Category: Flutter

ding dong

Knock knock.. What is the world.. Who is that at the door at this hour? It’sssss FLUTTERING. People this is not a drill. This is the real deal. It’s time.. it’s time.. it’s time..  it is that wonderful time of year (well at least the precursor to it) when we invite every single one of you to not just be sorry but to BE ACTIVE. Fluttering allows everybody to share the facts and raise money.. and the kicker… (are you ready? get ready..) IT’S FUN. (buy me buy me buy me) boom. yea that just happened.   “Wait.. so Libby you are telling me. I can raise money and awareness and enjoy it?” you betcha.. Here is how it all began.. Less than 3 years ago. .. Wow.  “But I don’t know 30 people to flutter” -no prob Bob. You just need to know one person to Flutter and THEY choose[…]

guns, gorillas and gators

Our nation… Our country. There is a lot of sadness swirling around us. I have a multitude of thoughts about it all. Likely much of it isn’t popular opinion. But my goal isn’t to be popular is it? So many recently have joined my ranks of becoming bereaved parents… but from all different sources. Guns. Gorillas. Hot cars.  Alligators. I have 2 overarching thoughts on it all. The anger. The outrage. I get it. I have it to. But I am also so jealous, jealous that people seem to care more about these deaths. That not enough people seem to care about the 7 today that will die from cancer. The 7 tomorrow that are being slowly tortured and killed. I get it. Its not sensational. Because it IS so constant. Because is ISN’T slowing down. Logically I understand why its not newsworthy… Until it’s YOUR news. Your child. Your[…]

toot toot

I can’t say for sure what it is.. But I am struggling… feels like I am barely treading water. Like my every other breath is sucking in deep murky water instead of air. I don’t know if it’s Tony working nights.. or waiting for Wyatt’s time to come.. or hormones. .. But I feel like I am thrust back down. It’s hard to get out again. Hard to want to do much. And I feel like it’s so wrong. Like having Wyatt just joining Jennifer.. hurting for his family and being reminded again so vividly how precious life is I should be a better more patient mom. Like it should reinvigorate my efforts with Unravel. I feel like its the opposite. My nerves so over charged right now I am short with the kids.. I am struggling to engage with them. I don’t want to do Unravel business.. It just[…]

donations.. come in all sorts of ways

Friday was another 12th. Marking 10 months since I held my daughter last. I have promised myself that I will spend every 12th doing something for them because of her. This month for the first time the “them” wasn’t my 3 surviving kids.. I did it with my kids.. but did it for the kids still in the fight for their life. This month I was privileged enough to give Dr. Monje the $70,000 check from our first years fluttering campaign.   We had prepped the boys for it.. let them know we were going to a lab where the scientists are working to try and find a cure. Told them we were bringing a donation from the families that raised money by fluttering.     We were mostly worried about how it might be for Jonathan. Earlier that morning I had talked about my 2 sickie boys to them. About how they[…]

Seattle

Tony and I went to Seattle to present the check to Dr Olsen and his team at Fred Hutch. We got a chance to sit down with part of the team and share a little about us and Unravel. I was so proud to present this check on behalf of 350 families that took a stand.. raised awareness and an incredible amount of money. The gratitude that each of the scientists expressed was impressive. This is not just a job.. this is obviously a mission for them. One of the researchers volunteered for 6 months until the money was raised to actually give him a paycheck. He believes in this lab that much. We came with a check to cover the cost of nearly a full year of a set of hands in the lab.. but we happened to come at the perfect time. A triple match was being offered[…]

guarantees

I almost never went to her room at night. I was too scared to wake her.. and after all I would see her the next morning.  No idea that it was a gift.  A privilege not a guarantee. I do it every night now with my boys. I kiss them and I tuck them in again. And I whisper to them. About the depths of my love for them and what I hope they are dreaming about. I hope that those quiet midnight moments make their way into their hearts and their memories. So they never doubt the depth of my love. There are no guarantees …. The promises you are supposed to be confident in telling your kids have been stripped away. I will see you soon I will never leave you Mommy’s here.. its ok.. We all lost our innocence when Jennifer died. Because I know .. I[…]

this last

You never know the lasts..I wrote about that before.. wondering if I would know the lasts as they came to pass.. I didn’t. Surprisingly I still don’t. I got mail for her. Jennifer Lynn Kranz.   It was ironically enough from the first eye dr we saw.. the one that said we needed to take her to a specialist. .. that lead us to a MRI that then discovered the tumor that would turn our lives upside down. .. eventually ripping us apart. Will that be the last piece of mail I get for her? The last time I see her name in my mail box?   How is that even possible.. my daughter. My should be almost 7 yr old. Sometimes it feels like she is being wiped off the face of this earth. She was stolen from us 8 months ago.. but somehow I feel like I lose[…]

..always a flower girl..

Its our 10 yr anniversary. I adore my husband. He drives me nuttier than anybody I have ever known.. but also fulfills me in a ways I didn’t know I was lacking. All day though I remember her.. what a great wife she would have been. What a beautiful bride.. I hate that I will never see my husband walk our first born down the aisle. He is taking me out of town this weekend. Just us.. none of our babies and no Unravel work either. Just us.. I am both excited and nervous. But I know how much I need this time with just he and I. . and her.. I can’t help it. I hope she is there with us. We were fluttered .. like a super duper flutter. And it is incredible. I was lucky enough to speak at a event for Dr Olsen last night in[…]

good

Last night was good for me. It was completely gutting. I woke up with eyes swollen and heavy. .. but that was so much better than the weight I had been carrying around inside of me. Tony came in the door after I was done writing.. and I dissolved into his arms. I was so grateful for that moment.  So thankful for my best friend. Tonight I remembered that Jonathan doesn’t have that anymore. His best friend is gone.. After bed he came toddling out to us and asked Daddy to sleep in our bed.. why? Because Jennifer did. We talked more about it and decided he wouldn’t, but that we would plan it for another night. What is he thinking and feeling that would make that come up for him? I will go to him tonight after I finish writing. And I will pray that I never ever have[…]

difference

Are we making a difference? I ask myself that all the time. I dedicate so much of my life and myself to Unravel.. I can’t help but wonder if its really worth it. ..This week it was answered for me In a few unlikely ways.. There was a comment on the blog… one that I am sure is not isolated.. asking questions I am assume others may ask themselves about me.. about us. But it was my answer to that question that has helped me start to rise about the ashes I have been choking on lately. Putting into writing the good that I feel we are doing was empowering. Honestly the words just flowed from me.. the confidence in a such a unsettling time. . Thanks for your reply. I want to respond to a few things. Its actually not the inevitable since lots of people choose not to[…]