Category: jennifers birthday

dug in and dig out

dig in.. and you will dig out.. I have dug in.. enough to somehow both give me a head ache and release me from the one that has been lingering for weeks. Jennifer loved chocolate cake.. and a ton of icing. She had celiacs disease and ate gluten free.. in a time before most people knew what that was.. I pre-made cupcakes for her and froze them so they were ready for any party. Icing on the other hand could be trickier.. We found a solution though.. We would melt a ton of chocolate chips and pour it on the cupcake and let it harden into a massive chunk of chocolate on the top. And she loved that.. She loved having a giant piece of chocolate to gnaw on and get all over her face.. I don’t know what it looks like where she is.. I don’t even know what[…]

10th birthday

10. she should be 10. Double digits. what a big deal. Except she isn’t here.. This is the time of year when I can really remember her.. When I have moments.. days even I can remember so vividly.. Hauntingly vividly.. When she was sick.. when she was dying.. But not her 6th birthday.. There are so many holes in that day.. So I ask about it. I ask to hear the same stories .. Where were you? Who told you? What did you think? .. I guess thats really all I ever want.. To hear your stories. . over and over again. . She should be 10.. but she is forever 6. .. And all we have is stories and memories.. My brain stumbles often.. So if you have 1 or 50 stories of her.. If they take you an hour or a minute to tell.. please . .. please[…]

reality bites

I had this false perspective of reality.. I thought it was a simple thing.. As it turns out it is anything but.. We can’t change our reality .. but we certainly can deny it. This still feels unreal.. Like it can’t really have happened.. My daughter can’t have died.. I think I am learning .. that it’s not so much that we get stronger in child loss or that the pain dulls but that we simply get better at denying it.. As horrible as it is to admit I think that’s how we learn to survive. . We are able to convince ourselves it wasn’t real.. that our child wasn’t really here.. So they can’t possibly really be gone.  so when it hits.. it is sharp and it is biting. It can completely steal my breath and knock me out at my knees.. crippling. Right now I am hurting.. I[…]

glittery birthday girl

I was never a fancy birthday mom.. Never did party favors or pinterest themed decorations. .. So its only natural that I agreed to having Unravel throw an entire gala on what should be her 10th birthday!! A party in her honor to rage against the beast that ripped her unwillingly and with a slow precision from our arms. So I might as well admit it.. I am scared.. That date. October 28th. It’s held such power over me for almost 10 years.  .. the date I became a mom.. The date I looked forward to for 6 years.. To celebrate the little girl that changed everything.. husband and wife.. turned forever.. mommy and daddy. . In one moment.. in one breath she did that.. And 6 years after those first exhilarating moments .. years of promise were stolen in a string of words and letters.. Cancer.. DIPG.. There is[…]

Should

Should .. She should be here. . she should be alive.. That word carries a lot of weight with me right now. They cover me.. and they snuff out the light.. The should’s are dark and consuming. The should nots are heavy and constricting, they are what I don’t want to admit. . She should be growing and changing.. I should already have a wall filled with her school pictures. .. Instead we are tying to figure out what to do with Jonathan’s. . I should be posting his picture.. so proud of the handsome boy he is.. and how much he has changed and grown in the past 12 months. .. I should be happy for my friends and their school pictures.. Especially the kinder ones. . I should be. I’m not. I look at them with a mix of longing, jealousy and anger. . I long for it. For[…]

October is my train.

October.. Waiting for that crash.. Standing beside the train tracks.. wind blowing hard and fast against me.. and nothing I can do to stop it.. I feel it though. My whole body trembles as I feel the sheer power and force of the train barreling towards my little family. October.. This month is that train.. Her birthday also the day she was diagnosed with cancer, its the start of it all.. For all the holidays that hurt so much without her.. The ones that now symbolize her short but fierce battle. .. so its not just the stark reminder that one is missing.. its also the memories of our last holidays with her.. When we knew she would die.. i didnt know.. sissy i didnt know you were already dying..  I see a video.. and I watch it.. willing me to just find her in the frame. Its all I see[…]

#forTHEMbecauseofHER

Her birthday is coming. .. She should be 8. This should be a celebration. She loved her birthday. I loved her birthday. But now I am dreading it. Terribly. No balloons to blow up.. no birthday chair to decorate.. no candles to blow out. . No presents. No joy. No happy.. But she deserves more that that. She is worth celebrating. you hear me sissy? Only 6 years we got with her. A friend recently emailed me. About preparing for her soon to be 8 year olds birthday. We went to this girls 6th birthday party shortly before Jennifer was diagnosed. Our friend stumbled across the wrapping paper she had used for a game at that party.. And she was hit.. a rake to the face moment. That damn wrapping paper is still here.. but my dauhter isn’t. And its not ok. Its not fair. I don’t get to celebrate[…]

october 1

The start of Oct. I am excited only for one part of it. The end of most of the Fluttering campaign. I LOVE this campaign. For so many reasons. It raises a ton of awareness and money. Kids are involved and doing it. Kids are saving kids. We partnered with other organizations and allowed people to highlight the child(ren) that have touched their lives. I am proud of it because I think it really showcases what and who Unravel is.. Awareness. Empowerment. Kids. Money for research. But I miss her. Jennifer feels so distant to me this month. I think I know why. I see messages and notes of people every single day who she is touching and inspiring to keep going with Fluttering. But I’m selfish.. I miss her. I miss the signs for me. I miss that sometimes that I feel like she is just about to come[…]

happy birthday mama

Tomorrow is my birthday. I have never been a big birthday person. Always feels like a set up to get your feelings hurt. Now I really hate it. I made videos for everybody else.. Jennifer singing them all happy birthday… I wanted her to do it for me too.. but she thought it was too silly… not a good surprise if I knew. I will only have one wish as I blow out every candle for the rest of my life. So I try to quiet my mind and fight the urge to wish for the impossible… The no. The please not her. The wake me up from this nightmare. I will never win that fight. I will always want it. My heart and souls longing will always be louder and stronger than me.. they will always swallow up my my minds attempt to silence them. There will always be[…]

ultimate graduation

Its been a really full past few days. So much going on with Unravel. 2 MNO coming up and a golf tournament.. A few different interviews and our fluttering kits going on sale.. Its been easy to escape into it all.. Its been hard to escape into it all.. Will I ever not need to actively grieve? Will I ever be ok to go more than a day without crying without a crushing weight bearing down on me? I don’t know.. I really don’t. But I am starting to worry I may never. That losing my eldest child is truly so horrible I will never not have to succumb. . even just a little every day. Along with Unravel we had sickness that has kept us homebound for several days. Jonathan missed his last day of preschool because of it. That was ok though, because he seems to be battling[…]