script

My kids love going out to get the mail.. and now they love getting to open it. Today we got our memberships to Happy Hollow.. a semi local, preschool aged theme park.

I excitedly opened it… pulled out the cards and rolled my eyes at one missing..

till the truth knocked me back.

It wasn’t a membership card that is missing..

it’s my child.

Moments like that are sometimes the worst… the ones that surprise me seem to leave the biggest scars.

scars of her life..scars of my love for her.

I shoved the papers back in the envelope and there they sit. Normally I would be putting them directly into my wallet to be ready… But now they are a scar.. every time I look at them I will remember that moment..

that snuck up on me.. tapped me on the shoulder…

and knocked me to the ground.

We didn’t buy memberships while she was alive. It was 30 mins away and I didn’t put in the effort.. and it was too much money..I try not to feel too guilty about all of that.. I had no way of knowing.  But I am thankful for the outpouring my family has received that allows us to buy passes this year for our still living children.

There is a local theme park here in town.. we did buy passes for this year for all of us while there still was a “all of us”. I don’t know if I will ever be able to take them there though. But I have to. Its not fair to my boys to miss our on this place 5 minutes away that is made for their age group… Picture 358 IMG_2234CSC_0836

There are few things I can honestly say she would want me to do…taking the kids to Gilroy Gardens is one of them. .. I just don’t know if I can get through it with out her. I see signs.. I think.. I hope.. But I don’t feel her. I want to feel her… I want to know her presence..IMG_0771 IMG_2803 IMG_0493

Thats a lie..I want all of her..

I’d settle for just feeling her.

I hear this a lot … “Jennifer wouldn’t want you to be so sad”.. Well I am. So if she really is looking down on my with the tears falling, does that mean I am failing her?

again?

I don’t need to hear that… I want to hear, however I feel is ok.. Believe me I feel like a failure enough.. I feel it now. Writing and missing her.. something I don’t get to do during the day.  So it builds to my night. Charlotte and I say goodnight to a poster board from Jennifer’s services filled with pictures of her…and us with her. Its pretty amazing how Charlotte will zero in on one picture of her big sister and I will talk to her about it.  It begins.. my sorrow starts to uncap itself… knowing soon it will safe enough to escape.

I feel like I deny her during the day.. the ache gets put aside..stuffed away somewhere.. rumbling and shaking below the surface just waiting to come out.

Sometimes I want to just stay in bed.. and cry.. Flip the script of our “new normal”..to hold her pinkie bear and sob. And sleep. I can’t though.. we are blessed with 3 young kids.. They are obviously one of the only things that keeps me going.. but sometimes its really hard too to be trying to parent them through this all at their ages.. Ages where they are home all day.. and have lots of needs…but not a huge grasp of what has happened. When at times I just want to lay down and give up.. just for awhile.

That’s hard to admit.. I feel a lot of guilt writing it out. . .black and white. . I feel like my gratitude should be through the roof..

it is in a way.. .  for the years we got with her.. for the 3 I still have with me. Raising a child in heaven is hard, but successfully raising living ones at the same time, that seems impossibly daunting most of the time.  IMG_0409

We talked about that last night in parent support group.. about our relationship with God… or higher power .. and reactions we feel from what people say. We all understood it was said with the best of intentions. .. but the words can still have a impact and from many of the bereaved parents I have met.. not the kind that was intended..  Everything takes on new meaning when your child dies.. .

There was a lot of pain in that room from expectations. From being told to “have faith” .. “God can do anything”.. “trust in Him” .. . for me personally those translated to me praying wrong. . or not hard enough.. . or that it wasn’t ok to be mad at God.

I was.  I am.

If prayer could have healed her.. then she wouldn’t be dead. I know how many people we had praying for her.. so how do I find my way through that??..

Buckle up..

I don’t think God answers prayers.

I will never give Him credit for answering my prayers.. or say somebody’s prayers are answered.

See I can’t believe that. Because if He does answer prayers then why didn’t he answer mine? Ours? Why is she dead? Pretty simplistic prayer.. don’t let Jennifer die. I tried not to pray it.

But I did.. and she did.

So I flipped the script..

I don’t think He answers prayers but I think He listens. I think He hears and truly cares. But I do not think he answers prayers. I don’t think that because we ask Him.. beg Him even…I don’t think He will change things.

Do I pray? Yup.

I pray for Him to stand by me… to help me trust Him again.. I pray especially for Him to reach out to my husband.. and work extra hard to reach his heart.

It has actually helped my relationship.  In  a lot of ways what I ask God for is the same thing I want from my family and friends. I try really hard to be aware of what I am praying for and about.. I share this not for feedback.. because today its working for me.. .but to potentially help some body else thats struggling..

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My personal knife to the gut.. comment is “she’s in a better place”. “she’s is whole and pain free”.  I believe it (well mostly..a part of me still thinks her better place is here on the couch with her brothers and sister)..I have faith that she is out of pain and free… But I still want her here. I am selfish.. I just want her here for me… nothing about her happiness…just my own..

That feels awful.. haven’t figured out a way around that one yet.

 

 

Oh … and when it comes to what Jennifer would want.. that she wouldn’t want me sad..well I secretly smile now .. flipped the script again…

… .because I know if Jennifer was here

she would want a cookie in the tub… .

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62 Responses to “script”

  1. All I can say is that I am always thinking of you and your family and keeping you in my heart. And that now I want a cookie in the tub.

  2. I agree with you so much Libby.
    THIS is the better place.
    HERE is the better place.
    I think when people say that “they’re in a better place” its a bit of a cop out cos they don’t know what else to say.
    Don’t be afraid to say what you truly and honestly feel.
    You’re not blogging here to worry about what other people think – I love your honesty. Xx

  3. Lost my mom in August 2013. You put into words my exact thoughts about God, prayers, and mostly things that people say. I also don’t like the thought or saying they are in a better place. For me what better place is there than to be living with your family? Enjoying in my Mom’s case her grand kids. Pain free is easier to swallow but at the same time I still want to know why did they have to get sick, suffer, and die. It’s all so unfair and I imagine someday I will know why. But in the meantime I do as you do, try to live this “new normal” for my kids, husband, and my Mom.

    Thank you Libby for sharing your grief, it is very therapeutic for someone going through it as well though a different grief. I do pray for your family daily to find the strength to navigate through this thing we call life.

  4. Libby,

    Your daily posts touch my heart. No one can know, feel, or understand the pain and loss you are feeling every day without Angel Jennifer. I love your phrase, “A Cookie in the Tub”, and the precious picture of Jennifer. Please continue writing and sharing your feelings and thoughts. In doing so, you are helping so many lives. Sending healing thoughts and prayers.

  5. “He’s in a better place”. That one is the hardest for me. My husband died, not my child. I know it’s gotta be soooooo much harder for a child to die. I think people really don’t know what to say. I’ve had two people tell me they know exactlyi how I feel because they are divorced. How can someone say that? My husband died a year and a half ago, they say things get easier. That is kinda true, missing him and grieving have not gotten easier but, putting a smile on my face and saying “I’m doing well” has gotten easier (even though it’s a lie). It makes people more comfortable.
    Thank you Libby for sharing how you feel, you help me more than you will ever know.

  6. Take a bunch of cookies and go sit in the tub, yourself. THAT I know JLK would want. Go ahead, I double dare you…and I would love to hear how it felt. :o)

  7. Not being able to understand the whys is the hardest part. It is something I struggle with every day. I guess that’s why it is called faith.

  8. And YOU let her have that cookie in the tub! lol…so cute! I also believe the better place for her is with you and I know, no matter her condition, it will always be her better place too! Ithank you again for sharing and being so real!

  9. I’m probably guilty of having said this in the past… I pray I never hurt someone when it was said. It’s so hard to know what to say.
    Praying for your family

  10. My baby is 7. I can’t even imagine. That you are even still alive and functioning let alone doing everything you continue to do for all your children is amazing to me. I’m sick for you.

  11. Libby

    You are not selfish for your feelings. You are a grieving mom going through something so hard no one will ever understand. Be forgiving patient with yourself, how ever you feel is how you should be feeling. Thus is your journey and however you walk it is the right way.

    Prayers and tight hugs.

  12. Dear Libby, I gave you “a knife to the gut” as you said on that February day too…I hope you know all these comments are written with the best intention from us. Of course it would be best for Jennifer to still be here with her family…
    I don’t know if God answers prayers, I believe he did once for me and it changed my life path completely. But he did not answer many other prayers of mine. Maybe he can not always answer as he has different plans for us in different times and we would never understand the “bigger picture”. I hope though he does answer to your prayers with regards to your husband and reaches out to him. xxx

  13. I agree with you 100% Libby. You have every right to feel whatever you are feeling, however you are feeling. There is nonright or wrong way to feel. I believe that Jennifer is no longer in pain. But she should be here with you, Tony and the kids. We all want her here. We love her. We love you all. All 6 of you. ♡

  14. Whatever you feel or write here is safe Libby. Thank you for being so honest and being all of you. We continue to listen and be with you, all of you… the angry you, the sad you, the happy you.

    I am going to have a cookie in the tub… tonight for sure. I’m going to think about Jennifer and what a cool mom she has.

  15. She is not in a better place, her better place is with you and her siblings and her daddy at home, alive. Though she is not suffering it is so unfair that she had to suffer at all and that she had to be taken away from you Libby. You are right to be angry, you are right to feel hurt when people make comments unknowningly hurting you. You are going through so much I cant imagine how you are able to stay strong and take care of your three little ones. You are so strong and brave <3 I pray for you to have strength to get through your days and nights, I pray for you to have some peace in your heart. Sending so much love and hugs always.

  16. As I read this post, I had a ton of thoughts. But the one that I will share is that you wanting her here isn’t selfish and I think it is also about her happiness. You know what you know. You are her mama and you know what makes her happy- the couch with her brothers and sisters. You will always want her there… Because you can say with certainty that she would be happy there. In heaven?? We are told that our lives ones are happy….have faith….all those things but we are human and only know what we know. You know she would be happy in your arms.

    Peace be with you.

  17. I like the quote “Prayer doesn’t change things. It changes me.” Thinking of you with love and acceptance for whatever you are feeling now.

  18. Can you give me the information of a support group for parents who have lost a child? My good friend lost her daughter last oct and still hasn’t even been able to go back to work. Thank you for expressing how words you think are helping really are hurting. I will NEVER say what would your daughter want for you? I feel like an asshole… Guess words are hard to find to comfort a person dying inside. There are no words… None. I suffered loss but not a child. It’s not the same. She has no living children, and has no supportive family. Just a handful of friends. We try our best for her. I have never met you but your blogs help me process what my friend is going through. Give me understanding of what she needs or doesn’t..

  19. I feel your pain.I thought that if you asked you would receive and I asked everyday for my daughter to be cured and I was furious when it didnt happen.Going through the journey thats all the hope I had and it is such a bad feeling when not only do you lose your child but all the faith and hope you put into it you lose too.Now it is realy hard for me to believe that prayers get answered too.Why were our children given this disease and not given a whole wonderful life that they should of had?When it is said she is in a better place it makes me feel like why wasn’t her place with me good enough?I feel what did I do wrong why didn’t I deserve to keep my child.The things and thoughts that consume a grieving mother.People have the best of intentions when they make statements in hopes of making us feel better but honestly when you lose a child nothing can be said to make it ok.The only thing that is comforting is when they say you’ll see her again someday and I’m sure like you,you cant wait for that day and how happy we will be again.Sorry for your pain just know there is others that share it.

  20. Its so normal to have the feelings you are having. Don’t feel guilty because not too many people could go through what you are and take care of three little ones. I can understand you feeling guilty doing things that are fun without her. Although you should not feel guilty it is understandable because no matter what it’s hard to be happy when you lost a child. I look for your posts everyday and if I don’t see one I go to your page and make sure I didn’t miss it some how. I wish there were words or something we could do but there are no words that we can say that will ever make it better. You lost a child there is no feeling better. Although the time will come when it will be a little bit easier but there will always be something that will trigger your loss. Praying that God will touch Tony’s heart and bring him comfort and sending prayers to you that God will comfort you on your roughest days. Although its hard to believe that God answers prayers I think he does. They say we are put on earth and we have a purpose and once we have fulfilled that purpose God takes us home. Thats all well and good but not understandable when he takes a 6 year old. But someday they say we will get all our answers. I know that does not help now. I agree the better place would be here with you and Tony and her 3 siblings that is the better place and her well and happy. My heart hurts for you each and every day I read your blog. I can see the struggles you have each and everyday and what you go through. All I can say we are all here for you and as long as you write we will be here to read and listen. Sending you lots of ~~HUGS~~ and love to you and your family with prayers for comfort and strength to get through each and every day. <3 <3

  21. I don’t know how I would feel, but I am sure I would feel angry, guilt, pain, failure, sadness- all the same things you are feeling. I feel them now reading your painful words. I am so sorry, Libby.
    I am proud of you. Keep on keepin’ on.

  22. Libby- reading your words literally bringS me to my knees. It’s as though it gives me -I am sure what is only a tiny glimpse into what it can feel like to lose a child. Your words have always resignated with me in a lot of ways- and the wisdom behind your words haVe often reminded me of things -that I’ve read on smashing walnuts site by members of her family. I have contacted Gabriella’s mother shortly after Jennifer earned her Angel wings- in hopes that she would contact you -and really just help you any way she could since the pain you’re living through is something that only a mother who lost a child and especially as something as horrible as the DIPG- can understand. I had no knowledge if you had been in contact with her already tell in the off chance that you hadn’t- I thought maybe they can help with your Foundation- because They also donated their daughters tumor. I was glad to see your post about smashing walnut and to know that you’re to families had Connected in some way. I do want you to know that I believe that your words are filled love -with pain -wisdom -and pure agony that I believe will be able to move anybody- including government that can do something about the lack of funding for pediatric cancer.

  23. You have it right. You are angry with God. He can take it. Get angry with Him. You have every right.
    You are amazing. You are doing great with your younger kids.
    You still pray. You are beyond what I can put into words. The word that keeps coming to me is amazing. So I will say it again, Libby you are truly amazing. You might not feel that way but know that you are.

  24. Thanks for the cookie in the tub comment. It made me smile and reminded me so much of the little girl I glimpsed the one time I met her….Easter…two years ago. I wasn’t in a good place then…struggling with being a new mom, but you, and Jennifer, and Rachael, and the other moms and kids there made me feel safe and welcome. I’ll never forget that…or how hard I laughed at watching Jennifer play. She radiated joy that day.

  25. I think every single emotion you are feeling, the way your current daily life is juxtaposed against your deepest hearts desires, is all part of this unfortunate & painful journey. I have no words of wisdom to ease the pain, but know that there are so many people (both people you know well and those you will never ever meet)who are pulling for you, all of them in your corner to help you find your way on this journey. <3

  26. Oh I am definitely guilty of saying Jennifer is now happy and pain free but I am also aware that really…that is all I got Libby! I think that is all ANYONE has to even remotely try to comfort you. Hell if I could conjure up special powers and bring Jennifer back, I would 100x prefer it! Rub a lamp or something, poof! Tragedy erased.

    But it doesn’t work that way…goddamnit! Yes…I damn God sometimes, and then feel like shit and ask for forgiveness. Aren’t we supposed to trust His sometimes crappy choices? “It’s what God wanted” “We’re on God’s time” isn’t that what people say? And sometimes you just wanna yell “Well eff Him!!” and that is soooooo very normal and acceptable!

    You’re not supposed to be trying to imagine your daughter with a halo and wings, hoping some sign means she is still there somehow…she SHOULD be here! She should be excited for summer break, excited to graduate kindergarten, stealing your lipstick, driving you bonkers, baking gluten free cookies, reading beginner princess books…and more.

    But maybe it is more painful for me to say that to you, it’s like Jesus…do I want to remind her of that pain? So I cling to heaven, to Jennifer pain free, happy…because really…the truth just devestates…I am a stranger, but it really breaks my heart, and I guess I’d rather focus on what JLK gained…instead of what you lost.

    It’s just…too sad.

  27. I love how honest you are, Libby. I’m guilty of saying something to someone in mourning and offending them with absolutely no intentions to. There are no words sometimes. We all want to make things better and everyone happy and that’s just impossible. Thank you for your insight.

    You have no idea how much I’ve gained and learned from your blog. Thank you for continuing to share your journey.

    Sending hugs and thoughts of comfort.

    p.s. My 3 kids have never had a cookie in the tub. Tonight that will change. 🙂

  28. Have you thought of making a ritual of dedicating one day to yourself to lay in your bed with Pinkie Bear? A Pinkie Bear and you day! Loved cookies in the bath<3

  29. Just reminding you that the only normal there is is the one you are in at any moment of any day. That’s it. I agree with whoever said you should go eat cookies in the tub. Can’t think of a better place to have them.

  30. You are anything but a failure. If you need to, send your children to preschool or to family’s houses for you to have time to yourself and it’s not all your job to keep them happy. Jennifer would want whatever you want. Simple. And she’d want to be with you.

  31. We frequent happy hollow and gilroy gardens as well (we live in San Jose) – I desperately hope that, some day, I will have the great fortune of running into you so that I can put all that I desperately feel into a squeeze between mothers who have experienced the loss of a child.

    My loses have been miscarriages, as well as the loss of a full term baby we had been committed to adopt for 8 months: I know that my grief at those loses is only a shadow of the pain that you feel.

    Thank you, as always, for your honesty.

    (if you ever see us, Im that crazy lady with an 8 year old, a 3 1/2 year old with a purple cast up to her armpit, and a little biracial baby boy always wrapped and worn on the front of me. We’re a hard bunch to miss 🙂 )

  32. Until I went through a really difficult season of life I used to say pat answers and comments that rhymed but no longer. I have really tried to mourn with those who mourn. Thank you for sharing with us. I do not know you but a friend of mine shared your blog and I have been following for months. I am also a Jennifer Lynn. I have cried so often reading your blog. I can’t imagine at all.

  33. In your past post titled”angry”, I thought you described so beautifully our best way to understand his “No” to our prayers.

    In your words: “And I look at it like this. I love my kids. A lot. But I say no. Even to what is their deepest and truest hearts desires. They may never understand the reasons I say no. They may rage against my no. But I still say it. This is my God, this is what He is doing now. I will never ever understand his why (but I believe he has one) and even if I did . . . his why would never be good enough. ”

    Praying for you all. May He comfort you with His love and give you the faith to trust that He is good despite the pain.

  34. Spechless like always…..Im agree with you, and all I want to say is thank you for sharing your JLK
    Your Jennifer glitter girl !!!
    Lots of xxxxx
    From far away

  35. My favorite priest said something that has stayed with me for years “God listens to all of our prayers – but sometimes he says No.” I have complete faith in Him – but still have a difficult time praying or just talking to him. However, I know He is with me – always – just like he is with you and your family – always.

    You are doing an amazing job but are so hard on yourself. Guilt, exhaustion, tears, sadness, anger – all very honest emotions. Emotions that need to be released and expressed.

    Keep talking and we will all keep listening.

  36. Libby….my heart aches for you. The daily grind of mommyhood wears us down but to add such a devastating blow, is unimaginable. You are doing the best that you can with the resources and information at this particular time. Every day all we can do is our best,and,trust me, my best is not even that good and I haven’t lost a child…yet. It could happen. I aspire to be as strong as you. To be open, take more pictures, to do the little things with them. To quote my favorite band, Pearl Jam, “All that’s sacred, comes from youth.” Hugs to you and your little ones.

  37. In my experience god answers prayer, sometimes yes and sometimes no. How I pray reflects my relationship with Him. Do I only ask ask ask or do I converse, give thanks, yell, curse, cry, share? My oldest is 16 and I love the times he comes to me to engage! The requests, yes they Are part of our relationship and I don’t love him any less because he must ask things of me. I don’t think he is aware of all of the times I have said yes but I know he hurts when I say no, I am aware of that though I must. Living Eucharisteo has changed my relationship with God, it changed the conversation. I cannot say anything to comfort you but I can say that an authentic (meaning you being exactly you) with The Lord can comfort you. I pray for that. I believe that prayer response is a YES!

  38. When I was a child I had an “imaginary” friend. I say “imaginary” with quoatations, because I truly believe her to be real. Her name was CeCe and I talked with her through the play-kitchen phone. I must have been four and my memories of her are few. I know she lived in the clouds.

    But I remember her voice. Like a windchime. My mom told me I said once that I can hear her because words are heavy like the wind.

    As an adult, I came across an article about prayer. It said, thoughts, prayers, words.. they have weight. Real, measurable mass, however small. And I do believe they can make an impact, whether through God or science.. magic or faith.. or soul to soul talking from play-kitchen phone to the clouds.

  39. Thank you for continuing to write about your days and all of the feelings and emotions you are going through. I believe you have and are continuing to help so many people! I have so many thoughts and things to say but no idea if they will come out right.

    I so hear you on the “better place” part…I remember my brother writing my Grandma’s eulogy years ago and asking “is it a better place that she is in now, is that the term people use?” I likened it to Disney World but then remembered No, that’s the Happiest Place on Earth, so he went with “better place”. Now that I hear your words, she should be here with you, whether that be Disney World, the beach, Happy Hollow or snuggled on the couch, her better place should be with you and your family. Ugh, sadly, it’s not and I’m so sorry for that. However, I do believe she is around you in spirit and will continue to give you signs and let you know that she is alright.

    I wanted to let you know when I was reading a previous post, the one about the song “Happy”, that song actually came on the radio as I was reading. I know that song is played over and over but I’d like to think that was a sign, maybe thanking me for listening to you and always keeping you in my thoughts.

    I also wanted to thank you for sharing her service with the world, such a brave thing to do, it was beautiful. I was in awe of the strength you showed and really felt it honoured her memory amazingly! I enjoyed all the wonderful pictures and I absolutely loved all the songs that were chosen as part of the day.

    Oh Libby, if I lived closer (I’m in Canada), I would bring my kids over for play dates with yours, the boys could follow after my 9 year old daughter and would have a great time with my 6 and 3 year old sons! How fun would that be?!

    With three kids of my own and working outside of the home, I have just recently been going through some stress and anxiety and my doctor has put me on an anti-depressant (never thought I would ever have a need for those), and although they have been helping, I still do not feel like myself. I now have people telling me “oh, you’ll find a new normal” but I don’t want to find a new normal, I want my old normal back….so although I haven’t experienced quite the heartache you have, I know a little of what you are going through when people say things that try to make you feel better but really don’t. I wish you didn’t have to find a “new” normal either.

    I did want to share another story I recently came across of a little boy who is holding on after being diagnosed with an inoperable tumor as well. They have a FB page called Blue4Ben and they have a blog as well. You should try reaching out to them, if you think you can, I think you may really be able to help them and I was going to share your tumor donation post so they may be able to help in the fight as well, when the time comes.

    Take care, Libby, of yourself and your precious little ones! Always reading and thinking of you!

  40. I never leave comments because every night I read your posts and am too tearful to type. I just wanted you to know I read every day and think you are the most wonderful mother to each of your kids!!! All 4! You are aloud time to grieve and I know your youngest children will never hold it against you! Even if it takes years for you to figure out how to live life again! Every day I read and hope for you to be able to live even a day without guilt! Love and prayers are sent every day for you and your family!

  41. You’re doing it all right! It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t kind of time. And you’re right! Here with her family is “the better place”
    There’s that saying, what we don’t know can’t hurt us (I think that’s it) anyway, that’s bullcrap! What we don’t know can defenetly hurt us!
    I’ve seen It first hand with my mom, and I can hear it in your words. We don’t know why, we just know it is…. And the IS part sucks for a long time. But you my friend are unique, and are handling this as best as you can and that’s all anyone should expect!
    Sending Love!

  42. How you feel is fine, nobody has the right to tell you how you “should” be feeling. The courage you have to write about your feelings, so much Grace. You are incredible.

  43. Your words hit home more than ever with this one Libby. Especially about prayer. As much as I often hate it I too have come to the conclusion that He listens to prayers rather than answers them.

    I *try* not to say that JLK or anyone else is in a better place (if I have slipped and said it here I really do apologise) because however amazing heaven is, death isn’t right. However I do often speak of people, including Jennifer, being healed and whole in heaven simply because that is the hope I cling to. Death is inexpressibly WRONG and Jennifer should be here with you right now, but I have to believe you will see her again. It’s what I grip white knuckled on to when all else feels lost. Heaven doesn’t make death or any of the other wrongs in this world right, it’s just a promise that it isn’t the end of all hope. I hope that makes sense, finding it hard to find the right words tonight

    Also you don’t ever ever ever need to feel guilty for anything you think, say or feel. You are dealing with the ugliest of circumstances with the most incredible grace and truth. There aren’t many things I know for sure but I feel certain that your glitter girl feels nothing but pride and love for you. You could never let her or us down.

  44. Libby, Thank you for expressing these thoughts. While I can’t begin to know the pain you are in right now, as a momma to one living child and 4 angel babies, I can tell you that you’ve articulated my struggle with God since my last miscarriage perfectly. Another knife to the gut to me is “Everything happens for a reason”. I used to believe that, I did. I don’t anymore. But what I do believe, I think, is that God can help make glory from ashes and give some purpose to pain. I continue to keep your family close in thought and pray for peace and comfort.

  45. First off, in your own words, HOWEVER YOU FEEL IS OKAY. Your feelings come from the purest, best place of true emotion and love. They belong to you. No one who hasn’t sat in your “chair” can ever know what you face, what you endure, what you FEEL.

    I cry with you, and not with you, and I know that my pain on your behalf is a faint shadow of the true dark you face everyday, everynight.

    Your feelings are unerring.

    As for parenting your living children…I cannot imagine the depths of patience to do that at their ages and in their volume when there was nothing at all wrong, LET ALONE through the blinding veil of grief. You said once you had had no problem going to the grocery store with four kids; I dread it just with two. You’re clearly a natural at parenting and negotiating the minefields of disparate needs/wants/tantrums/diaper changes when your cart is full of rapidly dethawing items. You have earned my unending admiration and continue to. Parenting is HARD. You are a pro at it.

    Finally: prayer. Oh my God: no pun intended. When I was a kid, our minister told us God answers prayers three ways: yes, no and wait. I always thought what an insult to people to say everything can happen through prayer…what about the millions killed in the Holocaust? The Rwandans? The victims of various genocides throughout the ages: they just didn’t pray hard enough? Really, they sucked at prayer? This has been a really hard one for me to get my head around, and I share your bafflement and your wanting to understand. I wish…I wish a lot of things. I hope someday this all makes sense. It better!

  46. I have found this post to be a little offensive. God certainly does answer prayers, the fact that you are saying he doesn’t is hurtful not only to other parents who lost children, but other people in general. And I hope you don’t take away the joys for your children like the theme parks etc which is not fair to them in anyway…and is not fair to you. They are so young..they need keep experiencing life after this tragedy and keep living every moment to the fullest as you should know quite well.

    1. Dear “No Comment”

      To be honest, I found YOUR post to be more than a little offensive. Libby and her family lost their daughter/sister. And I know that her entire family and hundreds of friends prayed for a miracle and for God to answer their prayers to spare Jennifer’s life. It didn’t happen for them. She is dead, so for you to tell Libby it is “hurtful” for her to speak HER truth is astonishingly offensive an frankly quite callous.
      Are you someone who has lost a child? If you are not, then I don’t think you can possibly fathom the type of grief Libby feels. If you are, I cannot believe you are so concerned with judging someone else’s feelings about a completely all consuming loss.
      I found your comments about “taking away” the theme park from her other living children condescending and inappropriate. And I hope that the next time you chose to write a post you have the courage to post your true name instead of cowardly hiding behind a fake one.

  47. “Jesus Christ is no security against storms, but He is perfect security in storms. He has never promised you an easy passage, only a safe landing.” -L.B. Cowman

  48. I do truly believe that whatever you are feeling is the right thing to be feeling. Emotions are not logical. Logic will ruin you if you try to depend on it to deal with your emotions. You can acknowledge that your feelings are not logical, but then accept that they are what they are.

    I just wish I could take all the guilt away for you. I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself. But maybe it’s just what you need to focus on right now while trying to cope with the hows and the whys. I don’t know. But I’m thinking of Jennifer, of you, Tony, Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte.

    I think you’re doing great, given.

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