**another one I waited to post, I had to clear it with Tony first**
How can silence be so deafening?
I came home from last Saturday nights fundraiser on a bit of a high to a husband that was really hurting .. really struggling. Missing his daughter. His first case of love at first site. Tony loves me.. tremendously .. but its different. He was smitten.
Completely. Absolutely. Totally.
From the first moment he laid eyes on her. And I know she felt the same way.
But he can’t touch her anymore. He can’t hold her or laugh with her. And something inside him is broken. He loves me. He adores with everything he is our 3 surviving kids. But something is broken. . a place inside that can never be fixed or healed. Its a deep and protected place. The place in his heart that she carved out that was once bursting with joy.. now it is silent.
And I can’t fix it.
Our boys spent the night with my parents and some cousins on Saturday so Tony had some time to be with himself and baby Charlotte. I came home Sunday to a silent hurt that was filling our home. In the midst of giggle after giggle he was making come from our surviving daughter, the ache was palpable.
And I can’t fix it.
Losing your child is hard on a marriage. How we miss the same person is such different ways. In the ways we grieve and the things that cause us to find both comfort and sorrow. Different.
So he did what most people do when they are hurting so much. He took it out on the closest person.. the safest person. And I fought back. So normal in a marriage. But what makes it different for us is our inability to stand through the others persons lashes. We used to be able to do that. Allow each other times of attack to get out the hurt we were feeling inside. We experienced it throughout out battle with infertitly, miscarriage and adoption. But now the rules are different because we are different.
What helps me believe that we will survive this as a couple in tact.. Is that we end times like that in each others arms.. crying, apologizing and forgiving.. without a single word spoken.
I am grateful to have something I know I do not need to fix.
That pain also is oozing out of me as well. Today so many little things stopped me in my tracks. Like one of her toys laying out in the dance room. How I wanted to yell at her to bring her toy back to her room.. How she would then blame her siblings.. and I would say “well its yours so take it to your room”… Instead though..
silence.. deafening.. horrible silence.
As I bent over to pick her pink glittery toy up.. tears fell. My only connection to her in that moment was the overwhelming ache for her. The only thing I wanted, other than hearing her voice call out to me was to fall apart in my husbands arms.. Because he is the only one who can grasp the depth of my pain.. because he was just in the throws of it yesterday.
She should be 7 on tuesday. This time last year I was planning her birthday party.. No idea that we would be spending her birthday learning she had a tumor that was terminal upon diagnosis.
i miss you baby girl
daddy misses you..
can you come see him tonight while he sleeps?
you’re only 6..
i shouldn’t be asking so much of you
and taking care of us now..
i love you
…until there is a cure..