..always a flower girl..

Its our 10 yr anniversary. I adore my husband. He drives me nuttier than anybody I have ever known.. but also fulfills me in a ways I didn’t know I was lacking. All day though I remember her.. what a great wife she would have been.

What a beautiful bride.. I hate that I will never see my husband walk our first born down the aisle. He is taking me out of town this weekend. Just us.. none of our babies and no Unravel work either. Just us..

I am both excited and nervous. But I know how much I need this time with just he and I. . and her.. I can’t help it. I hope she is there with us.

We were fluttered .. like a super duper flutter. And it is incredible.

I was lucky enough to speak at a event for Dr Olsen last night in San Francisco and got home late. Pulling in the headlights shone on the lawn and it light up a lawn full of colorful dragonflies. Simply amazing. I was shocked and couldn’t wait for my kids to see it. We “left” for preschool 10 minutes early so that we could have time to play in the yard.

Their reactions were priceless. Nicholas came first and was just so excited about getting a new book I think he missed all the dragonflies..but when he saw, he got so excited for his big brother to come see it. When he got out there he just kept yelling WOW!

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Jonathan stopped in the doorway.. with the biggest widest smile on his face. He was so happy. Then they all went exploring looking and talking about each one. He kept saying

I love it!

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The appreciation for all of it was immediate.. But as I sat on our front steps the enormity of it all hit me.. This was all because of her. Because Jennifer is not here anymore. She is gone.

why her? why my daughter? why not somebody else?

I know that’s horrible. I know how selfish it is to wish it wasn’t mine. But I do. And that fear of it happening again is a large part of my motivation to try to unravel pediatric cancer. I am not some lovely person who just gives and does for other. I am selfish .. I am a mother that realized the danger to my kids and my one day grandkids I hope to have … and I am doing whatever I can to protect them.

I cried. Because I saw in sparkly wings that people care.. about my family .. about me.. about my Jennifer. And I ached. So terribly for it not to be true. What I wouldn’t give to turn it all back.. to just have her.

my jennifer..

the way you posed for pictures with a big wide open mouth..

I never understood why you did that..

I never thought to ask

I miss every little thing about you

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Jonathan caught me crying.. and I saw his face fall .. and I felt a wave of guilt come over me. Guilt that I was stealing away this precious fun moment for him. But I could see his internal wheels turning and he said

“oh are you crying because you are happy? Sad she isn’t here but happy we are?”

I can’t say that evolved and insightful answer erased all the guilt but it certainly chipped away at it. I never ever want them to feel I love her more.. but I also want them to see its ok to hurt.. even big hurts. I want them to know how much I love all 4 of my children..

help me show them sissy

help them know

whisper to all of us

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When I got home this evening and saw the dragonflies I wondered if  people  will remember us in years to come still…I hate that I do that. I hate that my future fear is so big.. you would think I have learned that the future is up in the air and something I have limited control over. But those that were kind enough to flutter our home. Please know we welcome it again next year! (I just had to say it)

 They made a thank you card.. I have never seen them work so long together on a art project like this. I think they really felt the thankfulness.swarm6

It's really sinking in.. He knows what we are trying to do.. what he is helping to do. We talked about his willingness to share our story and the impact it makes.
It’s really sinking in.. He knows what we are trying to do.. what he is helping to do. We talked about his willingness to share our story and the impact it makes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We hung it up outside and they played in the gigantic swarm.. I sat and watched these dragonflies sparkling.. and every time the wind blew they gently swayed in the wind.. and so did something inside of me.. Like a longing.. or .. I don’t even know. .. but watching them with my children’s joyful noises.. it impacted me somehow.

I took a lot of pictures today.. the sun was in many of them. I know it is logically explained.. the streaks you can see.. but somehow I think she had something to do with it.

Thats what it was. She was there. In a while different way that I can’t even imagine but I knew it.. Its why it was so hard to leave every time I drove away.. its why I had such a desire to just be out there..

my baby .. my never will be a bride girl..

Jennifer

flower girl

..until there is a cure..

16 Responses to “..always a flower girl..”

  1. Happy 10th Anniversary to you both! You’ve been pillars of strength for each other, your family and the community. You deserve time away together and I hope you enjoy every second of it.

  2. wow! that is phenomenal! The look on the kids’ faces is priceless! It’s so wonderful that Jonathan connected the dots in a way that made it work for him – and you are amazing! enjoy your weekend!

  3. Happy 10th Anniversary to you and Tony. I hope you both enjoy your time together. We love you all. ♡♡♡♡♡♡.

  4. Enjoy your time together. I am speaking for myself, but I am sure others will agree…I will still care in a year, ten years….until there is a cure.

  5. Love love love. Happy anniversary to you. Love that photo of beautiful Jennifer. And what a sweet, insightful little boy Jonathan is.

  6. My oldest is 6. Those long nights of no sleeping i spent a l Iot of time on my baby board. A woman due a few months after me went into early labor. Long and short, baby was born 7 weeks early and mom died of what is assumed to be a massive pulmonary embolism. Dad blogged his journey. I STILL read his blog.

    My point? Your Jennifer and your dear family will NOT be forgotten.

    I bought a kit but nursing school afforded me no time. I cannot wait for next year so my family can actually be a part of the fun. I’ve already got big plans. So yeah, i know what Sept will look like in my neck of the woods.
    love & prayers

  7. I wouldn’t want it to be my child either, or my grand-child..selfish? No, it is real. You and your family have been through the worse thing that could ever happen to anyone, the loss of a child, the loss of your precious Jennifer. I join you in this deep desire to end childhood cancer because I watch and pray for so many children lost to their battles with too few survivors. It must end. And the end begins with those who take up the mantle and demands change, demands funding, screams to all who will listen and even those who won’t our children dying is NOT acceptable. Jennifer will not be forgotten, she is a bright and shining star who inspires the best in people to come out and do their best for children like her.

    That being said, I am so happy you and your family were fluttered, I am so happy that Jonathan gets the importance of what is happening (though sad at his age he does). Happy Anniversary to you and Tony, may you have a wonderful weekend and may God wrap his love and comfort around you and your family as you continue this journey. <3

  8. Amazing….what a vista, that lawn FILLED with dragonflies…all the light and magic and your kids’ faces…beautiful. The world will always stand in solidarity with you and your family. Have a wonderful anniversary.

  9. Happy Anniversary! Hoping you have a nice weekend together with lots of angel visits…you are truly an inspiration Libby!

  10. So glad that our dragonflies could be a part of the super swarm. What a powerful sight to see them glittering on your lawn. With Jennifer – for Jennifer – because of Jennifer – we all selfishly feel drawn to act because we don’t want it to be one of our own. Thank you for showing us the way. So sorry that you have been given this lead role. I, for one, feel the support and action is just getting started. Just the beginning of years to come.

  11. A few of those dragonflies are from us! We drove by the other day to see them-it was MAGICAL. I bet Jennifer loved seeing them. So glad to see your boys and Charlotte loved them-the look on his face! so adorable. And he is wise beyond his years. I hope you all felt the love we sent along with our dragonflies!

  12. So gorgeous! Love that you were fluttered. Hugs to all 6 and still thinking about you all and praying for a cure!

    Happy 10th Anniversary.

    XOXO

  13. You are amazing for what you are doing! Through all the hurt, you are inspiring and helping others. Well done and thank you!

    I hope you have a wonderful anniversary! Enjoy every minute – Jennifer would want you too. Sending you love and hugs xxxx

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