I miss you Jennifer.
I am hurting so much. Struggling with such a desperate suffering.
It just keeps getting harder and harder. I don’t understand. When will there be some respite from all of this. Will it be like this til she is in my arms again?
I just cannot believe its real. Sometimes it feels like I am watching somebody else’s life. That my daughter can’t really be gone.
Even that she was once here seems like a mirage. What a horrible thing that is.
How is the pain getting so powerful that I am shutting it completely out?
I am one of the strongest people I know. I always have been. But I am weak. I am so weak now. This moment it grips me.. the horrific reality that is our life now… drowning in the lack of hers.
Its a burning.. a searing strike. Ripping me apart .. yet completely unseen.
I am complete mess tucked away inside a nice box with a pretty bow. This life of child loss is so much harder than I thought it would be. And for a week I haven’t allowed the mess out. I was doing so well with it I think I had started to convince myself.. that the shell is the real me.. the new me. But its not. This is. My aching love for her. This is the truth. I will tuck it away again tomorrow.. but for tonight I succumb.. and I am scared. I am falling.. a free fall with no parachute.
Im sorry baby.
that i have been denying you.
Not allowing myself to yearn for you.
i miss you Jennifer.
…until there is a cure..