she should be 10. Double digits. what a big deal.
Except she isn’t here..
This is the time of year when I can really remember her.. When I have moments.. days even I can remember so vividly.. Hauntingly vividly.. When she was sick.. when she was dying..
But not her 6th birthday.. There are so many holes in that day.. So I ask about it. I ask to hear the same stories .. Where were you? Who told you? What did you think? ..
I guess thats really all I ever want.. To hear your stories. . over and over again. . She should be 10.. but she is forever 6. .. And all we have is stories and memories.. My brain stumbles often..
So if you have 1 or 50 stories of her.. If they take you an hour or a minute to tell.. please . .. please tell me.
My goal is to reclaim this day. . to be able to find the joy I used to feel in it. To be able to feel my heart swell with happiness versus the shattering..
We fought so hard to be parents.. I got to tell Tony I was pregnant 5 times .. and 5 times I had to tell him we would lose the baby..
And then on October 28th it all changed.. Jennifer changed it all.. changed our everything.. Changed our names. It was magic. but I struggle to remember that.. To remember all the happy days she gifted us..
Because 6 years later we were told we would lose her.. And the memories after that day seem to be the ones that claim my attention.. Those months of her being sick .. of her dying.. They stole the space for memories of her 6 years of health and sass..
So I need help. ..
How the hell do I need help remembering my daughter??? How can I wake up on her birthday gutted..
So much has changed.. so much in my grief has changed.. but when I am here.. When I allow it to swallow me like I know I have to.. then its just like it was.. no please no..
happy birthday baby girl
i am so so sorry
..until there is a cure..