First Halloween

Halloween. Another milestone met and past us.

We changed it up. We did things totally different than we normally do and I think it helped some. I was moving and going and doing all day..

Actually I think thats my new thing. I am keeping myself so busy I don’t feel. But that also means I don’t feel any connection to her either. Since she is dead.. part of my connection to her is my pain. .. when I run like I have been I feel an extra distance from her.

i miss you sissy miss..

but its so big right now

not much scares me..

the depths of it all right now though..

I’m scared baby.

Our last good Halloween
Our last good Halloween

Halloween was likely the start of it and I haven’t slowed for a moment. Until now. But I am fighting it. Having a hard time connecting to what is rattling around inside of me.

Tony was the one who made the final call for what we would do.. I just couldn’t figure it out. We stayed home. Our first year not driving to San Jose for trick or treating.  It was hard for me. I worried we were letting her down or my family down by not going. .. The kids seemed ok with it though. Just excited for getting some candy.

Our 4 babies
Our 4 babies

Before we left Jonathan asked to listen to some Frozen songs. Tony said no initially but this was a time he allowed me to overrule him. He had to walk out of the room for a few minutes…. But that was ok. .. The joy and connection the kids got from it was the right thing.. and when he was ready Tony came in and enjoyed it with us. It was a good start.. a good idea from our 5 yr as a way to bring his sister back to us for Halloween.

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The boys wanted to trick or treat with some friends, our close bereaved friends came with us. Their surviving daughter took ours by the hand. It always strikes me..

H14 7these two sisterless sisters..

I hope they can continue to find something within each other. Some connection and release. I imagine our Jennifer and Brecken looking down on them happily in those moments.

It was pouring rain. Another first for us.  Jonathan just loved trying to keep up with the bigger kids and Charlotte had a blast during all of it.  Nicholas was surprisingly not a super fan of it all. We came home and took baths to warm up.. ate a bunch of candy and went to bed.

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The next night JLKs godfather came over to watch the kids so Tony and I could go to a adult costume party. New friends. Friends we met only because of Jennifer’s illness. Friends I would give up in a moment to have her back.. but friends I am grateful for none the less.

I still can’t believe we actually had Halloween without her. I am sitting here trying to remember last year.. but I can’t. So I go back and I read it. Go here.

I forgot so much of the night. That I took her solo to that haunted house. That she let me carry her the whole way. I remember thinking.. if I just hold on tight enough. .. if I never put her down we can beat this .. I can carry her through. It was a physical challenge that night. A completely illogical one.. but it was so real for me. I remember almost feeling proud of myself that I did it.. thinking somehow .. someway.. it just had to make a difference. 

But it didn’t.. not a damn thing I did made any difference.

We tried.. she suffered and then died so quickly..

What I wouldn’t give to have her in my arms again.. I would have carried her forever if it could have saved her.

Now I am stuck.. still running from my pain.

Destined to carry my daughter without touch.. forever locked in photographs and memories.

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…until there is a cure..

8 Responses to “First Halloween”

  1. That last picture of Charlotte is precious! You may feel like you are running, but you are still making memories with them. I know of some parents who didn’t take their kids due to the rain. You are doing it all to the best of your ability.

  2. The photo of Jennifer throwing the glitter in the air is always my favorite. The way it forms the perfect heart around her, the way it sparkles and shines…its SO Jennifer.

    Speaking of glitter, Glitter in the Air by P!nk – every time I hear that song and hear her sing about throwing glitter in the air I think of Jennifer and that lovely video of the glitter fight you had with your girl.

  3. I am glad you went out, I am glad you took time for yourself and your babies. I pray that every day gets tiny bit better. Happy Halloween Jennifer in your watermelon heaven!

  4. What great photos you have of all your children…My girls and I pray for your family on a daily basis- Jennifer shines through each and every one of you. Happy Halloween Jennifer!

  5. Thinking of you and always wanting to hear about the ups and downs of your grieving process. The kids looked absolutely adorable in their rainy hair and costumes.

  6. You are making a difference, just gotta wait for it. I think it’s going to explode wide open….and soon. This is my prayer.
    love & prayers

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