a thousand years

Do you know I still haven’t dreamt of her. Not the real her. I’m ashamed to admit that .Its only been the anguished her that has found me in the dark of the night. The little girl that died in my arms. I have dreamt of her. The horror that she somehow survived day after day.. That pain filled girl comes to me.

..but its not her. please please please i need that not to be her.

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But I know.. I know somehow she is trying to get to me. Trying to get to me. To reach me.

My 6 year old is trying to get to me and she can’t. And I am so scared its my fault. That I am letting her down all over again.

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Her beauty was never stolen.. it always always shone through.I hope through my words it always will.

I’m sorry jennifer. I’m so sorry

I know this is the key. This is they way I will be able to finally reach her.. not that I even understand what that means. But I know. By these hours I take to write these words..The ones that I can’t even see as I type because the tears are too constant. I know this is the path I have to take to get to her..

But I’m scared of it. To allow myself these moments to succumb .. to not be busy fighting the horribly backwards system that allowed her to be stolen from me. To not be moving. going. ..

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*********************these lyrics are filling the room and me********************

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

ok.. sissy.. ok I am listening.. I am trying. to believe . to remember.. All the messages within this song..  I’m trying jennifer. i swear to God i am trying.. and i love you too. i know you are here.. i know .. i know .. i know.. I’m just so scared. and i want more. i want all of you. oh. oh my God is that it? is that the block baby? i need to accept this new you? 

i can’t

i can’t

i can’t.

I’m sorry i just can’t.

Not yet my love.

not yet.

i just can’t..

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..until there is a cure..

15 Responses to “a thousand years”

  1. Libby, Words cannot express my sorrow for the loss of your precious Jennifer. Life feels so unfair that you are living in so much pain. Jennifer is your Angel in Heaven and you are our Angel on earth. You are an amazing, dedicated Mother to your five beautiful children. Jennifer knows how much you love her. I pray that she sends you a sign or visits you in a dream. God Bless and thank you for making a difference with your words and actions. I am so sorry you had to experience a broken heart In helping make a difference for others. For Jennifer … until there is a cure …

  2. I have never left a comment before. I am sure there are many out ther like me, that have read every word, looked at every picture from the beginning. I just want you to know that I care so much. You and Jennifer have touched my life in ways I can’t explain. I am also thankful that my eyes have been opened, & I promise to do something, make a choice, or just listen when I can. I have always just hoped that your blog helps you through! I believe it does. My thoughts are with your family.

  3. I wish I could take your pain away and the pain of all those beautiful little souls that are currently suffering. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to protect our babies. When is the government going to listen? When it happens to them, maybe?
    Your Jennifer was so beautiful and continues to be in Heaven. I hope she comes to you in your dreams soon. Lots of love to you and your family x

  4. I haven’t even begun to read this blog yet, but just went to click on it to read it and immediately “Thousands Years” just started playing over our home audio system through Pandora. She is speaking to me again and spreading her glitter! We all know she has already used her God given super secret talent to get through to me already once (the ring)! I am using this as a sign from her again… not sure what exactly it means yet or what to do… but I indeed will keep my heart open to what it means! CHILLS!!!

    Love and hugs,

    xoxo

    Karen Zoucha

  5. Still reading, still sending love to you. Jennifer is with you, she knows you’re trying to reach her. Your bond is too strong to ever be broken.

  6. I don’t even know if this makes sense… just read your blog now…

    remember her soul (our souls) IS all of us… that is the core that was there from the beginning and remains forever. Try to embrace her SOUL and let it connect deep to your SOUL… you know the phrase “soul searching”. Possibly once you allow yourself to “see” her through to her soul (the rest will never be gone from your mind, you have photos) possibly this could help “bring her to you”. This is the “new” her, but not really because it was always her. It is just so difficult for us to wrap our brains around here on this earth because we have yet to see what God has in store for us after this life, but we do know that our soul remains. Try to focus to her SOUL, I never met Jennifer, but even I myself truly feel like I can see her “soul”… do you know how!?! Through your words… everything you write here… from the beginning of it all… it is all describing her innermost BEAUTIFUL soul, her own unique, special, one of a kind beautiful SOUL… that is still to THIS DAY living on and it FOREVER will! Maybe you do this already, but take sometime before you write, stop while you are writing, and after you have written to pause, reflect, and meditate on what is coming through you at that moment. Close you eyes, sit quietly, cry, scream, but allow yourself time to reflect and meditate. I believe this is the times God and Jennifer will come through to you and possibly give you a vision. Be open to whatever that may be. Even though I know it is SO hard, try to in those moments to not focus on what was, but what is… she IS beautiful, she IS special, she IS unique, she IS caring and kind hearted, she IS quirky and silly, she IS funny, she IS amazing, she IS bright, she IS overwhelmingly lovable and loved by every SOUL that she has touched and she IS mysterious… loves to blind side you, surprise you, keep secrets from you, keep you guessing! :o) Your words are written for a reason… her SOUL lives on through your words! Your words have given us all the chance to feel her SOUL and I pray that each and every person who has read your words chooses to continue to spread and share her SOUL!

    Love,
    Karen Zoucha

  7. Still here. Still listening. Still reading. Still fighting. Always. We love you Jennifer always and forever. ♡♡♡♡♡♡ We love you Kranz family ♡

  8. Absolutely heartbreaking post- so many prayers and thoughts sent your way this week💗 Continuing to spread Jennifer’s glitter- LOVE4JLK always💗🍉

  9. no, that pain filled girl is not her. that girl is your worst fear manifesting in your dreams and your mind. she is now healed and free from the suffering she experienced.

    you did not fail her. you did not let her down. you did nothing wrong. you have nothing to beat yourself up over.

    you loved her, you stayed with her, you comforted her when she needed you most. you did everything that could be humanly done for your beautiful Jennifer. you have to try and believe that and let yourself off of the hook.

    of course you will always wish you could have done more, but it was impossible. there was nothing more to do. feeling helpless and powerless was traumatic for you. understandable. but Libby, when is it time to stop beating yourself up? it won’t bring her back. it won’t prevent cancer in another child. it will continue to hurt you and make you feel horrible. there is not one person who thinks you could have done more or questions your actions during that unspeakably difficult time.

    Jennifer loved you so much, that is obvious from your blog and the photos and videos you have shared. she wants your heart to heal. She will ALWAYS be with you. sometimes we cannot see them or feel like we cannot find them after they have died, but they are always there right next to us. she is always there.

    i am so sorry you are suffering. none of this is fair. please go easy on yourself. you deserve compassion, empathy, understanding, love and to be set free of this inner turmoil you are experiencing.

  10. I don’t understand why our minds create blocks for our loved ones. I dream of my beloved mom sometimes…but not the “real” her, the one I knew my entire life…only the “dying” version of her. I hate it. But I love it, and I’m horrified to lose it, because it is still her, and still better than nothing at all. I’m sure you are the same way with your dreams of Jennifer.

    I’m so sorry you are living this nightmare. My grief over my mom is so strong, so overpowering, even 2.5 years later. I know the grief you carry for your daughter must be a billion times worse. I’m not just sorry, I’m also staying active…but I am still so incredibly sorry, although that doesn’t help you in any way. Well, I guess not entirely true, because it’s my intense “sorry” that is driving me to support Unravel and the pediatric cancer cause.

    I hope and pray so much that you are able to find a way to connect with JLK. I’m sure Heaven is a difficult barrier to breach for our loved ones. I get messages from my mom…messages I know are from her. Mostly songs, numbers on a clock, and physical objects. Her name was Mary, and my dad was hiking in the middle of nowhere and found a beautiful bracelet with her name on it. He gave it to me. Much like Jennifer’s ring finding its way back to you. Oh how I wish we could openly communicate with Heaven.

    Sending so much love to you.

  11. It’s strange the way the mind works and “protects” us – or doesn’t. When my grandddad died- and he and I were very close- I dreamt of him often. He even brought our very beloved dog (she died a few months before he did) in my dreams. It was SO real, and I felt they were both at peace. When my mother died- and she and I were inseparable and had been my entire life- she was a part of me- I didn’t dream of her at all for months and when they started they were only horrible, awful dreams watching her die all over again. It’s been almost 10 years and I still haven’t had a good, “normal” dream. Once in a while, recently, the dreams will start “better” but they always end with her death or knowing it’s imminent. I don’t understand the discrepancy.

  12. Whenever my mum would come to me in a dream she always had cancer. It was never the her before cancer. The first time she came to me in a dream and she didn’t have cancer was when I was pregnant with Olive. It was 9 years after she died and having my own daughter growing inside me had healed something for me. She still is sick in my dreams sometimes but not always anymore. And she still only comes into my dreams occasionally.
    It is okay for you to still be broken. It is your grief. Jennifer isn’t broken anymore. She is whole and her soul is in the heart of every person whose life she has touched through your words and her presence. Lots of love always, always here.

  13. my heart breaks for you every time I read your words. the love you all hold for JLK is beyond words. I pray for you and other families like yours daily. I stop and think of that brown eyed girl whenever I hear your song. the prayers are always the same, comfort and rest for you all.

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