It’s coming. I can feel. Even if I didn’t know it. Even if I didn’t remember it I can feel it.
physical .. unrelenting.. grief..
A heaviness in my chest. A strain on my back. Ears always ringing.. just a bit. Heart beating faster and harder. Eyes stinging.. always on the verge of emptying.
Another year. ..
because life keeps happening.
Why couldn’t I save her? Why couldn’t I relieve her pain? Stop her suffering?
did i at all baby? was it ever not excruciating?
This year is so different though. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. What made sense for all of us and I was able to make it happen. There was freedom in that. Freedom. Strength. Comfort in having a plan that felt right
But not this year. This year its all up in the air. And nothing not a damned thing feels right.
..because life just needs to keep happening..
Tony will be gone for a work trip all next week. He comes back on the 12th.. So I can’t escape to the beach with him…And thats the thing thats calling me.. that I am longing for. All day walking along the ocean with her Daddy. The only person who can taste my sorrow. The only person who can carry its weight and comfort me by allowing me to carry his too.
But see.. we grieve the same little girl with the biggest brown eyes so differently. Because I think he needs the escape. From me. From us. From this. The lead up to the 12th.. its like a train getting louder and more powerful everyday.. sometimes it feels like every minute.. For him its the aftermath of these dates thats heavier..
.. but work..
We have to be
normal functioning adults and he has things he can’t miss at work the week after either…
So what’s the right thing to do? Do I go to the beach with all the kids? Pull Jonathan out of school? Do I go with just the baby and send them to my brother who has offered to take them and keep his kids out of school too?
I have been debating talking to them about it.. Telling them the anniversary is coming.. Unsure whats right. We talk to others.. we talk to professionals. But in the end, like they often do, they teach us. They lead me.
They already know. They just don’t know what they know. They have both brought her up.. Just simple needs for a hug at a random moment because they miss sissy. .. and don’t know why it was hitting in that moment. We are all heavy.. and needing more sleep then usual.. And we are all up often throughout the night.
we miss you.
I know people will read this and doubt me. Doubt how a boy that was just 2 or just 4 when she died can miss her so much. And thats ok. You are allowed to and I hope for your sake you are given the gift of always being able to doubt me.. Because parents that share my path… they know. We don’t understand it .. but we know it. We struggle with our constant guilt of trying to be sure we don’t imprint our ache on them.. And allowing them to miss her or not.
But the truth is. We all do. And we all will. In our very own ways.
And I know one day the girl that turned 9 months on the day her sister moved to heaven.. and the girl that was gift from heaven, our Bridgette Avari.. they will grieve her too.. I don’t get it. It scares the hell out of me. But I know it. And I will just have to deal with it the best I can then.
All of these hearts to balance. This year I only need to worry about all my boys.. and my own. But I don’t know how. I really don’t know how.
help me baby girl.
please help me
do the un-right.
..until there is a cure..