happy birthday mama

Tomorrow is my birthday. I have never been a big birthday person. Always feels like a set up to get your feelings hurt.

Now I really hate it.

I made videos for everybody else.. Jennifer singing them all happy birthday… I wanted her to do it for me too.. but she thought it was too silly… not a good surprise if I knew.

I will only have one wish as I blow out every candle for the rest of my life. So I try to quiet my mind and fight the urge to wish for the impossible…

The no. The please not her. The wake me up from this nightmare.

I will never win that fight. I will always want it. My heart and souls longing will always be louder and stronger than me.. they will always swallow up my my minds attempt to silence them.

There will always be a voice missing in the song.. and a blank space on the card.. As they grow there will always be a phone call that doesn’t happen..One less for Tony to remind “its your mothers birthday”.

This is child loss throughout the years.

her last birthday party.. the day we learned she had DIPG
her last birthday party.. the day we learned she had DIPG

Then the wistful wondering steps in.. What would she be like? Would she make me go to bed to decorate a birthday chair for me? Would she pick me flowers and tie them up in one of her hairbands?

its all so confusing and mentally exhausting. She would be 7… just finishing up first grade. .. So I try to think of who she would have been.. But she is also just frozen. Forever 6 years and 3 months old. .. just a few weeks into kindergarten.

I wonder as another year passes for me.. What would she have been like at my age? All the things she would have accomplished.. all the things she would have failed. .. Little tiny things I wonder. .Would she let me babysit for her? What would she call Charlotte to make fun of me about?

I feel as time passes I lose her more and more. My mind ties itself up in knots. A jumble of who she was.. the girl I knew and who she might have been.

Everyday I get closer to her again, and … I lose her a little bit more.. 

Tonight baby.. whisper it to me..

 with your watermelon breath..

happy birthday mama..

i know i shouldn’t ask..

please honey

please

mbday6

..until there is a cure..

18 Responses to “happy birthday mama”

  1. Happy Birthday, Libby. I pray for her to come to you in your dreams and send you special little gifts of signs from heaven tomorrow. Think of you often. Curious what this glass company is doing with the ring? I couldn’t quite figure it out from the link you shared on the unravel Facebook page.

  2. Sending love to you on your birthday. Getting a little closer to her and a little farther away, what an achingly perfect description. Just, lots of hugs. Lots.

  3. a little closer and a little father away… perfect description of your loss. I hope you have moments of joy today. Happy Birthday

  4. Happy Birthday Libby. May she come to you in your dreams and may you feel her presence with you. We love you. We love Jennifer…always. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  5. Happy Birthday! I’m hoping for a dream with Jennifer and a good day. I hope she whispers to you and you can hear it.

  6. Oh Libby… I am a sobbing mess reading this. Wow.. this was a hard post for me. How I wish for you the same wish you’ll wish. Hugs and prayers… May she come to you in special ways on your birthday.

  7. Happy Birthday Libby:)). So many prayers for angel visits today. I’m sure she is shining down and so proud of you:)

  8. I wish for you on your Birthday that you hear the sweet whisper of Happy Birthday Mama from Jennifer, listen for it, it will be there in your heart, remember she is always in your heart. Happy Birthday Libby, Jennifer is forever in my💜 and never forgotten. 🎉🎁🎂

  9. Happy Birthday Libby!!! Wishing you a wonderful day with your family. I know it will always be incomplete because Jennifer is not physically there to celebrate. I bet she is in Heaven telling everyone its your birthday and they will all sing to you with her. Special days once you loose someone you love will never be the same for sure. Next year you will have another baby there and although the hurt is there for Jennifer I know your heart will be happy for that new little person. Jennifer will never be forgotten or replace just always remembered and loved. She was a precious child and very unique in so many ways. He memory will always be so present in your family because of all the love you all have shared. Praying that sweet angel whispers in your ear tonight “Happy Birthday Mama” and makes your birthday complete!!

  10. Happy Birthday Libby! I hope you get the message from Jennifer you want so much. I so wish all your birthday wishes could come true. Tons of hugs and love to you!

  11. Happy Birthday, Libby. I’d give you every birthday wish for the rest of my life if it would bring back Jennifer. Even if only for a split second.

    Sending you lots of love on a day that should be filled with nothing but joy. There are 5 little souls that are grateful for today too.

  12. Happy birthday, Libby. I know you miss your girl. I’m sorry you had to spend the day without her. I pray she found/finds a way to visit you. Hugs.

  13. Your daughter was a strong, bright spirit and her loss radiates out to the world and will do so over the years. I wish she was your birthday wish come true.

  14. Hoping you got those birthday whispers. Sorry, it’s been a few days since I’ve read – as always, sending love to you all.

  15. Sending you lots of love from Sacramento on your birthday. Hoping Jennifer sends you some signs on this day and every day after and that you get those whispers that you long for. We are always thinking of you and your family and will continue to follow your journey and help spread awareness so that we can be active and not just sorry. Love for JLK and you all! Happy birthday, Libby. You are my inspiration.

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