pretty bow

I miss you Jennifer.

I am hurting so much. Struggling with such a desperate suffering.

It just keeps getting harder and harder. I don’t understand. When will there be some respite from all of this. Will it be like this til she is in my arms again?

I remember this night. She fell asleep in my arms. I asked Tony to take a picture since I feared it might be the last time .. I never could have imagined the last time she fell asleep in my arms would be the last time I touched her
I remember this night. She fell asleep in my arms. I asked Tony to take a picture since I feared it might be the last time .. I never could have imagined the last time she fell asleep in my arms would be the last time I touched her

I just cannot believe its real. Sometimes it feels like I am watching somebody else’s life. That my daughter can’t really be gone.

Even that she was once here seems like a mirage. What a horrible thing that is.

How is the pain getting so powerful that I am shutting it completely out?

I am one of the strongest people I know. I always have been. But I am weak. I am so weak now. This moment it grips me.. the horrific reality that is our life now… drowning in the lack of hers.

Its a burning.. a searing strike. Ripping me apart .. yet completely unseen.

I am complete mess tucked away inside a nice box with a pretty bow. This life of child loss is so much harder than I thought it would be. And for a week I haven’t allowed the mess out. I was doing so well with it I think I had started to convince myself.. that the shell is the real me.. the new me. But its not. This is. My aching love for her. This is the truth. I will tuck it away again tomorrow.. but for tonight I succumb.. and I am scared.  I am falling.. a free fall with no parachute.

Im sorry baby.

that i have been denying you.

Not allowing myself to yearn for you.

i miss you Jennifer.

imu1

…until there is a cure..

22 Responses to “pretty bow”

  1. I am left speechless for fear of knowing that nothing I say or write can help. Letting you know I am still here reading, thinking of all of you, and of course remembering your Jennifer, daily. Continuing to send you as much love as I possibly can. Chin up, Libby, you ARE doing it, trust yourself.

  2. I am reminded of the phrase “Fake it till you Make it”. Someone turned that around to “Fake it till you become it”. It’s OK. You are not doing Jennifer or your survivors a disservice. You are strong. You are coping. You are grieving and loving at the same time. Ain’t no way to do that but fake it. You will make it Libby.

  3. Tiaras make you taller! <3

    Libby, you are doing it how you need to do it. There is no fricking right or wrong.

    I know we all say it time after time but we are surrounding you and your family with love, light, and so much glitter.

  4. Libby don’t punish yourself by thinking you are doing wrong. Remember that this is not a easy situation and your emotions are going to change minute by minute. When death hits us its hard to function but when you loose a child its unbearable I am sure. You have to remember that no matter what you are never ignoring her or denying her. You have a life still and three other children you are also giving love, time and attention to. Although there might be a minute or an hour that you do not dwell on Jennifer your love for her will always be there. Although its hard you have to really give yourself a break and not be so hard on your self. Jennifer knows you love her and miss her and I am sure she can not wait for her to be able to see you again but I imagine she does not want you to suffer everyday. She is a beautiful place where there is no sadness, no pain and I am sure she has a lot of little angels around her and they suffer no more. I think given the situation you are doing the best you can. There are a lot of people praying for your family and your comfort and strength to get through this and try to hurt just a little bit less. Everyone that has ever lost a child that I know of continues to have the pain but it seems that one day they find a way to go on and the pain is just a little bit less. I pray that God will wrap His arms around you and that He will give you the comfort and strength you need to make it through everyday. My prayers are also for your children and your husband because they are also hurting. Your family has truly touched my heart and whats amazing is how hard you are working to help find a cure for this monster disease. I wish there was something I can say to you that will make this a little easier but there are just no words. All I can do is just pray and hope some day soon God will answer my prayers for your family.

  5. I think it is human nature to “wall off” the things that threaten to consume us. That way we, and anyone connected to us, can be safe from the almost certain total consumption by the thoughts and feelings. We don’t do this to fool ourselves, we just need to survive. Whether that’s to survive a minute, an hour or a day. We must do this. The walled off pain can be controlled, but it doesn’t mean we are ignoring it, in this case Jennifer. It just means that our connection to that pain is all consuming and we have people here that need us to not be consumed. And so, when it is safe we take out the pain to feel it, to rage at it and to reduce it to the size where it won’t destroy us and everyone around us. You are doing everything you can. God bless your family.

  6. Libby. There is no wrong or right. We love you all Libby. We are here. I am here. Thinking of Jennifer every single day and all 6 of you every day. We love you. LOVE4JLK♡

  7. I am so sorry. I don’t think a mother could ever completely heal from such a loss I just hope you can somehow overpower this unimaginable pain

  8. Libby-

    I remember the year I cried every single day, and the days I wasn’t crying, I was sobbing. I needed a lot of help. Make sure to get the help you need, whatever form that takes. You and your mom were two of the very most supportive people I had, and that meant everything to me. I’ll never, ever forget that. The pain you are going through is unbelievable. Be kind to yourself and know that you are loved and cared for by lots and lots of people, including your baby, Jennifer.
    Love-corrie

  9. I wish there was something I could do, something I could say to make everything…better? right? the way it was? I know there is nothing you NEED nothing you WANT that I could give you, but I send you so much love and I hope you feel an ounce of it.

    Jennifer <3

  10. He will pick you up and carry you when you are at your weakest. I cry out to Him for you. I pray for a moment of peace from it all….A moment of complete rest for you. I don’t know your pain, but I pray overwhelming love over your family. He is near to you. He holds you in His hands.
    I am so sorry.
    Love & prayers

  11. You are so in tune with your feelings…you are self-evaluative and self-reflective…you are being as healthy as you can, and it seems like there will be weeks where things are off-kilter, and weeks when things seem different….love and blessings to you as you find a path through all this.

  12. I am so sorry this is so hard Libby, I wish I could do more, I wish I could help, I wish Jennifer was still here. I am still reading and praying for you, sending my love and strength your way. xooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  13. Still here, reading, missing Jennifer, angry about pediatric cancer funds but mostly, amazed by your heart. Prayers for you and mch love to JLK…never forgotten.

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