Its our 10 yr anniversary. I adore my husband. He drives me nuttier than anybody I have ever known.. but also fulfills me in a ways I didn’t know I was lacking. All day though I remember her.. what a great wife she would have been.
What a beautiful bride.. I hate that I will never see my husband walk our first born down the aisle. He is taking me out of town this weekend. Just us.. none of our babies and no Unravel work either. Just us..
I am both excited and nervous. But I know how much I need this time with just he and I. . and her.. I can’t help it. I hope she is there with us.
We were fluttered .. like a super duper flutter. And it is incredible.
I was lucky enough to speak at a event for Dr Olsen last night in San Francisco and got home late. Pulling in the headlights shone on the lawn and it light up a lawn full of colorful dragonflies. Simply amazing. I was shocked and couldn’t wait for my kids to see it. We “left” for preschool 10 minutes early so that we could have time to play in the yard.
Their reactions were priceless. Nicholas came first and was just so excited about getting a new book I think he missed all the dragonflies..but when he saw, he got so excited for his big brother to come see it. When he got out there he just kept yelling WOW!
Jonathan stopped in the doorway.. with the biggest widest smile on his face. He was so happy. Then they all went exploring looking and talking about each one. He kept saying
I love it!
The appreciation for all of it was immediate.. But as I sat on our front steps the enormity of it all hit me.. This was all because of her. Because Jennifer is not here anymore. She is gone.
why her? why my daughter? why not somebody else?
I know that’s horrible. I know how selfish it is to wish it wasn’t mine. But I do. And that fear of it happening again is a large part of my motivation to try to unravel pediatric cancer. I am not some lovely person who just gives and does for other. I am selfish .. I am a mother that realized the danger to my kids and my one day grandkids I hope to have … and I am doing whatever I can to protect them.
I cried. Because I saw in sparkly wings that people care.. about my family .. about me.. about my Jennifer. And I ached. So terribly for it not to be true. What I wouldn’t give to turn it all back.. to just have her.
the way you posed for pictures with a big wide open mouth..
I never understood why you did that..
I never thought to ask
I miss every little thing about you
Jonathan caught me crying.. and I saw his face fall .. and I felt a wave of guilt come over me. Guilt that I was stealing away this precious fun moment for him. But I could see his internal wheels turning and he said
“oh are you crying because you are happy? Sad she isn’t here but happy we are?”
I can’t say that evolved and insightful answer erased all the guilt but it certainly chipped away at it. I never ever want them to feel I love her more.. but I also want them to see its ok to hurt.. even big hurts. I want them to know how much I love all 4 of my children..
help me show them sissy
help them know
whisper to all of us
When I got home this evening and saw the dragonflies I wondered if people will remember us in years to come still…I hate that I do that. I hate that my future fear is so big.. you would think I have learned that the future is up in the air and something I have limited control over. But those that were kind enough to flutter our home. Please know we welcome it again next year! (I just had to say it)
We hung it up outside and they played in the gigantic swarm.. I sat and watched these dragonflies sparkling.. and every time the wind blew they gently swayed in the wind.. and so did something inside of me.. Like a longing.. or .. I don’t even know. .. but watching them with my children’s joyful noises.. it impacted me somehow.
I took a lot of pictures today.. the sun was in many of them. I know it is logically explained.. the streaks you can see.. but somehow I think she had something to do with it.
Thats what it was. She was there. In a while different way that I can’t even imagine but I knew it.. Its why it was so hard to leave every time I drove away.. its why I had such a desire to just be out there..
my baby .. my never will be a bride girl..
..until there is a cure..