I think maybe I am starting to find my groove. Find my way in this new life of mine.. Figuring out a way to carry myself through the difficult times.
My body .. my heart know what is coming and I think I am unintentionally filling my tank.. and my reserves ..
Because I find myself starting to brace against the time that I know is coming. ..In my horizon is her birthday.. The day we finally became parents.. the day we learned we would without a doubt lose the child that gifted us that title.
A deep internal gritting and grinding.. A fear and a slow burn starting to churn away.. Because ready or not its coming..
but because of those shadows looming in the distance I also see the light. ..
The literal light .. sunlight coming through the trees. I am aware of the warmth of the sun and the heat of my child’s hand in mine… and the new freckles sprinkling across their noses… I am collecting these moments and appreciating this ability of mine to really relish in them.. in life and the people I am gifted to love.. To insulate me.. to carry me through this time that I hear raging in the distance.
I feel it though. The familiar prick behind my eyes that can rise up at any time. I can feel it returning to me..
Summer is Tonys struggle.. It is the time I stand up and he slumps. He misses her. His ache for his first daughter is palpable. . Staying up late and dancing in the street.. finding any way to escape to the water.. His roller coaster buddy..
Because he was her summer. She was his first sunshine.. Because he was her summer.– I meant to write she was his summer.. But perhaps this is just right.. He was hers.. and she was his..
Even Jennifer’s complexion seemed to embrace the summer .. .
I think he can almost hear her running in the grass.. Almost see her head back laughing in the swings.. and feel her arms around his neck in the pool. .. He remembers.. he yearns for her joy and spirit and life. ..And he feels the absence of it.
The summer I have realized .. his grief climbs into the drivers seat. A pain I know I can do nothing to ease.. Other than ride in the passengers seat .. reaching out to take the wheel when he needs me too..
And as the fall grows closer.. so does my ache. . And we slowly start to trade places. . My longing for her grows louder.. My memories of her pain and struggle become so vivid.
I have always known we even each other out.. Known that together we make a complete circle.. But I never realized together we also paint the full picture of our daughter.. of her life and her sparkle.. and her pain, of her death.
So for now I will just welcome the light that must be present for the shadows to appear. .. And I will take it all in.. and prepare..
Because of the depths of the darkness that found me February 12th I can see the light in a whole new way… I will never ever be grateful for the dark but I will embrace the beauty that comes with it.
i wont give up
until i can feel your light again too..
..until there is a cure..