silence

**another one I waited to post, I had to clear it with Tony first**

How can silence be so deafening?

I came home from last Saturday nights fundraiser on a bit of a high to a husband that was really hurting .. really struggling. Missing his daughter. His first case of love at first site. Tony loves me.. tremendously .. but its different. He was smitten.

Completely. Absolutely. Totally.

silence

From the first moment he laid eyes on her. And I know she felt the same way.

But he can’t touch her anymore. He can’t hold her or laugh with her. And something inside him is broken. He loves me. He adores with everything he is our 3 surviving kids. But something is broken. . a place inside that can never be fixed or healed. Its a deep and protected place. The place in his heart that she carved out that was once bursting with joy.. now it is silent.

silence3

 

 

And I can’t fix it.

Our boys spent the night with my parents and some cousins on Saturday so Tony had some time to be with himself and baby Charlotte. I came home Sunday to a silent hurt that was filling our home. In the midst of giggle after giggle he was making come from our surviving daughter, the ache was palpable.

jennifer loved having a baby sister
jennifer loved having a baby sister

And I can’t fix it.

Losing your child is hard on a marriage. How we miss the same person is such different ways. In the ways we grieve and the things that cause us to find both comfort and sorrow. Different.

So he did what most people do when they are hurting so much. He took it out on the closest person.. the safest person. And I fought back. So normal in a marriage. But what makes it different for us is our inability to stand through the others persons lashes. We used to be able to do that. Allow each other times of attack to get out the hurt we were feeling inside. We experienced it throughout out battle with infertitly, miscarriage and adoption. But now the rules are different because we are different.

What helps me believe that we will survive this as a couple in tact.. Is that we end times like that in each others arms.. crying, apologizing and forgiving.. without a single word spoken.

I am grateful to have something I know I do not need to fix.

That pain also is oozing out of me as well. Today so many little things stopped me in my tracks. Like one of her toys laying out in the dance room. How I wanted to yell at her to bring her toy back to her room.. How she would then blame her siblings.. and I would say “well its yours so take it to your room”… Instead though..

silence.. deafening.. horrible silence.

silence6

As I bent over to pick her pink glittery toy up.. tears fell. My only connection to her in that moment was the overwhelming ache for her. The only thing I wanted, other than hearing her voice call out to me was to fall apart in my husbands arms.. Because he is the only one who can grasp the depth of my pain.. because he was just in the throws of it yesterday.

She should be 7 on tuesday. This time last year I was planning her birthday party.. No idea that we would be spending her birthday learning she had a tumor that was terminal upon diagnosis.

i miss you baby girl

daddy misses you..

can you come see him tonight while he sleeps?

you’re only 6..

i shouldn’t be asking so much of you

forever 6

and taking care of us now..

i love you

silence7

…until there is a cure..

 

 

 

 

 

21 Responses to “silence”

  1. How my heart aches for you. I know tomorrow will be extremely difficult- I hope and pray she finds a way to connect with you all. Maybe that toy was her connection on that day… keeping you all in our thoughts and prayers daily. Thank you for sharing, both you and Tony.

  2. No words can speak what I wish to say to you and Tony…so I will just pray for you both instead. I know God knows what my heart wants to say, but my brain just can’t speak that kind of pain. My world turned upside down this past year when my very best friend for over 30 years, my mother, passed very suddenly. The mother/child bond (especially the mother/daughter bond, for some reason) is just sacred. When one leaves, the other has half of their heart taken with their loved one, never to be replaced until the joyous reunion in Heaven one day. I have never experienced the loss of a child, only my mother…it crushed me from the inside out. It’s been over a year and I still am in denial, and my doctor said my grief is “too much” for a person to still be in since over a year has passed since my heart was broken by her death. I don’t think that anyone should try to put an ‘expiration date’ on the stages of grief. Those who have experienced a loss of great magnitude…a child, a parent, a sibling or spouse, will never truly recover. We only reach that stage of being adjusted to the “new normal”. I’m slowly finding that I am having less episodes of uncontrollable grief in recent months, although I’m almost always on the ‘verge of it’, I can now control it more. The happy memories aren’t quite as painful, although they still sting with the force of 10,000 knives sometimes…but they are slightly easier to deal with, and less painful to think about than they were. I hope you are also able to find that place, and Tony as well.

    The thought that this earth, this place…it’s our temporary home…that has comforted me. Think about how time goes on earth, vs. time in Heaven. I believe that the time we spend on earth is only a tiny little speck. The time we spend in our eternal home, Heaven, is so much longer…eternity. Jennifer will barely have the time to realize that she misses you until you can be there with her and be able to hold her forever. That time that feels so very long for you, is actually short when judged beside the amount of time we spend with our Heavenly Father…all of eternity. That is the hope that keeps me going…that thought of how long eternity truly is…and how we spend it with those we love. May God bless you and your family, give you strength and keep your marriage strong.

  3. I sit here in tears as I read this. Im so sorry. I wish with all my might that Jennifer were here with you. All my love and prayers to you today and Especially tomorrow. We love you so much. All 6 of you. Until there is a cure. LOVE4JLK♡ FOREVER 6 .

  4. Libby, you have been in my thoughts with Jennifer’s birthday approaching. My heart hurts for you. You and Tony are blessed to have each other, and to be there for each other, even when you can’t fix things. You are on my mind, and I’m sending love to you and your family.

  5. Still reading here in Kansas City and saying her name…. Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer….I don’t know you, but I think of your family daily. You are making a difference. I have learned so much about pediatric cancer and the gross underfunding of finding a cure. Because of you, and your Jennifer, I am doing what I can to spread the glitter.

  6. My heart and prayers go out to you and Tony on this birthday. So many words of comfort and none come close to touching that hole. Especially feeling it for Tony this post-he sounds alot like my hubby, I had to remind him to come back to the labor bed to let me see our daughter, he had stopped at the rocker engrossed! That little girl made him a man in ways I never imagined. She grew him and is his totally. My heart empties at the thought of your grief but reading your words reminds me of how people sometimes miss the grief in men. Its different and strong and just as consuming in its own way. Praying for you all this week. Remembering Jennifer amd her siblings in our prayers as we always do. Your family is so loved by so many who’ve never met you. Hoping you feel it surround you this week.

  7. Im in tears as I read this. Im so sorry Libby. I wish with all my might she were here with you . I will honor her tomorrow. I will say be thinking of her even more tomorrow on her special day. All my love to you all. Today, especially tomorrow and everyday. Until there is a cure. We love you all. All 6 of you. LOVE4JLK FOREVER 6.

  8. I pray that your marriage continues to be everything that you need and that your love for one another continues as strong as ever. And I pray that you feel Jennifer’s unmistakable presence surrounding both of you xx.

  9. So very heartbreaking…My daughter and I said a prayer for your sweet angel tonight and I just want to say Happy Birthday Jennifer. I will continue to pray for all of you daily.

  10. Tony is a special man, and so loving to his kids. It is gut-wrenching to think of the never-ceasing waves of pain that he and your kids and you endure every day, every minute. This is a beautifully-written homage to his experience…your love for him radiates through each word.

  11. xoxoxooxoxoxooxoxo I don’t know what to say, I am hear reading, praying and send my love to your wonderful family. I am so glad you have Tony and that Tony has you. Stay strong, believe xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox

  12. Crossing my fingers and toes that she visited Tony while he was sleeping. My heart aches for all 6 of you.

    Jennifer. <3
    XO

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