I am trying. Trying to be a better mom. Trying to concentrate on them.. Trying to remember the mom I used to be and bring that back to life.. at least a little bit.
Jennifer got some of the best of me .. and I am scared she took it with her..
It started on Halloween.. Jonathan was sick so he stayed home with Tony and I took the others trick or treating (almost all of us got sick after that so big sorry to anybody we shared germs with!) It was the first holiday or should be hard day that wasn’t hard.
Because it wasn’t just one missing .. it was two. And my mind. My heart were easily convinced that they were both at home.. Waiting and playing with their Daddy.
And the carefree I felt. The absence of that heavy grief.. it was nice. It was empowering.. And so I’ve been putting in the effort since Halloween..
Things have changed this year. Nicholas and Charlotte are really bonding and forging a friendship. They play outside and don’t need me to be out there with them.. Those sounds as I clean the dishes or answer emails of their imaginations kicking into high gear and just enjoying each other. I didn’t realize how much I missed it.
She used to march them all outside first thing in the morning.. I remember not having gloves and putting socks on their hands because it was so cold .. but they didn’t care they just wanted to be outside.. Together ..in their own little world. .
I remember soon after she died writing about how I thought they all loved it.. but quickly it was apparent they didn’t know how to function without their leader and so it all changed.. I never thought it would come back..
And its a beautiful and hard thing.. Because they are living and growing.. and making their own paths.. But she isn’t.
Ive been trying. I really have been.
*************often times I feel like she tries to reach me through music.. today it was through photos.. All the ones I had pulled out of her siblings doing fun things.. Ones of us doing very similar ones popped up..***************
Thank you Jennifer Lynn.
But I have also been failing. . .
I hate it. I hate that everybody tells me I make them a better mom.. that I make them hold their children tighter and pause a little longer.. Because I don’t. I take them for granted still.. I still have days that I count down the hours until bedtime.
and I absolutely hate myself for it.
Because it can happen. I realized tonight kissing Bridgette goodnight how incredibly scared I am it will happen again. .. Not necessarily cancer, though its a palpable fear.. but just of losing another one of the them some way or another. ..
I even get scared right now.. putting the fear in black and white.. Am I willing it to happen?
please sissy. please please protect them..
I’m just really scared I’ll look back at this time many years from now and have regrets. That I was in a fog.. that I counted down the hours till bedtime to often. That I was absorbed in anything but them..
I’m scared I am failing as a mom. I am scared they aren’t happy.. I’m scared I am a bad mom ..
I’m scared I am disappointing her.. failing her now.. still.
I am just scared.. More than I want to admit. More than anybody that knows me would ever guess.
please jennifer please
ps. You did. Those pictures. They helped. Well done my love. Well done.
..until there is a cure..