Birthday done..check. Now halloween.
I want to to just sleep through it. I want to avoid it completely. But I can’t, that wouldn’t be fair to my little 3. And then that makes me mad. I always did a good job appreciating the middle of the night wake ups and temper tantrums over not liking their costumes.. because I knew.. well I thought I knew how quickly time could pass. I had no idea I would only be gifted 6 truly magical years … before cancer stole a piece of all of us.
The benefit of having so many older siblings that had children before me is that I know I am in the glory years. . the magic years.. But I’m not relishing in them the way I want to.. the way I used just a year ago.
My love for them is big and strong.. but the ache for her is so constant so angry and vicious .. and the scary part is this is only year 1. In a year from now I will only be gearing up to survive my 2nd Halloween without her. I cannot imagine it gets all that much easier. Its just not fair. For any of them. I used to embrace the holidays and all these events.. now my goal is simply to stay upright through them. I did well on her birthday.. I am not as sure about Halloween.
i wonder what you would have dressed up like?
i think maybe you would have convinced all the kids to go as some sort of a theme together with you.
Driving home from Jonathan’s preschool today we drove past a home decorated for Halloween. A cemetery with lots of headstones and a giant evil looking skeleton flying above the scene. I couldn’t help it and I blurted out “fuck you” before I could stop myself. Luckily the boys are in the way back of the mini van and didn’t hear me. It was completely a visceral reaction. A true anger at the way we (me 8 months ago included) depict death and cemeteries.
Scary.. evil…spooky.. bad. …
I have lost people I have loved in the past.. but still never took to the whole cemetery thing. Now I yearn for it and I long for it. It is a place of remembrance and connection for us now. I will have to find a way to take Halloween back for my family. To find pumpkins and spiders but keep death out of the picture.
Immediately after I drove past a park I took her several times a week when she was 2-3. It was a surreal moment for me right then.. memories flashing through me. Moving pictures of us together. I could smell it and feel the memories wash over me. I waited at the stop sign to recover myself from that incredible moment. I wanted to touch the memories.. grab them and hug them and hold onto them.
I wanted to make them swallow me.. absorb me totally and bring me back. Light brown hair blowing in the wind., kicking her legs in the baby swing.. Climbing to the top of the giant blue slide.. making me food out of tan bark. Multiple memories somehow all presenting themselves to me at the same time.
It was something I have never experienced before. I am a day dreamer by nature but this was nothing like that. This was a bunch of moments that began to play in my head.. It was remarkable and shocking. It was a gift.
i know you are ok
i know you aren’t scared
but i doubt what i know all the time
thank you baby girl
And when I got home I saw over our house a pink cloud. 12:25. A blue sky filled with white clouds and one that looked like it had been painted pink with chalk. Just a light dusting of color. I have no idea how.. but I know. And I thanked her. I actually asked her how she did that.. like I have any understanding of any of this stuff. I tried to take a picture but it seems like it was meant just for my eyes to witness.
She is more than a headstone. She is more than her death.
she is my daughter
..until there is a cure..