numb

I feel an invisible force on my foot.. trying to push it down.. put the brakes on this life.. Just make it all stop. . In 4 days I will have been a cancer mom for a whole year. In 4 days.. She will truly be forever 6..

because she won’t be here to turn 7.

no no no no

Today was the one year anniversary of the last full great day.. free day. .. happy day. The day before I picked her up from school and she threw up in her lap.. the day before we took her to the ER and she was admitted. I wanted to do something that symbolized that.. something free and fun. We went to the high school football games tonight, my brother and brother in laws team vs another brothers team.  It was a hour or so drive each way.. nice for me I got to cry with all 3 of my able to sleep children sleeping and on the way home only Jonathan was awake.

last good day
last good day

Last year when they played each other all the players wore a Love4JLK sticker and our family wore Team Jennifer shirts. We are so changed now.. so completely different. It feels like it was years ago.. it feels like it was all just some dream I had..

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So many words choke me now. As we walked onto the campus I started to tell the boys they would be big high schoolers like all these guys one day.. But then I couldn’t. It would feel to forceful like I was taking too much for granted.. to get to have them in high school one day is a privilege I am holding my breath to have happen.

They had a great time tonight. Nicholas was quite popular for his no shirt style! The boys even had a little ice fight after the game on the field. My first thought was to tell them no. It was already hours past bedtime. But then I saw the smiles and realized a few more minutes meant nothing at this point.. So I turned that ‘no into a yes’.

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My kids were with some of their big cousins.. Charlotte was being held by her godfather so I snapped a quick picture. Another nephew walked over and I almost said.. hey who is your god child? Lets do a picture. . but I stopped myself and realized who it was.. The child that is no longer here.. no longer able to be swooped up for a quick pic..

I didn’t sign up for this. Don’t I get some sort of insurance against this after waiting and fighting so hard to get her. To not just be a mom.. but get to be her mommy?

We are all hurting so much in vastly different ways. Tony.  It is real and pressing and destructive for him right now. There is nothing like seeing and hearing your husbands pain pour out of him.. To have to watch him struggle under the weight of his heartache.. and the intensity of his rage .. Because he can’t change it. Because its real. Her birthday without her.. Its real and its coming.

She loved going to the football games
She loved going to the football games

And he is cruelly un-numb. He went to a friends new house and helped tear up carpet .. another form of what we call man grief. Raw physical release.

I on the other hand have had a backslide in that department. Though my emotions are just right below the surface.. though I cry every time I drive to my gym or Jonathans preschool .. really anytime I am in the car now I cry in that moment of front seat solicitude. I have realized my body is shutting it down. I am numb to it. It all seems un-real. I am back in the fog .. Having a hard time really connecting to the fact that she will not be here when I wake up on the 28th.. I am instead reeling in the one year anniversary of learning she had a cancer called DIPG…. a cancer with no cure.. no viable options..  and no mercy.

That is ripping me apart.

The fact that its already taken her.. that she will not be making any wishes this year.. Its just not penetrating.

I guess maybe its too big for me to even begin to absorb. But my body knows.. my eyes burn and tears fall as I write those words. But my brain shuts it off. I feel like Jonathan looked 8 months ago when we told him sissys body stopped working. When his eyes filled with tears and a look of total confusion over why that was happening.. as his legs forced him to jump into my lap and his arms to wrap around me.. All involuntary mechanisms of his little body.

Tomorrow we head out of town. Sacramento. The place where she was born. The place that I first earned the greatest name on this earth.. Mommy. We are not doing anything fancy, just fun easy unplanned kids stuff .. really anywhere but here,  Tony and I looked at each other as we talked about the trip.. He said I hope its fun.. well not fun. but just not awful.

It will be fun.

For them because of her.

All you went through..

everything you endured.

It will be fun.

For them.. because of you

my Jennifer.

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…until there is a cure..

12 Responses to “numb”

  1. I’m up late too – cannot let myself sleep until I get the goody bags ready for clinic this weekend. For Kim to hand out. I went to the Mitty football game too and wish i’d seen you all. My first game ever! That’s because of her too and I thought you may be there. I was thinking of Jennifer the whole time, hoping they would pray for her (like last year), or maybe the Mitty Royals would have danced to “Brave”, or maybe we could have thrown glitter for her, or blow tons of bubbles to float up to her. I can only read your blog at night because it makes me sad, for so many reasons… I cannot imagine how you are able to go through every day, without her. But you do it, because you are a mommy. And you have the rest of your family to look after. But who is looking after you? I hope that you are able to have fun. Always remembering you ALL in my prayers. Big hug!

  2. I was thinking about sweet Jennifer’s coming birthday, and wondering how birthdays are celebrated in Heaven, if at all, since time is so different there.

    We will be doing a balloon release on Tuesday for her and spreading the glitter on Friday. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers daily. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  3. I think about Jennifer and you all everyday. I will be especially thinking of Jennifer in her special day next week. We will honor her. My daughter Eva and I will do a balloon release for Jennifer’s birthday. We love her, we love all of you. All the love and prayers I can possibly give to you today and everyday. LOVE4JLK♡ FOREVER 6.

  4. Aching for you. For Tony. For all you are still having to endure on this horrible, seemingly unending journey. I wish with all my strength that I could still be praying for the miracle of life for Jennifer. I wish and hope and pray . . . until I slam into that wall of reality that you are forced to live with every moment of every day.

    And so, I keep reading your words of grief, and trying the best I can to uphold you with my prayers. Because I do believe it will get better, somehow easier, to live without Jennifer physically with you. And I do believe that she is alive and filled with a joy we can’t even begin to imagine on this side of heaven. But I hate the harsh reality that she isn’t here for her 7th birthday.

    Dear Father of Light, please cover this family with an outpouring of your grace and mercy. Soothe their weary souls and revive their broken spirits. And let Jennifer, who is sitting on your lap, help you release the glitter rain of Your joy upon them. Amen.

  5. Hugs and prayers….

    I plan on finding something glittery and pink to wear on Tuesday. My heart and thoughts will be with you and of Jennifer.

  6. My son and I will be releasing a balloon for Jennifer on Tuesday in honor of her and her birthday. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time and always.

  7. No into a yes for miss Jennifer, for my family because of her! Thank you for sharing. Stay strong, believe and feel her touch when you sleep, see the signs she sends to you. Jennifer loves you. Until there is a cure, Until you hold her again! xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxox

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