Sometimes I really struggle with this new life of mine.. not just the child loss portion of it.. but also the executive director of Unravel role I am in.
I miss being a housewife..days filled with cooking and cleaning.. playdates and parks. Its all I ever wanted to be .. a wife and a mom. Its all I ever wanted to do.. raise a house full of kids. But then cancer hit and stole one of mine.. and all of my dreams and aspirations have now changed…
Unravel brings so much.. but it comes at a cost. There are times I just want to go back to being only a mommy and wife. In just this new life.. As a mom to 3 living and 1 in heaven.. and wife to a incredible and broken man. I want to be making scrapbooks about her and trying to absorb my little ones.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with guilt. Of all sorts.
Guilt that I didn’t do more for her.. And guilt that I am not doing better with Unravel. Without the amazing people supporting me Unravel would be nothing … And guilt about all the moments I missed with her. .. and over missing them now with my babies. I feel like I should be so much more appreciative of them.. inhaling every single moment I am gifted with them.. But I don’t..Not how I could. Not how I think that I should. So I decided to change that..
Today I took my 3 littlest ones for a walk on the levy, we haven’t done that for awhile. The place we walked so much with her.. I remembered so much.. this was always my favorite time of year.. Fall.. so being on the levy brought me back since we walked it most days we lived here. ..Cooler weather. Leaves on the ground.
Jonathan wore his Team Jennifer shirt.. with her picture on the back. Watching my boys from the back I could almost convince myself she was with us.. And then there was the way the boys acted. Jonathan was patient and giving to Nicholas.. the way his sister was with him. And Nicholas needed help and wanted Jonathan to hold his hand to get him down.. not me. A first for them.. it is always me or JLK that he let help him.. But today he asked for his brothers and hand.. and he took it. We collected rocks to paint and bring to her .. a tradition we have started.. today is a day I never want to forget. I will be reminded of it when we go to visit her and see these particular 3 rocks.
They need me.. so much. This weekend and our trip to Sacramento (both things I plan to write about) they were all I did.. And it helped them.. noticeably.
We, me and Tony, leave for Seattle on Thursday to give Dr Olsen the money from Unravel and the fluttering squad .. And to meet with some other cancer moms/successful fundraisers. I hope its ok to all 4 of them to have us away. .. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in it.. in Unravel. We are all still so freshly grieving… Not just me and Tony.. but our kids too.
please not her.. please just them .. the ones I can still touch..still help
I wonder sometimes if she is watching me.. wishing I would just stop all of it and enjoy what I am lucky enough to still have. Giving all of me to all of them. I wonder if I am disappointing her by not learning my lesson.. I feel so much guilt over not celebrating and concentrating on her more doing all the things I think about doing.. want to do and plan to do in her honor. I worry she doesn’t know how loved she still is.. how sincerely missed she is ..
Until she let me know differently. She has always been like that.. always had a way to prove her point to me.
Facebook chooses when changes to pages happens. Our page.. what was once my page.. her page.. Love4jlk turned to Unravel pediatric cancer on October 28th.. her birthday. Middle of the day.
She is proud of us.. of what we are doing.
She is encouraging and cheering us on.
I am going on this trip steady in this knowledge.
Unravel is not her.. but she is part of it.
…until there is a cure..