I am a walking contradiction.
I wake up exhausted. .. yet I struggle to find sleep.
I am somehow simultaneously full beyond capacity and horribly empty.
and the cruelest contradiction ..
I am mom to 5. but only 4 that I can touch.
I just want to know her still. Who she would be. See her outgrow clothes.. Know what her talents would be. .. What her current favorite popsicle flavor would be. I am forever her mom.. but she is forever 6 … and its just not the same. It just doesn’t add up or work. And right now that contradiction is just overwhelming.
I am beyond broken right now.. I feel so destroyed. I just hurt. The sheer power and force of these emotions in surprising. I cannot believe how hard this still is ..
Not always.. That’s improved. But when it hits, and holy hell is it hitting, I am all the way back to the bottom.. to my own personal ground zero. .
but its different now. Its heavier. Its harder to stand up..
fuck. I have so many years left in this life of mine that I need to stand up.. how can I? How can I do this when time makes the load heavier … when I seem to be getting weaker.
Grieving 2.5 years later .. Its like standing at the lake and screaming.. and you hear the echo come back.. But the echo is somehow louder than the initial yell. .
I was so busy for the last 2 months.. . Now it hits me. Now I can’t run anymore. Now I fall. Now I cry. and I hurt.
I am scared. I am tired. ..I just want to grieve my daughter… I want to lay down and not get back up.
I am mom to 4 children who need me.. so I will stand. Today. And tomorrow too. I will stand.
but right now. right now I don’t want to. ..
i miss you..
i just miss you.
…until there is a cure..