glittery birthday girl

I was never a fancy birthday mom.. Never did party favors or pinterest themed decorations. .. So its only natural that I agreed to having Unravel throw an entire gala on what should be her 10th birthday!!

A party in her honor to rage against the beast that ripped her unwillingly and with a slow precision from our arms.

So I might as well admit it.. I am scared..

That date. October 28th. It’s held such power over me for almost 10 years.  .. the date I became a mom.. The date I looked forward to for 6 years.. To celebrate the little girl that changed everything.. husband and wife.. turned forever.. mommy and daddy. . In one moment.. in one breath she did that..

And 6 years after those first exhilarating moments .. years of promise were stolen in a string of words and letters.. Cancer.. DIPG.. There is no cure..

She wore a costume to the appointment.. I didn’t even buy it new.. we had years of birthdays left to celebrate her .. Years left to get her something brand new. ..

sorry sissy.. you deserved so much more.. 

She is trying.. so hard in this picture .. we all are.. I look at this and wonder what were we thinking..

I feel like I failed her birthday in so many ways.. so many times. . I don’t want to do it again.. So its scary. A month out.

Is that ok to say? I’ve sat here watching the cursor blinking ..

Ok to say I am scared. But not for the raising of money… or throwing a great party. We have a team of dedicated and talented people that have risen up to ensure that happens..

but no doubt little girl your mama is scared.

 Scared of my missing her being to much for public consumption. .

I’m scared to not have that night remembering with Tony.. after the day spent with her siblings celebrating the life that we welcomed to the world 10 years ago..

I am scared to share her special date.. scared how to keep it sacred for my little family…

but mostly

at the heart of it all

im scared to have your birthday

without you..

 

..until there is a cure..

 

 

 

4 Responses to “glittery birthday girl”

  1. I imagine the idea of sharing her is terrifying. I also know you’ve said you are scared people will forget her. It must be a fine line you walk every day. Honoring her. Honoring yourself and your husband and living children. I don’t know how you do it, but from the outside you do it with grace. Even when you seem to be falling apart through your words you scoop them all up and rebuild. I don’t know if that’s just your nature. I don’t know if it’s motherly instinct. I don’t know if it’s just drive. But whatever it is and whatever you call it, that by far has to be the thing that I look up to and respect you the most for.

    Thank you for sharing her. Thank you for sharing yourself. We’ll beat this one day and Jennifer Lynn Kranz will be at the top of the “Found a Cure” list.

  2. She deserved the world and she had it, in her loving, doting and adoring parents. It doesn’t matter about new dresses or costumes or fancy parties. What matters is that she was loved to the moon and back a million times, and she was. Your love for her beams out of her beautiful eyes, her gorgeous smile and every cell on her body in every photo you share. I’ve never seen so many photos of such a blissfully happy child. She just oozes and radiates pure joy.

    I know you have so many regrets but please try to let yourself off of the hook, because the beautiful and incredible Jennifer Lynn Kranz was loved beyond measure by her two incredibly loving parents. The best part is that she knew it, she felt it, and she reflected that love to the camera, her friends, her family, her siblings…..to the world.

    I mean every word. I’ve honestly never seen photo after photo of the most captivating smile on such a breathtakingly gorgeous little face.

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