easter

Today was Charlottes first Easter.. also our first without Jennifer. Somehow I didn’t make that connection until I was nursing her before bed tonight. .

She should have been here to help her baby sister explore her first basket.. . The boys did a great job. They adore their baby sister and it really makes me proud of them.

I miss her face in the picture.. in the moment .. in the memory.

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I went for a run this morning. I cried and thought of her. Right after I had a sign of her.. strong enough it brought me to my knees in the front yard…In the moment.. I believe it.. I think its real.. but then I worry I am just looking for it.. .

Came in and we all went for a family walk. Jonathan struggled. A lot..through out the morning. My heart hurts for him… I live his pain.. but I am lucky enough to be able to understand it.. he can’t. Its simply too much for his still 4yr old mind. That has got to be so hard for him.

I cried a few times on the walk. Nicholas worked as hard as he could to cheer me up.. trying so hard to be a goof ball to crack us up.

All morning I was trying to figure out what jewelry to wear.. I knew there was something that would feel right. I wore a few different things.. nothing seemed quite right. Right before we left I went into her room. I found it.  A necklace her cousin gave to all the other girl cousins.. I think its what Jennifer would have chosen to wear today.. So I wore it for her. This niece of mine is away at college so it symbolized her too .. .

We went to my parents and did a Easter egg hunt. Again out in the front yard I had a sign of her. The hunt went well.. as it started I began to lose it. .. literally just for a moment.. but then I swallowed it.. Trying my best to be the mom my 3 youngest deserve. I think I did ok. DSC_0615

Lots of the kids went in the pool. Jonathan is like me.. not much of a water lover. .. so he stayed out.. Some how I could tell something was off and asked him.. We had talked before coming about options if we needed a break.. if it got to be too much for me.. or him or Daddy. He said he wanted to go for a walk.. just us. So we snuck out the side gate and had a great walk. I shared with him the sign of her I saw in my parents front yard..its our little secret. He likes a good secret just like Jennifer did.

We talked about sissy and how butterflies and dragonflies start one way and change.. just like Jennifer did..The boys DSC_0583LOVED the butterfly kit.. I think it will be a good learning tool about life… death … and afterlife for them.

We also talked about all sorts of non-sissy things. ..

holding hands the entire way .

Mother and son. Me and my new eldest. A child that I share an incredible connection with.. .

Later on I went upstairs to tell the kids we were going to watch a video. (more on that later) .. I opened the door into the kids bedroom (the ones they sleep in on overnights) I found him.. alone on the top bunk crying.. He couldn’t really explain why. He did say he got his feelings hurt.. and we talked about how to find a solution.

I am grateful I stumbled upon him.

At the end of the evening a few shirtless boys asked for a dance party. We laughed and cheered them on.. Then I got to pick a song.. I chose poker face… . which was a song she really liked. … I jumped up and got in on the dance party. Charlotte was the only girl. So many boys. I thought about how much Jennifer would have liked this.. how she would have danced and thrown her head back laughing. .. .

I was wearing a necklace with her picture on it.. trying to keep her with us. It was the perfect ending.. to a imperfect day.

The video I talked about was made earlier this morning by me and Jonathan. I had made a photo book of easter pictures of Jennifer.. but didn’t order it in time. We look at the pictures and decided to make a slideshow. We wanted music .. so I gave him a bunch of choices.. he was very firm that this was the song..

I think he was right

JLKs easter

Love you and miss you Jennifer Lynn.

One easter down.. +/-   50 to go. ..

38 Responses to “easter”

  1. Was thinking of you today and wondering how it was going. That is a beautiful video, and a song I hadn’t heard before but that I loved. Thank you for sharing it.

  2. Burning hot tears. You are an amazing mom, a living tribute to her beautiful life. Thank you for sharing…

  3. You continue to amaze me. You honor her in so much that you do. You continue to be there for your youngest three in amazing ways. I have no doubt that you will do great things in her name. I am glad you had two signs of her. She must know Mommy needed her. Continuing to pray.

  4. Thought of you and your family often yesterday – so glad there were smiles among the tears. Sending love and light, always.

  5. I don’t know you and your family but have been following since before JLK died and cry with you daily. Thank you for sharing the video, it’s perfect. And a perfect song choice – I love that y’all are Sara Barellis fans.

  6. I thought about you all alot yesterday. I thought about Jennifer all day. Thankyou dor sharing that beautiful video of Jennifer. We love you all. ♡ All 6 of you. ♡

  7. You are always in my thoughts and especially yesterday. Sending you love, strength and prayers always. (((HUGS))) You are an amazing person, Libby!

  8. What a wonderful touching video. What a touching song. Your strength amazes me. Your daughter was a beautiful child and the way you honor her in your blog touches me, and I am sure everyone else deeply. I have been following you since your first post and each one brings tears to my eyes. I lost my nephew 1 year ago at the age of 16 (after only 8 months being diagnosed with Leukemia)He had his entire life ahead of him and was an exceptional athlete at Pioneer H.S. I can’t imagine what my sister goes through every day, as well as every other parent who has lost a child. I will continue to read your posts and pray for your beautiful family.

  9. Thank you for sharing that beautiful video. Wow by looking at all the pictures you post and videos you can see how much love jennifer had to share and all the love that was shared between your whole family no wonder she’s is such a special little Angel and loved by all. I believe you when you said you had a strong sign of Jennifer, that’s her way of connecting with you and you will probably have alot of connections because of your strong bond you have with her just enjoy it and embrace it. Big hugs and Angel kisses

  10. I am so happy you are seeing Jennifer 🙂 The Easter slide show was wonderful- full of happy smiles! So much love! Sending hugs and support always!!

  11. You were in my prayers as we celebrated Easter. I am so glad she came to you so strongly. And so sad you didn’t have her there physically. It sounds like you are finding wonderful ways to keep her a part of everything you do, following each other’s leads. I couldn’t help but smile reading this post. It just touched my heart. One Easter down.

  12. What a beautiful soul. The love you all share just blasts through all these pictures. She was truly blessed to have you as a family, as she blessed you.

  13. I saw something in the news today and it made me think of you, your family and their brave fight. I know the glitter you spread will effect the type of change they were talking about.

    It was an article about parents raising $ for a specific research study. In part….Dr. Maria Escolar, director of the program for neurodevelopment of rare disorders at the Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh , said “I’ve been working in this field for 15 years, the biggest changes are because of parents, not the pharmaceutical industry, or the researchers. Parents push it.”

  14. I went for a bike ride yesterday on the levee with my daughter & butterflies followed us the entire way. I couldn’t help but think of you & Jennifer! I love the idea of the butterfly kit, I will have to get one if those.

  15. I may not be the first person to suggest this, and I just may be the first person to suggest this that you decide to tell, “Go F%*! yourself.”

    I lived in the South Bay for almost 20 years of my life, during which my only (19 mos.) younger brother died from an accidental fall. After years of being adversaries, we had finally become best friends, and then the phone rang. He was gone.

    I don’t know if it is the genuinely heart-aching tone of your posts, or the fact that we share 10/28 as the birthday of our first child (ours, also a daughter, was an IVF miracle from God through science as well).

    I read your posts every day and I cry a lot of the times. There are times I want to jump in and say, “Do THIS now, and you will feel better…watch out for people who suddenly stop wanting to hear about Jennifer–they are not shallow but they realize they can’t help and they fear death so they will back away slowly.”

    The similarities we share mean nothing about your loss. That was your relationship with JLK, different from every other person in the family. I was fortunate enough to have an older cousin I grew up with who took the place of my brother, and although older we now have a friendship that rivals what was lost.

    If you are open to it, there is a place called, “The Center for Living with Dying” in the South Bay. It will not make things OK, but it did make the circumstances easier for me, and allowed me a free space to talk about with other people who were also “not ready to move on.” It might be totally wrong for Jennifer’s loss, and you could end up in a group of people talking about losing their grandpa to a heart attack. It helped me to deal with losing my brother from an accidental fall he would have survived without hitting the back of his head on a picket fence.

    I also have a son, who through the miracle of IVF was born naturally. He is my brother’s namesake, and also the brightest star in any room. That scares me, though, because my history with shooting stars is that while they may shine brilliantly for a short time, they are soon gone.

    But the memories are ours to keep.

  16. The Easter video was absolutely precious. Today I heard “I Choose You” and it made me think of your Jennifer and smile. She has touched so many lives in her 6 years and continues to as she guides you, Libby. Thank you for sharing these special memories and your daily path with all of us who truly care about your family. Sending hugs and support.

  17. What a beautiful video. I had never heard the song. It was perfect. Smart little man you have there! There are random times, daily that I will think about your daughter, her smile, those brown eyes. I think about how those 6 years were years filled with so much love, fun, family. She is so lucky to have the two of you as parents. The way you write, her services, the pictures of her…. all show that so clearly. She has been making a difference in this world for years, and she will continue to do great things for years ahead. There are just people in this world like that… your glitter girl! She is touching so many lives. I pray for all of your family to continue to have the strength to endure the pain.

  18. I thought about you so many times today. I prayed for you throughout the day. I also wanted to thank you for turning my No into a Yes. My 2 year old daughter wanted to wear her hello kitty mittens to our Easter celebration. I usually would say No but thought of your sweet JLK in that moment. Thank you for that!

  19. Oh man. How could you ever have known that 2013 Easter would be her last? So perfect, so beautiful. That there would be so few Easters for your super girl. It all tumbled downhill so quickly. You were robbed. I am still so pissed off that you don’t have J on earth with you, growng up. I hug my children tighter and get a little messier and try to take more photos because of you.

  20. I am so glad she visited you yesterday and I pray she continues to visit and hug you and your family…I prayed for you all so deeply in church yesterday that you are comforted and have some peace through this tragic time.

  21. Hi Libby.
    I have written before because I am so touched by everything you write. I like many others have come to love Jennifer and the rest of you through your words. I read your blog daily and tonight I was compelled to look up some information about the funding for finding a cure for pediatric cancer and was shocked to read that the S.1251 Bill has a very slim chance of passing. Maybe I am way behind on the facts.. but the question I have for you is this. What can we do? How can we help?
    Always praying for you and your family and for Jennifer.
    Sending lots of love.

    1. The most important thing in my opinion is sharing the information.. get enough people upset… then change can happen.

  22. Not a doubt in my mind that the signs you saw today was from your sweet little Jennifer. God blesses us with these.

  23. What a great song. Thank you for sharing. I don’t want to say I’m so sorry again. I feel like I say it all the time. I really am though. Her eyes just spoke to me so much today.

  24. It’s a wonderful video. One picture especially touched me. The backdrop is wood.. a fence perhaps? And the way her eyes are looking into the camera.. I felt like she was looking right at me. What a beautiful soul.

  25. Absolutely beautiful. Beautiful pictures, beautiful memories, beautiful family…all set to a beautiful song. You have been so brave to share this journey with us all. Thinking of you and your family always, Libby.

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