all of you so much throughout the day. God Bless you!

  3. that picture of charlotte and the egg….(sounds like it should be a book!) priceless! Your children are beautiful! It is interesting how the big kids want the info in bits…. love reading about Jennifer and remembering your memories with you.

  4. All my love to you all, always. Thinking of Jennifer everyday. She will he in my heart forever♡♡♡♡♡♡

  5. Dear Tony and Libby, I really feel for you this weekend and also maybe feel some of your pain as my sister and I go through some of the same feelings at the opposite end of the spectrum. Our dad comes out every morning looking for our mom and some days are so hard and exhausting. Where is she? What happened? Some days he doesn’t believe us and we have to relive those sad days after her fall and then brain surgery…it is draining and unbearably sad …he asks us what have I been doing? Can we go and find her? Why aren’t we doing something? So I am trying to imagine what these questions are like coming from your darling children and how helpless we can all feel trying to comfort our dads and babies…I thank God everyday for my family and for your large support group but I know it’s sometimes hour to hour and day to day…blessings and love and hugs to our Jennifer and to you…I told Theo that every time I see a white butterfly I say Hi Jennifer! When I was in Phoenix at the Butterfly Arboretum I was surrounded by white butterflies and it was so comforting and fun! Jennifer and Theo would have loved it ! Love love love from ️Mammie

  6. That photo of Charlotte and the egg is so precious. She is so expressive, and such a darling, beautiful little girl!

  7. sending love to the Krantz family from Maine. Charlotte’s picture is one of the best I have ever seen! Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer…

  8. Thank you for continuing to share your journey. Jennifer and Unravel are changing lives daily. I think of JLK everyday and continue to spread the glitter and turn my no into a yes. Keep it up, Libby & Family.

    XO

  9. Thoughts and prayers sent your way each and everyday. Unravel is making a difference. Jennifer is a true angel in every way. LOVE4JLK always

  10. Thank you for sharing your beautiful family. I am so very sorry for your pain. But as you always ask I am trying to be active too. Active in praying with all my might for your family and active in spreading Jennifer’s glitter. I will continue to do borh as long as I am living. That is my promise

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