We did crossfit today.
A local place … coast range crossfit has been beyond generous in gifting us a memberships. It’s the first time since I have known him that I have seen Tony truly excited about exercising .. I think it will be crucial component of his healing process. Being active was even a “homework” assignment for him from our therapist…
First song for the workout… Brave.
It makes me happy also that he is giving our boys this example of taking care of himself in a multitude of ways. I hope we are able to raise them to be well rounded.. not just despite of our grief.. maybe even because of it.
A friend watched the 3 youngest for us. The same family that came over to play on the water slide. Its sometimes surprising to me what is a trigger and what isn’t.
My boys were so happy to be playing with their girls.. a different kind of joy I haven’t seen in awhile. The way I felt watching them play, in particular with the daughter that was Jennifer’s friend, a classmate from preschool last year… It was like when you go away on a trip and come back ..it just feels good to be home.
I think thats how they felt..
… Content. Comfortable.
..whole. Even if artificially.
.. .happiness in a way I can’t provide.
Watching them parade around after her.. just like they did with sissy. Playing the way bossy girls make younger boys play with them. Pink socks on their hands..
Me too. I would have thought seeing that.. hearing that… would have been crippling. But it wasn’t. Tony and I just kept saying to each other look how happy they are.. I think for us it was the same.. happy to see them full of sisterly
I would go again tomorrow and the day after that.. it really wasn’t hard in the moment. But now.. I hurt.
Alone at night.. remembering the happiness not of today but of our yesterdays.
Realization that I will never again really be complete.. another layer of what we have lost.
Tonight I somehow can’t find the words. I am just looking at the program from her services and aching.
Just so sad.
I used that word a lot before. I think I had no idea the real meaning.. the real power of the word. But here tonight… writing in my pink jammie pants that she got me for Christmas I know the magnitude of those 3 letters.
I just want to hold her. I want to feel her weight on my lap. To feel her arms around me.
I want her to welcome Daddy home from work each night.. waiting outside hiding so he doesn’t see or noses pressed against the window.
I want her brothers to follow her around.. I want them to have that simple pleasure again.
I want her baby sister to hold her hands learning how to walk.. .
My kids have lost so much. Today somehow I saw.. I felt .. how much.
I don’t just want my daughter back. .. I want my family back. All of us. None of us are the same. Tony, Libby, Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte…This disease killed more than just her. It killed the old us. The real us.
I just want to go home.
We are all so changed. Extended family too. My brothers.. too much emotion there for me to write. .. Her cousin without her partner to be playing girlie games with at Easter. My nephew .. unable to run up to make her laugh.. trying now to connect with Jennifer’s little sister.
It pains me.. it also isolates me. ..
My boys made me proud tonight. Each having a moment I can look at and see the positive of Jennifer in. Nicholas was being a good bigger guy to our friends younger son. He played with him.. engaged with him.. When Nicholas fell off a chair and got stuck and cried, Jonathan stopped what he was doing to ask if his little brother was ok.
When it was time to leave tonight Jonathan did not want to go. He hunkered into his angry. Kicking toys. Not obeying. He lost both books at his bedtime then.. but thankfully pulled it together just enough so we could still have our snuggle time in bed…
It’s hard enough to navigate these years without adding in a murkiness impossible to penetrate with sadness this strong …
We have to discipline. We have to give allowances. And we have to do it all on the fly.
No way to know if we are doing it right.
In his bed we prayed together.. thankful for the help we are receiving as a family from so many avenues. And for the first time that I have witnessed he talked to Jennifer out loud. He was a energy ball tonight going to bed. Just full of emotions bouncing around inside of him..
I get it.. I feel the same a lot of the time. But I get this.. I get to write at night to sort it all out. I know he doesn’t even understand how being with the girls was wonderful.. how it made him so happy… but its a double edged sword…it’s like it reminded his cells that she is gone.. parts of him activated that haven’t been used since a few weeks before she died… probably not since our Make A Wish trip..
.. . he was just starting to settle back into her being around.. Only to have her stolen away forever.
I guess when your child dies you can never really
.. . go home again.
**the fuzziness is perfect in this picture. This is the heavy and the fog of sadness. It’s how sad distorts my vision. **