she is more

Birthday done..check. Now halloween.

I want to to just sleep through it. I want to avoid it completely. But I can’t, that wouldn’t be fair to my little 3. And then that makes me mad. I always did a good job appreciating the middle of the night wake ups and temper tantrums over not liking their costumes.. because I knew.. well I thought I knew how quickly time could pass. I had no idea I would only be gifted 6 truly magical years … before cancer stole a piece of all of us.

Jonathan wanted nothing to do with his costume and was too scared to go up to the doors until sissy took his hand.

The benefit of having so many older siblings that had children before me is that I know I am in the glory years. . the magic years.. But I’m not relishing in them the way I want to.. the way I used just a year ago.

My love for them is big and strong.. but the ache for her is so constant so angry and vicious .. and the scary part is this is only year 1. In a year from now I will only be gearing up to survive my 2nd Halloween without her. I cannot imagine it gets all that much easier. Its just not fair. For any of them. I used to embrace the holidays and all these events.. now my goal is simply to stay upright through them. I did well on her birthday.. I am not as sure about Halloween.

i wonder what you would have dressed up like?

i think maybe you would have convinced all the kids to go as some sort of a theme together with you.

i wish you were here.hween

Driving home from Jonathan’s preschool today we drove past a home decorated for Halloween. A cemetery with lots of headstones and a giant evil looking skeleton flying above the scene. I couldn’t help it and I blurted out “fuck you” before I could stop myself. Luckily the boys are in the way back of the mini van and didn’t hear me. It was completely a visceral reaction. A true anger at the way we (me 8 months ago included) depict death and cemeteries.

Scary.. evil…spooky.. bad. …

I have lost people I have loved in the past.. but still never took to the whole cemetery thing. Now I yearn for it and I long for it. It is a place of remembrance and connection for us now. I will have to find a way to take Halloween back for my family. To find pumpkins and spiders but keep death out of the picture.

Immediately after I drove past a park I took her several times a week when she was 2-3. It was a surreal moment for me right then.. memories flashing through me. Moving pictures of us together. I could smell it and feel the memories wash over me. I waited at the stop sign to recover myself from that incredible moment. I wanted to touch the memories.. grab them and hug them and hold onto them.

I wanted to make them swallow me.. absorb me totally and bring me back. Light brown hair blowing in the wind., kicking her legs in the baby swing..  Climbing to the top of the giant blue slide.. making me food out of tan bark. Multiple memories somehow all presenting themselves to me at the same time.

It was something I have never experienced before. I am a day dreamer by nature but this was nothing like that. This was a bunch of moments that began to play in my head..  It was remarkable and shocking.  It was a gift.

i know you are ok

i know you aren’t scared

but i doubt what i know all the time

thank you baby girl

cloud

And when I got home I saw over our house a pink cloud. 12:25. A blue sky filled with white clouds and one that looked like it had been painted pink with chalk. Just a light dusting of color. I have no idea how.. but I know. And I thanked her. I actually asked her how she did that.. like I have any understanding of any of this stuff. I tried to take a picture but it seems like it was meant just for my eyes to witness.

She is more than a headstone. She is more than her death.

she is my daughter

hween7

..until there is a cure..

15 Responses to “she is more”

  1. Oh Libby, that was beautiful. Deep deep heartfelt mother words (hope that made sense). Thank you for opening my eyes to how those that have lost may feel about all that is symbolic of Halloween. Again you have taught me… again you have made me feel… again you have shared Jennifer in such a beautiful way….thank you!

  2. Libby, what you see and feel are signs from Jennifer,absorb them and embrace them never second guesses your thoughts and feelings. So much love being sent your way for you and your family and your beautiful angel JENNIFER.

  3. Libby, I never have the right words, but please know that I’m right here for you. My heart feels so much love for you and your family and Jennifer, i feel blessed that even thought I’m just one of the many that never met you, i did get to see Jennifer beautiful little face and her smile and her hand wave, i cherish that moment always

  4. Beautiful signs from a beautiful little girl. She is always with you, Libby. Pushing you one step at a time, telling you, “You got this, Mommy!”

    Hugs and love from family to yours.

  5. Praise God! I prayed and prayed in tears on her birthday that you would have happy memories of her soon. Thank you Jennifer! Thank you God for answering prayers. I know we have all been praying for your happy mommy moments to be remembered! This makes me beyond excited.
    I have always hated the fake headstones. Because there is not fear in death but life in Heaven. If we believe in God then there’s no fear, but pure joy in heaven! Love you ❤️

  6. Libby, thinking of you and so glad you got a bit of a “replay” of those happy park moments. I wish Jennifer was here to orchestrate another Halloween for her siblings.

  7. She is more, she is a miracle, a blessing a beautiful beautiful sweet angel looking down on her loving family, sending you her love anyway she can!!! Believe xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo

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