My no into yes

Its pretty amazing how one moment can trigger one memory.. that then triggers a landslide of them.

I was at the CVS pharmacy waiting to pick up my prescription. I moved to the side where the toy aisles are and I remembered being on a phone call there.. standing right in that very spot. So incredibly mad. I was talking to a hospice nurse.. right when Jennfier was going to be getting on service begging for one seemingly simple answer. How can long can a little girl live with no food and barely any liquid. And I couldn’t get a answer. I was nearly yelling.. just tell me a number. How can you not give me a number?!?!

Now I know why.. because there really isn’t one. They can last so much longer than you would ever even imagine. Jennifer was over 23 more days. ..

Once in awhile she would suck on minty sponges on a stick called toothettes .. that what almost all of her intake ..
Once in awhile she would suck on minty sponges on a stick called toothettes I dipped in water .. that what almost all of her intake .. Often she couldn’t even keep that down. 

I was so mad though.. nearing hysteria because I just wanted a picture painted for me of the landscape ahead. But nobody could give me those answers. It was Jennifer’s journey and I believe it was all in Jennifer’s time.

I do remember the time she drank though.. just a little and kept it down. I was almost euphoric. Remember with me .. I needed that. I needed to know we got something in her .. and also that in the end..it still didn’t heal her.

I remembered happy times.. so many other times being in that area. They have a foot product stand set up where you can measure your feet. I remember the kids “earning” a chance to take turns measuring their feet if they had been behaving. How silly I thought it was that they loved to just stand on this contraption. I remembered how we would walk down the toy aisle and discuss what they wanted to ask Santa for the upcoming year.. even in July they loved to do that.

And once we knew she had cancer we went there.. I remember once having all 4 kids.. Jennifer was in her wheelchair and she had colored a picture. For some reason she brought it in the store .. We finally got to the car and I got her chair loaded and all 4 buckled in.

no1
Princess dresses or jammies. Her two favorite things to wear.

 

..It was so much harder then.. she has always helped me with the other ones and could buckle herself for as long as I could remember but she had lost that ability. I started the car and she realized she didn’t have her picture.

She begged for me to go back..But I had already left.. and she could always redraw it. But then I changed my mind.. at the next light I turned around. A “no into yes” for her.

..oh thank you for the avalanche of memories that gave me this one..I am grateful for this blog.. 

I found it. In the toy aisle and her smile when I handed it to her was worth it all. I thought I knew then.. how very precious that one simple thing was. But I had no idea. Her smile. My daughters smile. .. Nothing else like it in the world.. one of the most valuable things I have every had.

It soothes me a little to know I gave her some “no into yes” moments as well. When I realized I had the power to change things for her.. and in turn me also. When I remembered that being 5 minutes later to wherever I was going paled in comparison to the gift of my yes for her.. and the gift of her smile for me. 

hey jennifer

i just realized you were my first “no into yes”

daddy and i had so many no’s before you.

before you, our firstborn.

our first yes.

can you tell Him thanks for me?

no5

…until there is a cure..

22 Responses to “My no into yes”

  1. Libby, You are so amazing! Jennifer is so very precious and amazing just like her Mother. Someday, I would like to meet up with you and give you all my butterflies. They remind me of Jennifer and her beautiful smile. I did meet you once at “Mama’s Night Out” in Livermore, but you were so very busy being kind to everyone. It was a beautiful night of love and glitter. Thank you for continuing to share your heart felt posts about Jennifer. Sincerely, Jan Rien

  2. I never know what to say, as a mother i cant even begin to imagine what you go through daily. Know i will never forget your beautiful Jennifer. Prayers and hugs to you all xx

  3. Jennifer is still so very loved. I will never forget her. I think about her everyday. And i turn no’s into yes’s because of her. Thankyou for sharing your beautiful Jennifer with us. ♡

  4. Seeing all the pictures you post, and the slideshow at her service, you can tell she had a happy full life. You and Tony gave her that, you gave her a loving home and siblings and support. I hope you can remember more of her nos into yesses. and you constantly inspire me to try to be a better mom. She inspires me

  5. I love how I feel like I know Jennifer through you. You have painted such an amazing portrait of her fabulousness. I wish you knew, even though we have never met, how many times I think of you and Jennifer when I am with my own kids (4 yr old girl and almost 6 year old boy) and my heart aches for you. I think to myself, “What if that was me and my kids?” And I want to hug you and tell you that people DO think about your girl… and you… and we care… even if from a distance and from people you may never meet. You are amazing. I am so sorry you lost her. I cant wait to meet her in heaven some day! She will have a fan club!!! xox

  6. {lump in my throat} and {tears in my eyes} and feeling incredibly guilty. I see me in you and I feel guilty. Because I don’t know if I would have turned around and then I would have felt horrible about it. I’m glad you did. And thank you for the reminders to be present…to be loving…and to treasure everything. Even the small things.

  7. It is because of you and because of Jennifer that I turn “nos” into “yeses” for my two little ones. You taught me that the big picture is waaayyyy more important in life. Thank you for sharing your memories (good and bad) with us. You are making a difference in all of our lives– big and small.

  8. Jennifer was your first no into a yes. That is so beautiful. Reading that made my heart swell into my throat and brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful realization. Sometimes those triggers that catch us off guard are hard. And sometimes they are wonderful.

  9. The details you share of Jennifer’s sufferering make me feel like I was punched in the stomach. I cannot imagine being her mother and having to witness it. Jennifer is an inspiration and so are you.

  10. The details you share of Jennifer’s suffering make me feel like I have been punched in the stomach. I cannot imagine having to witness it as a mother.
    Jennifer is an inspiration and so are you.

  11. I, too, am grateful for this blog….for several reasons. But most of all, it makes me smile to think of that moment – HER smile – and what a blessing that was for you. There is no doubt that you, Libby, were made to be a mother, and that you have always had a true mama heart. But in the way only God can do, He has used all of your incredibly hard times to magnify and increase your natural gifting, so now your love overflows to all of us and more. Surely, this is why you are blessed with another angel to hold in your arms. And surely Jennifer has a lot to do with that!

  12. Like that time Jennifer gave her toy to the other kid that didn’t get one, without being asked or without anyone watching, she is doing that for so many other kids time and time again. Putting smiles on their faces! I have turned so many no’s into yes’s in honor of Jennifer. Both my kids gave out unravel valentines. She (and you) are making a difference. Xoxoxo

  13. Beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful.

    I know that wasn’t easy, four kids and one in a wheelchair, quite the undertaking to get everyone back into the store. You rock. You’ve always rocked.

  14. This post makes my heart happy. I’m so happy that you sharing these details with us help you remember some of those (seemingly little, but we know better) memories with Jennifer.

    You have taught so many of us how to be better mothers. And that isn’t only because we’ve learned to cherish life, it’s because you are honestly one of the best mothers I’ve seen; in spite of loss. Thank you for giving me a positive example and thank you for making me try harder everyday to turn a no into a yes on a daily basis.

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