I need this.. this moment to myself and with myself. . about me right now.. I want to purge. But I feel so much like a bottle thats been shook and shook.. so full its impossible to take the lid off safely.
jennifer. jennifer. jennifer
The candle above was how she was represented with our extended family this Easter.. My daughter.. A candle. How did this possibly happen?
I can’t do this. I really don’t think I am equipped to handle this. Their needs… their baggage so heavy. .. so confusing along with my own. My needs.. my grief.. my own grostesegely scarred heart struggling day to day. How can I care for theirs?
I’m not strong enough. I just want to lay down and sleep. Not have to worry about anybody else’s needs but just time to lick my own wounds. Because their hurts just deepen my own.
I don’t know how to do this all and I am so scared. Everyday I wake up scared.. unsure of what I am going to face that day.. with low confidence that I will be able to handle it.
I hate this life.
How hard it is to parent effectively in this new world. To now know what is the motivating thing behind bad behavior. Is it normal 3 yr old or 5 yr old behavior .. or is it because they are missing their sister.. It matters. The why matters so much more than the what to me. Because if its normal the consequences need to be doled out.. But if its missing their sister.. their old lives without an ability to explain it then I need to have a gentler hand.. and when its calmer.. quieter get to the heart of the matter..
..their broken heart..
But how do I know?? How am I supposed to know??
No rulebook for raising kids.. and certainly none for raising kids in a family of grief.
Nicholas has been struggling so much lately. Boldly defiant .. physical when he is any bit angry. A fairly constant and immediate bad reaction that was becoming predictable. He is needing his own space and place in our family. So we have worked with him. Trying to find ways to show him how important he is.. and that really emphasize his good behaviors. To not let him got lost in the shadow of a dead big sister and a needy big brother. The past few days he has been better, cleaner.
Jonathan was the opposite. . Loud raging outbursts, but sporadic and therefore impossible to gauge. His pendulum is swinging far.. incredibly loving and kind.. to mean and lashing out. Like the releases give him space to be the boy he yearns to be.. but today has been off the charts.. with an inability to reel it back in.. the slightest upset sending him over the edge.
My heart aches for them. And fears for them.. and our futures. Charlotte will be adding her emotional needs soon .. and then this new baby. They won’t know Jennifer.. but they will know her absence. The indelible mark that has left on us all.. on every aspect of our lives. They too will grieve.. But differently and for different things. And we will have to carry them through.
But I feel so weak. I am so broken. What if I can’t give them who they need and what they deserve?
help me jennifer