i will stand

I am a walking contradiction.

I wake up exhausted. .. yet I struggle to find sleep.

I am somehow simultaneously full beyond capacity and horribly empty.

and..

and the cruelest contradiction ..

I am mom to 5. but only 4 that I can touch.

I just want to know her still. Who she would be. See her outgrow clothes.. Know what her talents would be. .. What her current favorite popsicle flavor would be. I am forever her mom.. but she is forever 6 … and its just not the same. It just doesn’t add up or work. And right now that contradiction is just overwhelming.

1-64

I am beyond broken right now..  I feel so destroyed. I just hurt.  The sheer power and force of these emotions in surprising. I cannot believe how hard this still is ..

Not always.. That’s improved. But when it hits, and holy hell is it hitting,  I am all the way back to the bottom.. to my own personal ground zero. .

but its different now. Its heavier. Its harder to stand up..

fuck. I have so many years left in this life of mine that I need to stand up.. how can I? How can I do this when time makes the load heavier … when I seem to be getting weaker.

Grieving 2.5 years later .. Its like standing at the lake and screaming.. and you hear the echo come back.. But the echo is somehow louder than the initial yell. .

I was so busy for the last 2 months.. . Now it hits me. Now I can’t run anymore. Now I fall. Now I cry. and I hurt.

I am scared. I am tired. ..I just want to grieve my daughter… I want to lay down and not get back up.

I am mom to 4 children who need me.. so I will stand. Today. And tomorrow too. I will stand.

but right now. right now I don’t want to. ..

i miss you..

right now

i just miss you.

1-68

…until there is a cure..

 

12 Responses to “i will stand”

  1. dang it. she should be here. hang in there kiddo. i don’t know how moms do it. everyday life is hard. this… this is just not fair and must be unbelievably painful. love to you.

  2. I am so very sorry Libby. Jennifer should be here. I attended the Mama’s Night Out last month in Livermore. I saw you there. I was only a few feet away from you. You had Bridgette with you. She is beautiful. I wanted to go up to you and talk to you. But I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I want to thank you for sharing Jennifer with me. With all of us. I am truly changed. She will be forever in my heart. I also attended the Mama’s Night Out in an Jose last year. I will attend as many Mamas Nights Out as I can to support a Unravel. Do as much as I can. Thank you Libby ❤️

  3. October 22nd was the one year anniversary of my sweet Maddie passing from dipg. Her last 72hrs constantly plays on a loop in my mind, Some days I miss her so much I feel like I can’t breathe. It all feels like it happened yesterday. Some times I can’t find a reason to get up. But then I hear Maddie’s voice telling me “Don’t be sad”. She worried constantly
    about me being sad.

    You either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear it down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you. Josh Shipp

    I’m trying Maddie, I’m trying. . .

  4. So much love to you from a mom in NY. My best friends name is Jennifer and after hearing your story I think of your Jennifer too when I say her name. Reading your story has made me a better mom and I will be forever grateful to you and to Jennifer for it. May you find some comfort in knowing you are much loved and thought of. Take care.

  5. When I read your words, it makes me to squeeze my own little Girl in a deep hug and and Kiss her away When I am at work or not with Her. But I know I can still do it, when I come Home. But a little bit of ache, of missing her, in that moment is still there. And when I think of you, that you can not hold or touch your Girl, gives me a real deep Hearache. I hurt for you. I am so sorry for all you and your Family goes through. I am sorry, that this world has faild your doughter and too many others… That there is still no cure…I cry for your Jennifer. And I want to cry for you and most of all, cry with you .

  6. You’re doing great, Libby. You lost your baby, that pain is something you are learning to live with. Sending you lots of love.

  7. My daughter Layla was fluttered this year and I donated on the website for her and Jennifer. She survived Neuroblastoma before age 2 thanks to an early detection from something unrelated. I’ve seen so many others who did not have this outcome. Sometimes I feel guilty for being so lucky. I do everything I can to spread awareness for those who were not. During Layla’s journey we tried to do as much as we could to help others. She donated bone marrow during procedures and her tumor went to science too. Jennifer, her story, and your words are so powerful. Layla and I plan on purchasing a fluttering kit next year for September and try to participate in as many fundraisers as we can to help more children and families facing pediatric cancer. Thanks for sharing…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *