Easter came again. I tried to pretend it wasn’t going to…But it did. Already our 2nd without her.. and I only got 5 with Jennifer.
time is passing.
it is so unfair.
Last year my goal was simply to put one foot in front of the other. To not force myself to try to make traditions that I had to be sure to always adhere to. That was the right choice.. but now I want to start making traditions.. Ones that find ways to incorporate her.. and ones that are simply something new.
Easter morning we woke up and made Resurrection rolls. We talked a lot about what the meaning behind Easter is. And that Jesus is the only one who comes back from the dead.. he is the only one that has ever and will ever be brought back to life.
I never realized before how confusing Disney movies can be.. characters often come back to life or were never really dead in the first place.. and also bible stories. How God heals.. and makes the impossible possible. .. The death of my 6 year old has changed the trajectory of so many of our conversations.
It sparked something in each of my boys.. but not until a few hours later. Jonathan wanted facts. Factual information about how she died. To know what exactly it was like.
Nicholas wanted to watch the Easter movie we had made about Jennifer. And then another movie of her… and another… He could have watched all day but I stopped at a little over a hour. This all ending minutes before it was time to go to be with extended family to celebrate Easter.
.. this is our new life. Draining and deep conversations with 3 and 5 year olds. Seeing them peeking over the side of the couch while their Daddy and Mommy comfort each other. Its a memory for me that I already know is permanently engrained in my memory. The way their little hands gripped the backside of our couch and they just silently watched us cry together.. The way they answered when I asked if they knew why we cried.. because we are sad Jennifer is missing.. and why we are also happy… Because having them with us makes us happy.
It helped all of us to have a release beforehand. That seemed right for all of us. To have some private time together remembering Jennifer in our own way. To share stories.. and memories… and find similarities between her and them. A way of capturing her in all of our hearts and bonding our family together .. a unification.
Others are with us.. and they are reminded of the hole in our family, because its not staring them in the face all the time.
For me its the exact opposite and it made Easter not that hard.. perhaps it was our earlier time together .. But I also think its because I muddle through everyday without her.
I think my kids are trapped somewhere in between. I think the holidays and milestones bring it out more for them.. because she was our first she was there for all of theirs.. They naturally looked to her for guidance.. and now they look and notice the absence.
But for me its constant, its daily. Its waking them up.. its brushing teeth. Its getting in the car and packing lunches. Its deciding what shows to record and how many plates to put on the table. Its a thousand moments every single day. That drill into me…
And none of those things has gotten easier with time. It’s a slow and grinding pain..
So Easter was a bit of a pass.. Because we are distracted doing something out of the norm. .. We were busy trying to have conversations and take pictures. I thought of her .. often.. but didn’t have time to feel it until later. To imagine what she would have done. ..I think she would have still hunted for eggs.. But then helped the little ones find them too. She would have taken some out of her basket to hide for her little sister and she would have refused to listen to my hot and cold clues but listened to her Uncles clues immediately.
you would have dressed up
and jumped in the pool
you would have smiled and rolled your eyes.
you would have been
…until there is a cure..