find me again..

Sometimes we resist what we know.. this blog is really just a continuation of this one..

And sometimes urges and pushes are so strong we cannot ignore them..

I pulled the boys out of school and took them on a mommy and boys date to the movies. Coco. None of us had seen it… it was only in one theatre 40 mins away.. But I had this strong urge.. we were meant to go.

The 3 of us had the entire place to ourselves.

It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be.. Until the final scene.. when my deepest hope for what its like for me and Jennifer now was on screen.

The movie ended and we left the theatre and went on the hunt for something to eat at the mall.. We talked as we walked .. in the best boy talking way.. moving and not looking at each other..

what did you guys think? .. do you agree with movie? … did it scare you??

Looking back now I realize it was mostly Nicholas talking.. Bubbling over with opinions.. with his beliefs. Jonathan listened. .. holding my hand staring straight ahead.. He just listened.

He lost his best friend.. His mentor.. His protector.. I have no idea how to parent him through this..

sissy we need you.. coach me through this.. please.. we need you..

It all came down to one major hurdle for us. (spoiler) in the movie when people get forgotten here it can impact them there.. And the question was posed do you think thats true?

Instead of answering I asked a question back..

I asked if they thought Jennifer was growing up in heaven or stayed 6. We all had different answers… and none of us know if we are right. So we talked about how if we created a movie they would all have our opinions in them…And it would be ok to listen and watch … but retain our own belief. That seemed to really settle well with my boys.

But deep down it scared me. It hit a fear I struggle with… especially lately… Does she feel forgotten? Am I hurting her by running so hard and so fast from my own grief?

And then for no reason I stopped. Right in front of the Disney store and thought about going in.. But didn’t. We kept walking.. and again .. for no good reason .. just a urging I turned us back and we walked in.

Nicholas ended up finding something he wanted to buy.. (own money … yes Im that mom) We got in line and the cashier looked up .. and asked how she knew me. I went quiet.. I wanted to say Unravel.. I wanted to ask if she had been fluttered.. But 40 minutes away from home.. Nearly 4 years after Jennifer died.. No way. So I stumbled for words.. To guess how she might know me…

.. but she remembered.

“I know..” she said as her eyes widened and her hand flew to her mouth..

And then I knew too. As I saw the tears brew in her eyes.. As I heard the song from Coco start in the background of the store..I knew so much more than I wanted to in that moment.

“I was working. And a little girl.. I can’t remember her name came here and shopped for an entire costume in February. I asked if she was going to a birthday party.. Her mom told me about Jennifer.. . A costume for her funeral. I have 2 sons. I read. I read every word. I’m sorry.”

I can’t describe how it felt. How incredibly surreal that moment was for me. .. Like realizations.. understanding of so much came swirling around me..

in the middle of the mall… for a moment sissy miss it was just me and you..

The woman apologized .. and I tried to thank her.. Tried to explain how important the gift she gave me was.. But I’m not sure I could..

I was simply awash in the depths of this world.. and whatever it is that comes next. I was unable to believe this was happening.

And as we turned to leave I saw the words BRAVE emblazoned on a bag.

In the start of all of this .. I wanted her to be brave.. but she needed me to be brave. ..

 

To grieve is brave.. To feel joy is brave..

To write and share is my brave and I am ready to be brave again.

Because there is a middle ground.
It doesn’t have to be all one or the other.
I can allow myself grief and joy. Truth is I don’t think I can have one without the other.. So I have mostly just been numb. Too scared to write.. too scared to share. Too frozen to feel ..

oh buggers i love you

And I am hurting.. hurting like hell.. I know I am on the edge of a mighty cliff.. The drop made steeper and sharper because of how hard I have avoided simply turning around and acknowledging its existence.

like this picture.. looking at it ripped me apart.. Those press on nails .. I took that picture to show the friend who go them for her.. A friend who feels like she is across a valley from me.. Because her little girl.. so much younger than Jennifer in my mind.. Now in truth has surpassed her.. And so I run and I hide.. And I hate myself for it.

But I also know if I allow myself to fall .. I know that I will fall.. I will scream and I will hurt.. But I also know will feel her in the wind as I fall .. I know I will hear her laughter again on the edges of my own..I know it because I have been through it before.. and likely will again..

.. I will find my way back to her.. and back to myself…

thank you jennifer lynn

for being so worth it..

..until there is a cure..

10 Responses to “find me again..”

  1. Love you Kranz fam! Praying you through the good, the bad and the ugly. We remember Jennifer, we say her name. Thinking of you all as the 12th comes. Ready or not, here it comes. Here if you need anything. Lots of love from all of us.

  2. Oh Libby, I never know what to say, but I’m glad you’re still writing. I’m still reading, and Jennifer is remembered. I will keep reading, and remembering and sending love. Jonathan is looking so grown up.

  3. Jennifer is always remembered and is in my thoughts. Your family is so strong and amazing and I am in awe of your ability to be such an amazing mom through all of this.

  4. I’m glad your back. I know this blog is cathartic for you so when months pass between posts I worry about how you are doing. These children that you hide from because they were Jennifer’s friends and now have surpassed her…..I can’t help but wonder what might happen for you if you ran towards them instead of ran away from them. I know you struggle for memories of Jennifer, you have written about it before and I gave you a bunch of ideas about using photographs. People can be used as memory tools in the same way. I wonder what it would be like if you spent some time with the kids Jennifer used to play with, and even if they did not have a memory to share, if being in their presence would jog some of your own memories that you could then go home and write about.

    I just have a feeling that in those children’s smiles and laughter, you would likely find glimmers of your beautiful JLK. Pieces of her are in so many adults and children around you, and I think you might benefit from being around them. Not all at once, not in an overwhelming way, but maybe a visit or two with the kids she was closest to. I’m sure their parents would love to see you and catch up.

    I’m not saying it won’t hurt at the same time or end in tears, but as you are learning, there is no joy without misery, no happiness without sadness and no sunshine without rain.

    Keep writing, Libby. If not for yourself, for the parents or aunties or family friends who are supporting a family through a similar situation and up on the internet late at night searching for understanding, answers and someone else’s journey. You are helping more people than you realize by sharing.

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