Its pretty amazing how one moment can trigger one memory.. that then triggers a landslide of them.
I was at the CVS pharmacy waiting to pick up my prescription. I moved to the side where the toy aisles are and I remembered being on a phone call there.. standing right in that very spot. So incredibly mad. I was talking to a hospice nurse.. right when Jennfier was going to be getting on service begging for one seemingly simple answer. How can long can a little girl live with no food and barely any liquid. And I couldn’t get a answer. I was nearly yelling.. just tell me a number. How can you not give me a number?!?!
Now I know why.. because there really isn’t one. They can last so much longer than you would ever even imagine. Jennifer was over 23 more days. ..
I was so mad though.. nearing hysteria because I just wanted a picture painted for me of the landscape ahead. But nobody could give me those answers. It was Jennifer’s journey and I believe it was all in Jennifer’s time.
I do remember the time she drank though.. just a little and kept it down. I was almost euphoric. Remember with me .. I needed that. I needed to know we got something in her .. and also that in the end..it still didn’t heal her.
I remembered happy times.. so many other times being in that area. They have a foot product stand set up where you can measure your feet. I remember the kids “earning” a chance to take turns measuring their feet if they had been behaving. How silly I thought it was that they loved to just stand on this contraption. I remembered how we would walk down the toy aisle and discuss what they wanted to ask Santa for the upcoming year.. even in July they loved to do that.
And once we knew she had cancer we went there.. I remember once having all 4 kids.. Jennifer was in her wheelchair and she had colored a picture. For some reason she brought it in the store .. We finally got to the car and I got her chair loaded and all 4 buckled in.
..It was so much harder then.. she has always helped me with the other ones and could buckle herself for as long as I could remember but she had lost that ability. I started the car and she realized she didn’t have her picture.
She begged for me to go back..But I had already left.. and she could always redraw it. But then I changed my mind.. at the next light I turned around. A “no into yes” for her.
..oh thank you for the avalanche of memories that gave me this one..I am grateful for this blog..
I found it. In the toy aisle and her smile when I handed it to her was worth it all. I thought I knew then.. how very precious that one simple thing was. But I had no idea. Her smile. My daughters smile. .. Nothing else like it in the world.. one of the most valuable things I have every had.
It soothes me a little to know I gave her some “no into yes” moments as well. When I realized I had the power to change things for her.. and in turn me also. When I remembered that being 5 minutes later to wherever I was going paled in comparison to the gift of my yes for her.. and the gift of her smile for me.
i just realized you were my first “no into yes”
daddy and i had so many no’s before you.
before you, our firstborn.
our first yes.
can you tell Him thanks for me?
…until there is a cure..