I love pictures..I have always tried to take a lot of the kids. Its a struggle now.. Because there is always a piece missing. And I notice it when I look through the lens of my camera.
Always when a new family member joins us we take pro pictures. I don’t know that I can this time. How can we ever do it again?
I will never ever have a family picture.
One of my friends mentioned the other day how happy her grandma was to get a picture with her whole family at a cousins graduation.. I will never have that. A seemingly insignificant loss in the grand scheme of life.. but it hurts.. a lot.
It feels like a cruel form of torture. It really hit me recently.. with the creation of this new life growing we lost the few family pictures we had. .
We thought about part of it, how would this child feel to never have a picture with their sister? We discussed it a lot in our decision to open ourselves us to another child.. We talked again after my miscarriage, if maybe we weren’t meant to have another child.. And the worry for the impact our child not having a picture with Jennifer weighed heavily yet again.. In the end though we opened up to it and set a time frame and if it didn’t happen by then, we would stop.
But somehow I never realized it was even more than that. That I would never have a complete picture. The beginning of our family and the end of our family .. I will never be privy to their meeting.
I am not ready to be done begin pregnant. Because I truly enjoy it.. And because I feel like its our little connection. I don’t understand it.. but I believe our first and fifth children know and enjoy each other right now. And I feel like in someway because the baby is only really mine I am part of their little relationship. . I am not ready to give that up.
.. I truly feel like the birth of this baby will be the most present I am with Jennifer again since she died. Like it will open up a gateway somehow for me to deeply connect with her again. I feel like the birth of this baby will be me and Jennifer’s moment. .. I hope Tony will be able to feel it as well.
This little one has a lot of pressure already.. because I think they will help us all. A new life breathed into all of us.. A breath that I imagine will always carry a slight tinge of watermelon.
thank you baby girl
for allowing us to be your parents.
and helping us find
our dandelion wish.
..until there is a cure. ..