guarantees

I almost never went to her room at night. I was too scared to wake her.. and after all I would see her the next morning.  No idea that it was a gift.  A privilege not a guarantee.

I do it every night now with my boys. I kiss them and I tuck them in again. And I whisper to them. About the depths of my love for them and what I hope they are dreaming about. I hope that those quiet midnight moments make their way into their hearts and their memories. So they never doubt the depth of my love.

gurantee

There are no guarantees …. The promises you are supposed to be confident in telling your kids have been stripped away.

I will see you soon

I will never leave you

Mommy’s here.. its ok..

We all lost our innocence when Jennifer died. Because I know .. I know that I cannot say those things to them anymore with any  confidence.

gurantee2I spent a little time with one of Jennifer’s friends. She is so much taller now. Her voice has changed. She wrote her name for me. It was no longer the little girl scribble .. nothing like the signature I have forever etched into my wrist. I know if that was Jennifer I would lament how she was changing.. telling her like I so often did to just slow down. How having her grown up was ‘hard on me’ Questioning why they had to grow up so fast.

I can’t. because she won’t grow up. Forever 6.

My surviving 3 lose out on that too. On the mom that wants to keep them little forever. The mom I was.. the mom I am built to be.. Now my desire for them is much simpler.

Just let them live. Please.

just let them live. please.

Its a crippling fear sometimes. Being apart from them seizes me up.. stops me in my tracks. I forget what I am doing in the middle of doing it because the back of mind is on overdrive.. Are they ok? I hate being apart from them.. But I know Tony and I need the time..

Suddenly as I was packing I realized I wanted to bring her. .. So I looked up the restrictions. I ended up talking to 3 people at the airlines… I had to go find her death certificate. I knew we had it.. I have never looked at it.  And wept as I pulled it out.. and cried openly when I read it..

Because I was wrong.. first I had pulled out her birth certificate.

I remember the day we got it. How happy I was to have our names listed as her parents. I remember being surprised that having a simple piece of paper telling me what I already knew meant so much. ..

This time again…but an ending of life versus a welcoming of it.  Seeing all the things I already knew in black and white.. was like a sharp blow to my gut. I collapsed.

gurantee

Tomorrow we get to deliver a check from a incredible number of people, to a team doing research to really make a difference. Not towards a clinical trial but towards the discovery of drugs and delivery methods that can make the trials successful.

A guarantee I hope to one day be able to share. That one day no parent has to see the words I just did again. …

Age-6

Marital status-never married

Cause of death- brain tumor

Occupation- child

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..until there is a cure..

22 Responses to “guarantees”

  1. Im so sorry Libby. I lay here with tears in my eyes as I read this. I am still here reading, thinking about you all. Thinking about Jennifer daily. She will and you all will be in my heart forever. I hug my daughter Eva a litte tighter and giver her more kisses tell her I love her even more. Thankyou Libby. Thankyou for sharing your beautiful amd amazing Jennifer with us. Thankyou for continuing to share your life with us all. We love you all. All 6 of you. Until there is a cure.

  2. The death certificate….wow. I openly sob with you while reading today.

    You are so right, there are no guarantees. I wish so much for more days for your Jennifer. Thank you for continuing to share your journey. It truly does fuel the fire in me to keep fighting along side Unravel, every chance I can.

  3. There are no words of comfort but I wanted you to know your words are so powerful and meaningful . You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am one who did not know your family prior to being “Fluttered” so now I will spread the word on Jennifer’s behalf. This has changed me…Travel safe

  4. Enjoy your trip. Thank you for sharing your story. You are teaching me so much about what is important. I am proud of you, Libby and I think of your Jennifer daily. Hugs.

  5. I pray the power of her overwhelms you as you hand them that check. I pray a swarm of dragonflies overhead. She is laughing and dancing in happiness with all you are doing. A change IS coming.
    Love & prayers and wishes for safe travels

  6. All of this hits hard. Sorry you have to go through all of this, Libby. You do, however, handle it with amazing grace and you continue to shed light on this terrible disease. Thank you for sharing your story and Jennifer with all of us. I’m definitely a changed Mommy & Person from reading your blog.

    Jennifer <3
    XO

  7. I never went into my son’s room either, because of that same fear of waking him up. I just spent an hour getting him to sleep and I didn’t relish another hour starting over. Since I read your story I go in every night and I hope that he wakes up, sometimes I even give him a little poke. When he called to me in the night I used to wait a few minutes to see if he would just fall back to sleep, but now I jump out of my bed and squish myself into his and breathe him in. And because he knows I will I come when he calls, he calls me every night. I am tired and my back hurts from squishing into his bed, but all I can think of is that one day he won’t call to me in the night. One day he won’t want me to crawl into bed with him. One of these days will be the last time, and I know how much I will miss it. There will be time for sleeping later. I am forever grateful to you for sharing your story in such a graceful and meaningful way that it changed my priorities for the better.

  8. OMG Libby…..I have the chills after reading this. This made me cry and made my stomach hurt. Nobody should have to go through this. No mother should have to hold her child’s death cert. We have to stop this evil thing we call cancer. We have to. It’s ripping our babies from our grasp. Our babies are the most precious thing the Lord has given us. We have to do something to fix this. You are Ana amazing person to take your time out and help raise money. Jennifer is beyone proud of her mommy!

  9. Jennifer is the reason that I just purchased cookbooks from the Ronald McDonald House for Thanksgiving/random gifts. I know you didn’t stay at one, but so many families do and I this covers questions night. Just little purchases and changes like this can make such a diffrence, I hope. Thinking of you all the time….

  10. You did good work Libby, because of Jennifer YOU are making a difference, You are helping my baby and I Thank you for that! Stay strong, positive and healthy. xoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxox

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