home

We did crossfit today.

A local place … coast range crossfit has been beyond generous in gifting us a memberships. It’s the first time since I have known him that I have seen Tony truly excited about exercising .. I think it will be crucial component of his healing process. Being active was even a “homework” assignment for him from our therapist…

First song for the workout… Brave.

It makes me happy also that he is giving our boys this example of taking care of himself in a multitude of ways. I hope we are able to raise them to be well rounded.. not just despite of our grief.. maybe even because of it.

A friend watched the 3 youngest for us. The same family that came over to play on the water slide. Its sometimes surprising to me what is a trigger and what isn’t.

My boys were so happy to be playing with their girls.. a different kind of joy I haven’t seen in awhile. The way I felt watching them play, in particular with the daughter that was Jennifer’s friend, a classmate from preschool last year… It was like when you go away on a trip and come back ..it just feels good to be home.

I think thats how they felt..

… Content. Comfortable.

..whole. Even if artificially.

.. .happiness in a way I can’t provide.

Watching them parade around after her.. just like they did with sissy. Playing the way bossy girls make younger boys play with them. Pink socks on their hands..

Me too. I would have thought seeing that.. hearing that… would have been crippling. But it wasn’t. Tony and I just kept saying to each other look how happy they are.. I think for us it was the same.. happy to see them full of sisterly

joy.

I would go again tomorrow and the day after that.. it really wasn’t hard in the moment. But now.. I hurt.

i cry.

Alone at night.. remembering the happiness not of today but of our yesterdays.

i cry.

Realization that I will never again really be complete.. another layer of what we have lost.

Tonight I somehow can’t find the words. I am just looking at the program from her services and aching.

Just so sad.

I used that word a lot before. I think I had no idea the real meaning.. the real power of the word. But here tonight… writing in my pink jammie pants that she got me for Christmas I know the magnitude of those 3 letters.

sad.

I just want to hold her. I want to feel her weight on my lap. To feel her arms around me.

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I want her to welcome Daddy home from work each night.. waiting outside hiding so he doesn’t see or noses pressed against the window.

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I want her brothers to follow her around.. I want them to have that simple pleasure again.

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I want her baby sister to hold her hands learning how to walk.. .

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My kids have lost so much. Today somehow I saw.. I felt .. how much.

I don’t just want my daughter back. .. I want my family back. All of us. None of us are the same. Tony, Libby, Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte…This disease killed more than just her. It killed the old us. The real us.

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I just want to go home.

We are all so changed. Extended family too. My brothers.. too much emotion there for me to write. ..  Her cousin without her partner to be playing girlie games with at Easter. My nephew .. unable to run up to make her laugh.. trying now to connect with Jennifer’s little sister.

It pains me.. it also isolates me. ..

IMG_0922My boys made me proud tonight. Each having a moment I can look at and see the positive of Jennifer in. Nicholas was being a good bigger guy to our friends younger son. He played with him.. engaged with him.. When Nicholas fell off a chair and got stuck and cried,  Jonathan stopped what he was doing to ask if his little brother was ok.

When it was time to leave tonight Jonathan did not want to go. He hunkered into his angry. Kicking toys. Not obeying. He lost both books at his bedtime then.. but thankfully pulled it together just enough so we could still have our snuggle time in bed…

It’s hard enough to navigate these years without adding in a murkiness impossible to penetrate with sadness this strong …

We have to discipline. We have to give allowances.  And we have to do it all on the fly.

No way to know if we are doing it right.

In his bed we prayed together.. thankful for the help we are receiving as a family from so many avenues. And for the first time that I have witnessed he talked to Jennifer out loud. He was a energy ball tonight going to bed. Just full of emotions bouncing around inside of him..

I get it.. I feel the same a lot of the time. But I get this.. I get to write at night to sort it all out. I know he doesn’t even understand how being with the girls was wonderful.. how it made him so happy… but its a double edged sword…it’s  like it reminded his cells that she is gone.. parts of him activated that haven’t been used since a few weeks before she died… probably not since our Make A Wish trip..

.. . he was just starting to settle back into her being around.. Only to have her stolen away forever.

I guess when your child dies you can never really

.. . go home again.

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**the fuzziness is perfect in this picture. This is the heavy and the fog of sadness. It’s how sad distorts my vision. **

 

 

 

39 Responses to “home”

  1. I wish… How many of my comments do I begin like that? I wish so many things for you and your family Libby, but really they just boil down to one. I wish you could go home. I wish Jennifer was with you, happy and healthy. Maybe it’s hard to believe that someone who has never met you would hurt so much and wish so sincerely for you, but I do. But because I can’t grant your wish, I do the one thing I can do. I pray. I pray that you and your family find a way to face each day together and put one foot in front of the other each day, while ever remaining connected to your beautiful Jennifer. She and God will make sure she doesn’t miss a thing from up there, she loved being your big girl and their sissy too much for that.

  2. Still here, still reading, still sending support/love. You and your family, all 6 of you, pop in my head through out the day. I hope, somehow, my thoughts and the thoughts of all who care bring comfort to the pain that is so heavy.

  3. I am here. I always will be. How I wish so much with all my heart I could change things for you. All of you are constantly on my mind and in my heart every single day. Especially Jennifer. All my love and prayers to all 6 of you. ♡

  4. I’m still here for the long journey with you Libby, thinking of all 6 of you Everyday. There’s not a day that goes by that you’re not in my prays and thinking of Jennifer she will Forever be in our hearts and forever 6. Big hugs and Angel kisses.

  5. We are all changed by this. I like to think that my changes will all be for the better. I am so glad you write though. It is always hard to read the pain your in but somehow I hope that with all of us readers we can take a little piece of your pain away somehow, hoping that by sharing your heartache it will be a little more bearable somehow. You and the family are like a tattoo. Will be permanently etched into my being…..

  6. Still here… Reading everyday and thinking / sending well wishes to your family everyday. You have impacted my life and I will read as long as you continue to right. Xo

  7. I can’t imagine facing the thought of not being able to hold Jennifer in your arms everyday. How you do it, I just don’t know. But you do. Your family continues to blow me away, how you navigate this all with strength and honesty and courage and integrity. I feel like all I can do is pray that love and support surrounds you and helps you down this path. It doesn’t really feel like much, especially in the face of the amazing things you are all doing every day but I will keep on doing it, every single day.

  8. I ache for your little Jonathan and Nicholas who miss their sister so much, it is unfair that such little hearts have to feel such big grief. You are all always in my prayers…

  9. From the outside looking in, I get this confident feeling that your new “normal” will be hard won, but the important thing is that it will come. No one can put a time frame on it, but as long as there are 5 people stuck here waiting to be with Jennifer, then eventually a new you will have to emerge. 1 month from now, 1 year from now and 10 years from now will all be a different “new you”. And Jennifer’s impact on your lives will have found a place in you that will no longer have the power to mortally wound. Her presence will be a loving treasure that you will recall for all eternity. And maybe, just maybe a day will come when you can appreciate what you had and the thought of what was never to be will still hurt, but a little less so. I can only guess at all this and in reality I’m fairly sure I could not survive such a thing, but it guess it is possible. Keep calm and Libby on!!!

  10. Also Here, Present, Empathetic, Protective and we, this group of women who choose to to be here and walk this path with you praying healing, blessings…..Love.

  11. No I don’t know you or nor I have I met you….I started following Jennifer and your family’s story after Jennifer passed but I feel as if I have met you….I cry big tears and smiles huge smiles when reading everything you have to say and looking at all the beautiful pictures of your family that you post. This may be my 3rd post as I don’t really know what to say but for some reason today words are pouring out to you. Through out my day I do find myself thinking about you, Jennifer, the boys, and Tony. I pray for you all as I pray for the child I lost 14 years ago. I didn’t get to hold him as I was not full term but I do imagine that Jennifer is looking after him and playing with him until I can be with him. So as I pray for us all I talk to my son Caleb and I talk to Jennifer as if I know her cause Iam hoping that she is the one that is playing with him until I can be with him. I will continue to pray for us all. I’m not sure what else to say except that you are an exceptional woman and mother!

  12. Wanted you to know I’m here, reading, sending love. I don’t always have the right words to say when I read, but I’m here to “listen”. XOXO

  13. I like so many thousands, yes thousands of strangers, am here, still reading. I never knew you or jennifer, but somehow I feel like I do. I find myself often sending positive thoughts, prayers your way, her way. I finally got up the nerve to watch her service. Breathtaking. Heartbreaking. You honor her everyday with your strength. Chin up Libby. Hold your head high. She’s so very proud of you.. We all are.

  14. God picked you Libby, to be Jennifer’s Mommy because you were perfect for her. Thank you for sharing the first photo of you and Jennifer, the love from her to you and you to her just illuminates. Beautiful.

  15. Thinking and praying for all of you….every day. We may never meet…but know that you pop into my mind often…always followed with a prayer for peace, strength, and courage. You are thought of and cared about by so many…ALL OVER THE WORLD!!

  16. I think your Jennifer, your stories have changed my life! I think of you all and feel such pain for your loss. I believe reading your posts has made me a more in the moment mom! I pay attention to them more. Making mental notes of small moments with them. Thank you for letting us in and opening up to strangers but we all feel like we are part of your struggle, your family! Tears fall over here in Willow Glen every time I read your posts!
    Take care sweet Momma!

  17. I will always be here for you Libby. Your family has become part of the Corona family. You are always in our thoughts and we talk about you all the time. Please know that what ever we can do for you we will. Love, hug’s and prayers to you.

  18. yeah… this just sucks. and not being able to change it sucks … I guess all we can do is try and make some change happen. thru your donation of her cells, thru donation of money and time. but it isn’t fast enough and that just sucks.

    I wish we could each scoop a little of your pain to lighten your load. Wishing you a little light thru the fog each day.

    Your kids are adorable. all of them.

  19. Whenever I hear Brave I think of not only Jennifer, but you, too. In so many ways, you are braver than anyone could imagine.

  20. I drove through Gilroy with my girls today on our way to visit a friend. I thought of all of you. It was very sunny with big puffy white clouds. I thought of Jennifer. Still her reading your journey. Big hugs.

  21. You’re so brave and strong, Libby. I’m always in awe of everything you do for your family. You and Jennifer have inspired me to try and give and live a bit more. Sending lots of hugs & prayers your way. xo

  22. I was at a dinner party tonight and I realized I hadn’t had a chance to see if you had written a blog today. Reading it was the first thing I did when I got home tonight. You and Jennifer are on my mind daily even though we have never met and it just occurred to me that she lives on through your blog. Isn’t that a wonderful thing and a sorrowful thing all at once. Thinking of you and JLK tonight. xo

  23. I woke up this morning and kissed my girls to wake them up, as I do every morning. I thought of you and how you have had this simple joy taken away from you. It was like a punch in the gut!

    As I made my coffee I was trying to think about what I could do. Not what I could do for you as I just don’t think there is anything. But, what can I do for the cause. What you really really need is for a LOT of people to do a little bit. When you are ready, you will be the coordinating force. You will be the energy behind the movement. You will be the voice of Jennifer. And I will be here to help.

    Sending so much love your way.

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