family pictures

I love pictures..I have always tried to take a lot of the kids. Its a struggle now.. Because there is always a piece missing. And I notice it when I look through the lens of my camera.

Always when a new family member joins us we take pro pictures. I don’t know that I can this time. How can we ever do it again?

I will never ever have a family picture.

goofy faces.. her 6th birthday.. the day we learned she would likely not see 7..
goofy faces.. her 6th birthday.. the day we learned she would likely not see 7..

One of my friends mentioned the other day how happy her grandma was to get a picture with her whole family at a cousins graduation.. I will never have that. A seemingly insignificant loss in the grand scheme of life.. but it hurts.. a lot.

It feels like a cruel form of torture. It really hit me recently.. with the creation of this new life growing we lost the few family pictures we had. .

We thought about part of it, how would this child feel to never have a picture with their sister? We discussed it a lot in our decision to open ourselves us to another child.. We talked again after my miscarriage,  if maybe we weren’t meant to have another child.. And the worry for the impact our child not having a picture with Jennifer weighed heavily yet again.. In the end though we opened up to it and set a time frame and if it didn’t happen by then, we would stop.

I had this idea to take a picture with all of the feet we will raise in our hands. .. I can't believe I am done raising one already
I had this idea to take a picture with all of the feet we will raise in our hands. .. I can’t believe I am done raising one already

But somehow I never realized it was even more than that. That I would never have a complete picture. The beginning of our family and the end of our family .. I will never be privy to their meeting.

I am not ready to be done begin pregnant. Because I truly enjoy it.. And because I feel like its our little connection. I don’t understand it.. but I believe our first and fifth children know and enjoy each other right now. And I feel like in someway because the baby is only really mine I am part of their little relationship. . I am not ready to give that up.

.. I truly feel like the birth of this baby will be the most present I am with Jennifer again since she died. Like it will open up a gateway somehow for me to deeply connect with her again. I feel like the birth of this baby will be me and Jennifer’s moment. .. I hope Tony will be able to feel it as well.

This little one has a lot of pressure already.. because I think they will help us all. A new life breathed into all of us.. A breath that I imagine will always carry a slight tinge of watermelon.

thank you baby girl

for allowing us to be your parents.

and helping us find

our dandelion wish.

family pics4..until there is a cure. ..

11 Responses to “family pictures”

  1. I can attempt to imagine how you feel but I know that the gut-wrenching feeling I can reach most likely is hardly the tip of the iceberg for you. I’m so sorry.

    I wanted to share two things with you:
    1. EVERY time I hear Brave I get goosebumps as I recall the concert you attended and the video you have of Jennifer dancing there next to you, with you. That momemt was her glitter coming to life right there for you (and in turn all of us) to see. Beautiful!
    2. Once when my niece was still very young but old enough to talk pretty clearly my sister overheard her talking to my nephew (her younger brother) in the backseat of the car. Emma had turned to Reed sitting next to her and said, “Reed, do you remember before we were born? Do you remember when we were in Heaven waiting to come to Mom and Dad and we would play all day long on that big playground? That was fun.” They are older now and of course she doesn’t remember saying that. But this concept wasn’t something that my family discusses or my sister had even considered before overhearing this. I bet Jennifer is teaching your growing baby ‘the ropes’ and they are having a ball together. I wouldn’t be surprised one bit.

  2. I dont think its an insignificant loss. Photos are our memories, snapshots of our lives. Maybe its a first world problem but sometimes we forget things that photos help us remember. Over time its easy for our memories to get foggy around the edges but photos help clear them again. Your family photos will be the pictures your children line their story of life with. I see the importance of them; and I hope you are able to do more when your dandelion baby comes.

  3. What if in a more formal family picture, someone holds a picture of Jennifer, or a special item, or wears an article of her clothing? That way, there is a tangible representation of her. Obviously she is always there in your hearts and minds, but if you wanted something visible.

  4. I don’t know how you’ll find the strength (although you always seem too and I have no doubt you will this time as well), but I think that you’ll see that connection to Jennifer in your new family pictures with this new little one. It won’t be good enough, how could it, but the connection that baby has with Jennifer will be so fresh and recent and that is worth documenting. You are amazing!

  5. Just after Jennifer died, I had to stop reading your blog because otherwise, my days were filled with tears for you. I prayed for you, though, and never forgot Jennifer. I stopped in today to see how you are doing and it fills me with joy to find you are having another baby! Congratulations!! I know this is a bittersweet time for you but wow, you are one amazing mother. Hugs to you, always.

  6. Another beautiful post. What an amazing connection you have with your sweet Jennifer. Prayers for all of you daily and I am sure the birth will be absolutely amazing….LOVE4JLK always

  7. This post touches me. They all do. My sister died from a brain tumor when she was 6, I was 4 and my little sister was 2. My mother was pregnant when she died. My brother never got to be in a picture with our big sister. We are all adults now and he talks all the time about his connection to her. He truly feels her and has his own bond with her that is very special. I’m sure your new baby will always feel they know Jennifer. They’ve already met 🙂

  8. My son died when I was 6 months pregnant with him. I had two daughters after losing him. They both had an “angel’s kiss” on their eyelids when they were born. My daughter who I had before losing him did not have this. I know it was because he blessed his little sisters, kissed them and sent them on their way to me. You will know it too that your new little one has been blessed by Jennifer.

  9. I so fiercely and fervently hope that the new baby will indeed open up a gateway for you and Jennifer to connect again. What a wonderful way to think about it. Childbirth is a bridge and a connection, a mysterious and sacred time. She may orchestrate things that day from where she is, with love and excitement and pride.

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