Sometimes we resist what we know.. this blog is really just a continuation of this one..
And sometimes urges and pushes are so strong we cannot ignore them..
I pulled the boys out of school and took them on a mommy and boys date to the movies. Coco. None of us had seen it… it was only in one theatre 40 mins away.. But I had this strong urge.. we were meant to go.
The 3 of us had the entire place to ourselves.
It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be.. Until the final scene.. when my deepest hope for what its like for me and Jennifer now was on screen.
The movie ended and we left the theatre and went on the hunt for something to eat at the mall.. We talked as we walked .. in the best boy talking way.. moving and not looking at each other..
what did you guys think? .. do you agree with movie? … did it scare you??
Looking back now I realize it was mostly Nicholas talking.. Bubbling over with opinions.. with his beliefs. Jonathan listened. .. holding my hand staring straight ahead.. He just listened.
sissy we need you.. coach me through this.. please.. we need you..
It all came down to one major hurdle for us. (spoiler) in the movie when people get forgotten here it can impact them there.. And the question was posed do you think thats true?
Instead of answering I asked a question back..
I asked if they thought Jennifer was growing up in heaven or stayed 6. We all had different answers… and none of us know if we are right. So we talked about how if we created a movie they would all have our opinions in them…And it would be ok to listen and watch … but retain our own belief. That seemed to really settle well with my boys.
But deep down it scared me. It hit a fear I struggle with… especially lately… Does she feel forgotten? Am I hurting her by running so hard and so fast from my own grief?
And then for no reason I stopped. Right in front of the Disney store and thought about going in.. But didn’t. We kept walking.. and again .. for no good reason .. just a urging I turned us back and we walked in.
Nicholas ended up finding something he wanted to buy.. (own money … yes Im that mom) We got in line and the cashier looked up .. and asked how she knew me. I went quiet.. I wanted to say Unravel.. I wanted to ask if she had been fluttered.. But 40 minutes away from home.. Nearly 4 years after Jennifer died.. No way. So I stumbled for words.. To guess how she might know me…
.. but she remembered.
“I know..” she said as her eyes widened and her hand flew to her mouth..
And then I knew too. As I saw the tears brew in her eyes.. As I heard the song from Coco start in the background of the store..I knew so much more than I wanted to in that moment.
“I was working. And a little girl.. I can’t remember her name came here and shopped for an entire costume in February. I asked if she was going to a birthday party.. Her mom told me about Jennifer.. . A costume for her funeral. I have 2 sons. I read. I read every word. I’m sorry.”
I can’t describe how it felt. How incredibly surreal that moment was for me. .. Like realizations.. understanding of so much came swirling around me..
in the middle of the mall… for a moment sissy miss it was just me and you..
The woman apologized .. and I tried to thank her.. Tried to explain how important the gift she gave me was.. But I’m not sure I could..
I was simply awash in the depths of this world.. and whatever it is that comes next. I was unable to believe this was happening.
And as we turned to leave I saw the words BRAVE emblazoned on a bag.
In the start of all of this .. I wanted her to be brave.. but she needed me to be brave. ..
To grieve is brave.. To feel joy is brave..
To write and share is my brave and I am ready to be brave again.
Because there is a middle ground.
It doesn’t have to be all one or the other.
I can allow myself grief and joy. Truth is I don’t think I can have one without the other.. So I have mostly just been numb. Too scared to write.. too scared to share. Too frozen to feel ..
oh buggers i love you
And I am hurting.. hurting like hell.. I know I am on the edge of a mighty cliff.. The drop made steeper and sharper because of how hard I have avoided simply turning around and acknowledging its existence.
But I also know if I allow myself to fall .. I know that I will fall.. I will scream and I will hurt.. But I also know will feel her in the wind as I fall .. I know I will hear her laughter again on the edges of my own..I know it because I have been through it before.. and likely will again..
.. I will find my way back to her.. and back to myself…
thank you jennifer lynn
for being so worth it..
..until there is a cure..