Waiting for that crash.. Standing beside the train tracks.. wind blowing hard and fast against me.. and nothing I can do to stop it.. I feel it though. My whole body trembles as I feel the sheer power and force of the train barreling towards my little family.
October.. This month is that train.. Her birthday also the day she was diagnosed with cancer, its the start of it all.. For all the holidays that hurt so much without her.. The ones that now symbolize her short but fierce battle. .. so its not just the stark reminder that one is missing.. its also the memories of our last holidays with her.. When we knew she would die..
i didnt know.. sissy i didnt know you were already dying..
I see a video.. and I watch it.. willing me to just find her in the frame. Its all I see anymore in the old videos.. is the glimpses of her.. How angry I get at myself for not keeping the camera on her longer..
Yesterday filming 3 of my 4 living children .. I made sure to give each of them equal time on camera.. To capture their voices and their movements.. I knew it as I was doing it.. It felt both terryinfing and fulfilling, a safety net I had no control over creating. The thoughts came and I had to listen to them. ..
i am so scared to lose one of them.. please jennifer protect them..
They are too.. I hate that. I hate how scared they are that they will die also. Driving to school earlier this month the tree where her bench is caught my eye… The kids and I all looked at it while we stopped in the pick up line. The bench that helped me through this day and this one also where my deepest desire was simply for her to be more than just a bench.
Nicholas struggled against it immediately .. He told us they must have decorated it because thats where sissy died.. we went over it again.. That she died at home in her bed.. in my arms. .. He seemed to get it, but I’ve thought that before. This day I even had him repeat the words
But then.. then with the same certainly he asked if I would bury him like I did Jennifer.
Death wasn’t the question for him. The only question was what I would do with him afterwards.
“Oh buddy, Mommy should die before you. When I am old and you are grown up and you are a Daddy. You will bury me next to Jennifer.” . … “Because son kids aren’t supposed to die.”..
” But mom. Jennifer died. You couldn’t protect her. “
i’m sorry jennifer. he is right and i am sorry
Charlotte really wanted to go see it up close so we did. We walked over to it and saw that the entire thing had been decorated. She mattered. We didn’t know to who or even why at that moment.. but we didn’t care. We just knew she mattered.. she was remembered. She should be. She was amazing.
I wonder who she would be now? Well kinda. Because I can’t picture it. She will never out grow her princess comforter .. or Gilroy Gardens. .Or tea parties.
I planned a last minute birthday party for her. Not really a fundraiser since it will just be a kids tea party. But I wandered into this place down town and thought how much she would have liked it.. And they knew our story.. so we planned this thing. ..
But I don’t have anybody to invite to it. .. Because I don’t know who would be her friends. I see the kids in her class, they are so changed now. Taller, thinner.. older.
She should be inviting them to her party. . Instead its just a stupid Facebook post.
I thought it was a good idea.. Now I’m not so sure.. Because it’s just a empty fucking room.. And in the end, the truth is even it was full.. every room feels empty without her.
I still look at these pictures and I can’t believe we made it through so well to the end of this day.. How we pulled it together enough to still celebrate her birthday and make it a happy day for her.
106 days later she was gone. She is gone.
I have so many questions .. the same ones I always ask this time of year. Simple almost nonsensical questions.. Maybe my mind forgets on purpose? So I can still be learning new things in regards to her.. Did the cousins know anything yet? Did the other adults really know yet what it meant. What DIPG could really mean?? Who called them? What did they say?
and to you..
was it ok?
were you happy?
mommy says be happy.
…until there is a cure..