steady knowledge

Sometimes I really struggle with this new life of mine.. not just the child loss portion of it.. but also the executive director of Unravel role I am in.

I miss being a housewife..days filled with cooking and cleaning.. playdates and parks. Its all I ever wanted to be .. a wife and a mom. Its all I ever wanted to do.. raise a house full of kids. But then cancer hit and stole one of mine.. and all of my dreams and aspirations have now changed…

My version of perfection. Lots of overtired kids ..end of a great night..
My version of perfection. Lots of overtired kids ..end of a great night..

Unravel brings so much.. but it comes at a cost. There are times I just want to go back to being only a mommy and wife. In just this new life.. As a mom to 3 living and 1 in heaven.. and wife to a incredible and broken man. I want to be making scrapbooks about her and trying to absorb my little ones.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with guilt. Of all sorts.

Guilt that I didn’t do more for her.. And guilt that I am not doing better with Unravel. Without the amazing people supporting me Unravel would be nothing … And guilt about all the moments I missed with her. .. and over missing them now with my babies. I feel like I should be so much more appreciative of them.. inhaling every single moment I am gifted with them.. But I don’t..Not how I could.  Not how I think that I should. So I decided to change that..

facebook3

Today I took my 3 littlest ones for a walk on the levy, we haven’t done that for awhile. The place we walked so much with her.. I remembered so much.. this was always my favorite time of year.. Fall.. so being on the levy brought me back since we walked it most days we lived here. ..Cooler weather. Leaves on the ground.

One of my favorite days.. Jennifer in a rope and boots and costume scarf
One of my favorite days.. Jennifer in a robe, boots, costume scarf and sunglasses. She wore it much of the afternoon. The catalyst for my ‘will it matter in a month’

Jonathan wore his Team Jennifer shirt.. with her picture on the back. Watching my boys from the back I could almost convince myself she was with us.. And then there was the way the boys acted. Jonathan was patient and giving to Nicholas.. the way his sister was with him. And Nicholas needed help and wanted Jonathan to hold his hand to get him down.. not me. A first for them.. it is always me or JLK that he let help him.. But today he asked for his brothers and hand.. and he took it. We collected rocks to paint and bring to her .. a tradition we have started.. today is a day I never want to forget. I will be reminded of it when we go to visit her and see these particular 3 rocks.levy1

 

They need me.. so much. This weekend and our trip to Sacramento (both things I plan to write about) they were all I did.. And it helped them.. noticeably.

We, me and Tony, leave for Seattle on Thursday to give Dr Olsen the money from Unravel and the fluttering squad  .. And to meet with some other cancer moms/successful fundraisers. I hope its ok to all 4 of them to have us away. .. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in it.. in Unravel.  We are all still so freshly grieving… Not just me and Tony.. but our kids too.

please not her.. please just them .. the ones I can still touch..still help

I wonder sometimes if she is watching me.. wishing I would just stop all of it and enjoy what I am lucky enough to still have. Giving all of me to all of them.  I wonder if I am disappointing her by not learning my lesson.. I feel so much guilt over not celebrating and concentrating on her more doing all the things I think about doing.. want to do and plan to do in her honor. I worry she doesn’t know how loved she still is.. how sincerely missed she is ..

Until she let me know differently. She has always been like that.. always had a way to prove her point to me.

Facebook chooses when changes to pages happens. Our page.. what was once my page.. her page..  Love4jlk turned to Unravel pediatric cancer on October 28th.. her birthday. Middle of the day.

 She is proud of us.. of what we are doing.

She is encouraging and cheering us on.

I am going on this trip steady in this knowledge.

Unravel is not her.. but she is part of it.

facebook6

…until there is a cure..

12 Responses to “steady knowledge”

  1. Well good work Libby ! You needed a break. I used to tell my kids when they were busy and over busy that we needed to pick the needle up off the record. And change the subject for a little bit. Just till they caught their breath

    Do what you need to keep breathing.

    Those munchkins are so adorable.
    Hugs to you all !

  2. Of course Jennifer is proud of you, Libby. And I think she knows just how much she is loved and missed, most certainly by her family but also by her Glitter Squad. Her name is spoken daily across the country, people are giving a damn in her honor, and people are trying to make a difference so this doesn’t continue to happen to other children. She is most defiantly proud of your hard work, Libby. As are all of us!

  3. Jennifer is at your side Libby- you are all making such a difference against this cancer beast….You amaze me every step of the way. Prayers for a good trip and angel hugs:)

  4. I am here to help you with Unravel in whatever way you need. I love that Jennifer sent you a sign on her birthday! I think about all 6 of you daily! Hugs!!!

  5. I know Jennifer is so very proud of you Libby. We all are. In so many ways. As I write this “I choose you” by Sara Bereilles is playing on the radio. We love and miss Jennifer so much. And we love you all so very much. LOVE4JLK♡ FOREVER 6

  6. You’re making her so proud, Libby. Keep on this path and stay strong. You amaze me every step of the way.

    Jennifer<3

    XO

  7. Hey Libby, don’t forget the gift of unravel you are giving to your kids. The message that they are able to see the actions of their mother make a difference in the horrific way we deal with pediatric cancer. Yes, it comes at a cost. Every working mom will tell you that they are unable to do anything perfect. Give up on the perfection and realize that through unravel you might get good enough. And that good enough will produce really well-rounded healthy children. And good enough might save some other families the fate that you have been cursed with. And frankly, who is ever really perfect anyways? It’s over-rated.

  8. Hi Libby,
    Jennifer is able to communicate to you, and that is beautiful. What would Jonathan think if his sister died and that was it? That sometimes people die and you can’t do anything about it. But that’s not true. I know eyebrows raised, but in truth Jennifer died, you couldn’t help her BUT you are doing something about it. Every minute you commit to unravel shows Jonathan that when life hands you lemons, and you don’t have the water to make lemonade you use the peels to make a delicious recipe. It might not be as good as your lemonade but it’s still something. OK Not sure if that is a good analogy, but I tried. Those good people helping, and the people reading and trying to assist you are all just like you in that we know it’s to late for Jennifer, that angel we prayed so hard for is gone, but we have all placed ourselves in the category of what if my kid is next? What if my daughter or son were told they were going to die? Though we grieve for your family, much like you, we continue to assist because of them. The kids who could still fight, and giving them a chance to win is the goal. Your words remind us of the pain, it helps us to see a world we have yet to, and hopefully never will, know. Now many are also emotionally invested in you, and your family, we just want to see you succeed. And you will. Take a break if you need to! Think about what you did with flutter. YOU did that. YOU did that for other kids because of Jennifer. Your helpers did that. It was amazing.

    I didn’t get the chance to participate in flutter, but because of Jennifer I have a whole spiel when I see breast cancer collection jars. I look at the person behind the counter and say “I hate breast cancer awareness month.” Jaws drop, people look at me like what the heck is wrong with you. Then I explain, sometimes their eyes glaze over, other times they say my manager is over there you should tell them maybe we can help. By the end they know it isn’t because I have an extreme hatred for mammory glands. Or believe every person should be bra free, but because breast cancers saying this year was “Let’s finish the fight” and childrens cancer advocates motto is “Can we actually start fighting now?” Have I made a huge difference? No, but I am just a drop in the bucket. A bucket quickly overflowing with water because of you and Jennifer.

  9. I can understand that Unravel asks so much of you, timewise and emotionally. You’ve been so fierce in this fight and now thanks to your creativity with Fluttering you have $125,000 to hand out to Dr. Olsen. BRAVO!!!! A hundred thousand times over. It is never what you would have wanted, but Unravel is making a difference, and one day families will look to you as the person who spurred the change.

  10. She is soooooo proud of you. All the stuff you write about that you do with ALL 4 of your kids is the proof. Pictures you post of having fun, that’s your proof. Laughs, bubbles, afternoon picnics, that’s your proof.
    my hubby and I have been I college working towards our nursing degrees, then (now) nursing school which is a beast. I beat myself up constantly about what we’re NOT doing, then I remind myself it is just for this moment. Soon it will be different so I relax and remember that there will be a day very soon when life is different. My point? Grieve today, play tomorrow. This is all a cycle and there will be days when you can’t. Tomorrow you can and do the fun then. Don’t beat yourself up for the today’s that you can’t because your children are going through this too. Maybe the day you can’t is a day they can’t either. But tomorrow? When you can play and laugh….that’ll be exactly what they need too.
    I hope this ramble makes sense!!!
    Love and prayers

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *