Should

Should ..

She should be here. . she should be alive..

That word carries a lot of weight with me right now. They cover me.. and they snuff out the light.. The should’s are dark and consuming. The should nots are heavy and constricting, they are what I don’t want to admit. .

She should be growing and changing.. I should already have a wall filled with her school pictures. .. Instead we are tying to figure out what to do with Jonathan’s. .

I should be posting his picture.. so proud of the handsome boy he is.. and how much he has changed and grown in the past 12 months. ..

he truly is.. incredible. .. I am so lucky to be his mom.
he truly is.. incredible. .. I am so lucky to be his mom.

I should be happy for my friends and their school pictures.. Especially the kinder ones. .

I should be.

I’m not.

I look at them with a mix of longing, jealousy and anger. . I long for it. For that innocence and joy. I am jealous that they get it.. And I am angry about all of it.

I never even got that one moment of joy. I remember getting hers.. That picture that was the birth of this place ..  “Love4jlk “born from a cell phone picture I snapped of a kindergarten photo of my beautiful girl..  People fell in love with the girl in that picture.

Her area on our mantle.. watermelon, ashes, handprints and offerings the other kids leave for her ..
Her area on our mantle.. watermelon, ashes, handprints and offerings the other kids leave for her ..

Jennifer should be here. . she should be alive..

She should be excited for her birthday party.. What kind of party would she want..I should know. .. I don’t. I can’t.

1-73

I only know what her 6 year old self would have wanted..

1-75

She should be making her own damn cupcakes.. I shouldn’t be crying while we stir.. I shouldn’t be explaining to her little sister why all the cupcakes are gluten free..

1-71

I shouldn’t have to explain again to a 3 year old that her sister can’t come back down from heaven.. that she can’t reach up high enough to grab her and bring her down.. That she can’t hold her tight enough that she stays..

I shouldn’t have yelled at Charlotte in the tub tonight.. I should never take a moment with them for granted.. ( I put a lot of links in this blog.. I challenge you to read them .. to remember.. go down the rabbit hole.. Maybe I shouldn’t.. but I am .. )

I shouldn’t feel so damn lonely.. even in a room full of people.. even in the middle of a conversation.. I shouldn’t feel so hollow. ..

so fragile.

Fragile. That’s it. A word I could have never imagined as a description for me.. But it is the perfect word for me right now. I don’t know that I have ever been fragile..

But nearly 3 years of this.. My strength is waning.. my resolve is thin..

I should be strong. For them.. for Unravel.. for other parents just starting off on this twisted path..

Jennifer should be here. . she should be alive..

She should be turning 9.

9.

what was she thinking this day?? was she hoping when we went to the dr a few hours later that they would fix what was wrong.. I should have talked more about what she was thinking..
what was she thinking this day?? was she hoping when we went to the dr a few hours later that they would fix what was wrong.. I should have talked more about what she was thinking..

I just cant even imagine it… My heart gets so twisted up in .. how old she looks to me in this picture. .. But she’s actually younger than Nicholas is right now. My stomach shouldn’t hurt looking at pictures of my children.

I stumbled across this last night.. And I couldn't believe that she was younger than Nicholas is now..
I stumbled across this last night.. And I couldn’t believe that she was younger than Nicholas is now..

I should have done more research .. I should have given her more morphine. I shouldn’t have tried so hard to get her to eat.. I should have so manys… I shouldn’t have so muchs..

Jennifer should be here. . she should be alive..

She should be here. . she should be alive..

She shouldn’t need to send her mommy songs to help me just breath..

I shouldn’t be begging my daughter to come see me in my dreams.. I shouldn’t be but I am.. I am.

oh sissy miss..

my sweet girl..

i love you

you should know that

you know that right??

1-76

..until there is a cure..

10 Responses to “Should”

  1. She knows that you love her so very very much! I know without a doubt you’re doing everything correct. You’re amazing, strong, and fragile all at the same time and that’s okay. She along with God continue to hold you up. We all love you. We all miss you Jennifer!

  2. I am a stranger, profoundly touched by your words your sorrow and the light in her eyes. I’m sorry that some moms have this as part of their narrative and others of us don’t – but in whatever way I can bear witness to your joy and despair at the what is in those eyes and the memories they invoke. Please just … Thank you for sharing.

  3. Jennifer knows how much you love her and how you long for her. Sending love to you and everyone missing this sweet, wonderful, amazing girl.

  4. She is with you with every day, she is the hurt you feel, the hope, the love, and the wind you feel, she is a part of your children in the now and most of all in your hearts beating every day, she is and always will be forever so loved and so missed…

  5. “Should” is one of the worst words, in my opinion. When you “should” on yourself, you are judging yourself. At what point will you let yourself just be however you need to be without “shoulding” all over yourself? I think it’s another way that you are unnecessarily demanding of yourself. Try eliminating all the “shoulds” for just one day and I think you will be surprised at how many times you use that word inside your own head or in conversation. I don’t think anyone else is harder on you in your bereavement than you are on yourself.

    You did everything right for Jennifer. DIPG was not a fair fight from the moment it started, which was long before you ever knew it existed. You agonized over every decision on a daily basis and did what was right and best in the moment. Going back over every detail is not going to change anything, but it will make you feel horrible and leave you stuck. I sincerely hope you are soon able to tell yourself that you did everything you could have done and did everything right with the very best you had at that time. I believe that about all parents who have to deal with the nightmare of cancer. You all do the best you can with what you have. It’s hard to believe that and accept that, but it is true.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *