Today it starts I guess.. flashes.
Of her final weeks.
I feel like I am suddenly on the verge. Scared I am about to topple off.. Because I know its not a matter of it.. simply of when.
But I can’t do this right now. I leave tomorrow for Seattle to give the amazing Dr Olsen a check from Unravel. Jonathan is missing school and coming with me. I need to not be a shell. .. So I hope by diving in.. and sweeping out the cobwebs of my mind.. maybe I can be more ..
Because today was sudden. ..
horrible and beautiful.
Walking down the hallway past what was Jennifer’s room.. now holding a sleeping baby that never got to meet her biggest sister.
a flash that stops me.. Solid. I try to grasp and savor it. The weight of her.. How tiny she was. The feel of her bony body in my arms .. the way her long fingers felt interlaced with mine. .. But especially this moment of my body remembering the feeling of her wrist.
Simple. But it was her. I was connecting to her again. Her wrist. Her veins showed through.. but there was a solid warmth to it. ..
The wasn’t the one that kicked me off down this slippery slope.. The first of the day was a blanket .. the one she laid under in her bed.. I chose it because I knew what happens when a persons spirit leaves there body.. And bedding can be ruined. So I wanted something that I wouldn’t be overly sad to lose. I caught a glimpse in the hall closet… just a corner of it.
flash.. bright and brilliant .. and horrific. A moment I didn’t even see but that is painted in my minds eye. This flash blinded me.
The man that we didn’t know. The one that carried my lifeless daughter to the car. To drive her to the hospital to finally take those fucking tumors out of her. .. So we could give her in death what we couldn’t in life.. Freedom from cancer. And so she could keep fighting.. so she could be part of the cure. ..
2 years ago. We got the call. The one that broke me in a way I didn’t know I could break but still stand. Fall apart but stay whole.
“The tumor on her pons shrunk.. but the cancer has progressed. Its in her frontal lobe and down her spine. Its time. For Tony to take off of work. I’m sorry”
I remember going outside and calling my sister. I remember wanting to run.. until my lungs burned … and scream until I was turned inside out.
I went inside. We had friends over. I don’t know how any of us made it through that.. I just looked at them and shook my head no. They knew.
The thing none of us wanted to know..
but you.. sissy you knew huh.. you already knew..
You never ate again. It stole you slowly and fiercely… piece by piece.
I can remember it all so vividly inside my body but I can’t recount it accurately .. Its like these weeks became part of me. As important as breathing but as impossible to explain.
Its something that overtakes more than me actually remembering any of it. But why? Its not fair. I don’t want these memories to be the most vivid I have of my daughter.
I want to remember how she felt in my arms with weight to her.. And joy coursing through her veins.. not morphine.
flash. flash. flash. I can’t turn it off.
im so sorry
no no no no no no no no no
..until there is a cure..