Tomorrow is my birthday. I have never been a big birthday person. Always feels like a set up to get your feelings hurt.
Now I really hate it.
I made videos for everybody else.. Jennifer singing them all happy birthday… I wanted her to do it for me too.. but she thought it was too silly… not a good surprise if I knew.
I will only have one wish as I blow out every candle for the rest of my life. So I try to quiet my mind and fight the urge to wish for the impossible…
The no. The please not her. The wake me up from this nightmare.
I will never win that fight. I will always want it. My heart and souls longing will always be louder and stronger than me.. they will always swallow up my my minds attempt to silence them.
There will always be a voice missing in the song.. and a blank space on the card.. As they grow there will always be a phone call that doesn’t happen..One less for Tony to remind “its your mothers birthday”.
This is child loss throughout the years.
Then the wistful wondering steps in.. What would she be like? Would she make me go to bed to decorate a birthday chair for me? Would she pick me flowers and tie them up in one of her hairbands?
its all so confusing and mentally exhausting. She would be 7… just finishing up first grade. .. So I try to think of who she would have been.. But she is also just frozen. Forever 6 years and 3 months old. .. just a few weeks into kindergarten.
I wonder as another year passes for me.. What would she have been like at my age? All the things she would have accomplished.. all the things she would have failed. .. Little tiny things I wonder. .Would she let me babysit for her? What would she call Charlotte to make fun of me about?
I feel as time passes I lose her more and more. My mind ties itself up in knots. A jumble of who she was.. the girl I knew and who she might have been.
Everyday I get closer to her again, and … I lose her a little bit more..
Tonight baby.. whisper it to me..
with your watermelon breath..
happy birthday mama..
i know i shouldn’t ask..
..until there is a cure..