this last

You never know the lasts..I wrote about that before.. wondering if I would know the lasts as they came to pass..

I didn’t.

Surprisingly I still don’t.

I got mail for her.

Jennifer Lynn Kranz.

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It was ironically enough from the first eye dr we saw.. the one that said we needed to take her to a specialist. .. that lead us to a MRI that then discovered the tumor that would turn our lives upside down. .. eventually ripping us apart.

Will that be the last piece of mail I get for her? The last time I see her name in my mail box?

 

How is that even possible.. my daughter. My should be almost 7 yr old. Sometimes it feels like she is being wiped off the face of this earth. She was stolen from us 8 months ago.. but somehow I feel like I lose little pieces of her every day.

I am trying to figure out a way to keep her Gilroy Gardens membership active.. So that I can scan her card and have her little face be the one that welcomes us to the park. To know that when we go there a machine is saying her name..

Jennifer

I got a email from Chuck e cheese.. well two actually. The first was maybe a month or so ago. The one yesterday was reminding me that it wasn’t too late to plan her birthday party. .. Oh how I wish that was true… It will always and forever be too late.

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But a computer remembered. It found her.. and linked her and I together. .. Without thought or fear of the tears I might shed.. it remembered my daughter and it said her name.

I wish I could make it happen again every year. I know that might sound crazy.. why would I want to be reminded that she is gone? But its not that.. I look around and I see car magnets and pink bracelets all with love4jlk .. I even saw a car of somebody I don’t know that had her picture along with fluttering information taped inside… I love it..so much.. But part of me whispers this won’t last. So I try to absorb it without expecting it. To know she is remembered in all sorts of ways.. by people and by machines is priceless.

I will never need to be reminded that she is gone.. Even if it doesn’t seem real.

I know.

The email was a unexpected reminder that she isn’t forgotten outside of me. Because with every breath I take that is void of her and I will struggle to breathe.. Every heart beat is broken because without her part of its strength is lost.

For my Jonathan too. Last night I laid in bed with him. We were talking about things he might want in general and in life. I was naming all sorts of things .. silly things and real things. But he stopped me.

“No mom I don’t want that. I just want Jennifer back.”

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“oh” I try to catch my heart and it attempts to leap out of my mouth to both shield him from this pain and to run away from it all.

“oh well why son? What is it you want back so much?”

“I just miss her. Just miss Jennifer. And I miss having a big sister”

The conversation dissolved for a few minutes. But I picked it up again.. 

“Whats something Jennifer taught you as your big sister”

And he showed me. A special little trick from her.

You will always be able to do that Jonathan. And because of that you will always carry a piece of her with you. You can do it whern you miss her… when you need to feel her near you. You can show me and it can be a secret way of telling me you are thinking about her. Or you can keep it to yourself.. and it just be your private connection with her.”

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He is also a victim of pediatric cancer..

 

He seemed to like that. As I laid there with my 5 yr old in my arms I wished.. with everything in me… to see him do that on his wedding day waiting for his bride.. And on the day he holds his child for the first time. And when I take my last breath.. I hope he finds comfort in what she taught him that he can forever do. ..

Oh and that mail from your eye doctor..

its sitting unopened in your room.

Its waiting for you baby

so much has been taken from me.. without my choice

I refuse to lose this last.

 

last9…until there is a cure…

 

 

21 Responses to “this last”

  1. I am up with the baby in the middle of the night and just wanted you to know that I am reading this and thinking of her. We miss Jennifer. Xoxo

  2. I am up in the middle of the night and just want you to know that I am reading this and thinking of you all. We miss Jennifer. Xoxo

  3. wow, that must have been a shock to get that mail addressed to Jennifer. How sweet are Jonathan’s memories and your pictures and your responses to his pain. thank you for showing us all how you are navigating this nightmare. I am so glad you have Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte to remind you of the little things Jennifer taught you and them. It is so sad every day that she is not physically there with you. Hugs to you and Tony and the kids.

  4. I, personally, can’t imagine forgetting about Jennifer, or your family, because you are what linked me to pediatric cancer. You opened my eyes to all of the things preventing a cure from happening. Your sweet girl, and your honest, brave, and raw words showed me the grim realities beyond the sad St Jude’s commercial. I can’t and won’t turn away. For my kids, and possible grandkids, because of her.

    And sweet Jonathan…. your response was great. His momma is there for him, and he knows it. ♡♡♡♡♡♡ love, hugs, and prayers

  5. Hugs, Libby to you and your sweet Family. All 6 of you.
    I promise to keep remembering Jennifer.
    My Family and I will be at California Adventures on Jennifer’s Birthday. Would you like me to do something special? I already have a few ideas 🙂

  6. It will last, Libby. We’ll all make it last. Jennifer and your family have touched us more than you’ll ever know. We’ll keep on flittering and fluttering and spreading the glitter. God bless you and your family.

  7. Libby. My dear Libby. I am so sorry. I promise you that I eill never forget your beautiful Jennifer. I miss her too. I am wearing my JLK shirt today that I made to honor Jennifer. To remember her. And on her birthday I will honor her and think about her and you all even more that day. She will never be forgotten. I promise. LOVE4JLK♡ FOREVER 6. I, we love you all. All 6 of you ♡

  8. Jennifer.

    I say her name everyday. A person who never met your beautiful daughter, a mother of one from Texas, will say your precious child’s name everyday. I think of her often, as well as you and the rest of your family. My daughter and I are planning something small, but special, to remember Jennifer on her birthday. I will spread the horrible truths of pediatric cancer in remembrance of her until the day a cure comes. She WILL help cure cancer, I just know it. Spreading glitter until the cure comes…

  9. Sweet Jennifer. I’m so glad that Jonathan has a special trick she showed him, that melts my heart. Thinking of all 6 of you. She will never be forgotten.

    XO

  10. This will last, Libby. We’ll make it last. Jennifer and your family have touched us more than you know. We’ll continue to flitter and flutter and spread the glitter until the day comes that we don’t need to anymore.

  11. What you said to Jonathan is so beautiful and such a gift to have given him. My mom’s name is still on my Safeway rewards card. When I check out they say “thank you Margaret” and I love it. It was the same with my blockbuster card (until they went out of business). Those things remind me of the fact that she lived, not that she died. I don’t need to be reminded of that. I will never forget.

  12. I will try to do my part to keep her name in the world. To keep her memory alive. To raise awareness until there is a cure.

    I am sending Jonathan some love and light, hoping and praying his little heart finds a way through the darkness.

  13. So sad I can can feel your pain, maybe my prayers will help ease & mend your broken heart ,keep hope you will see all those things with your son, take care&God Bless, Ron

  14. We will make it last. Jennifer will be remembered and spoken about for a long time to come. Special prayers for Jonathan today xx

  15. Gutted and flayed….so raw right now…but finding comfort in that wonderful idea of your son forever practicing the trick his sister taught him. That is beautiful. That is a sort of rescue.

  16. I sit here with tears streaming down my face and my heart just breaks for Jonathan. He is so much like you Libby, keep up the good work.

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