We had a wonderful anniversary trip. We walked and spent time together.. and we struggled and we fought as we tried to figure out how to navigate missing the same 6 year old girl in such vastly different ways.
I need to talk about her. About all the memories and the moments. Tony needs to escape it more often then not. He looked at this weekend as a time to get some respite from our grief.. A chance to be husband and wife for 48 hours.
I looked at it as a time to grieve together.. uninterrupted.. A chance to be mommy and daddy to a girl in heaven.
We were both right in what the trip should have been..
The thing is we both failed to share our expectations with each other.. both assuming the other had the same mindset. It all came out over dinner on Saturday .. when I was staring at a fish tank that took me back to some horrible memories. Walking in the night along the beach together we shared what we both need. .. and how we can give that to each other.. after a few f-bombs were also exchanged I am sure. I honestly can’t recall that part.
But I do remember stopping and watching the waves glittering in the night. The moon reflecting looked like giant specks of glitter moving and dancing.. mesmerizing.
I do remember holding his hand.. talking.. crying.. silence.. laughing.
We have to be so on top of our marital game to keep this from destroying us.. a huge fear I have.. but not one of Tony’s. He trusts in how committed we are to each other and this family of ours. And I appreciate him so much for it.
Although I am scared I have faith we will stick together through all of this , I know we are forever changed and that means rewriting the rules. In all areas of our lives really. . Nothing is untouched.
We didn’t just lose our daughter 7 months ago. . We lost our entire lives… every single relationship is changed turned upside down and inside out. .Some can’t handle this level of grief.. some don’t know what to say or do.. but many.. they love us. They love her and they are sucked into their own pain and loss. And the thing is I don’t have the energy to work on making sure those survive.. and are ok. I know its awful and selfish. I want people to care.. I want people to invest in me.. but I simply do not have it to give back. It takes all of me to keep the 5 of us afloat. . To maintain us.
…and I think I am realizing that may not change anytime soon. 1 yr will not be a magical point that losing her is somehow better.. soothed.. Quite likely the 2nd year will be harder than the newness of the first. Unfortunately I will find that out soon enough.
We lost everything we once had when she took her last breath…
We lost our children’s innocence.. we lost relationships. . we lost Christmas.. We are in that magical time.. when they believe so wholly in Santa.. when they actually understand it enough.. but not too much. 5 and 3 and 1. .. and forever 6. I remember sitting in my hotel in Palo Alto.. writing.. trying to brace myself for the unbraceable. I remember writing this. .
i hope i was right baby girl
i hope he is there..
i hope you are ok
It is so hard not knowing .. so completely unnatural to not know what its like where your 6 yr old is.. To not feel her arms for so long..
I thought of Jennifer constantly while we were gone.. I shared about her and Unravel with some other people staying at the Inn with us. On the last morning I went for a run on the beach.. Lyrics came through those headphones.. singing to me .. sometimes it felt like messages from her. So I sang along.. and I spoke to her.. and the ocean and the sky seemed to mimic how I felt. Grey.. heavy and churning ..full of energy.. power.. emotion.
Still in half moon bay driving past where the pumpkin festival is I thought about if we should come.. but then quickly decided against it, after all I am sure most of the fun is eating the food and I there would likely be little gluten free food she could have.
It was like a car slamming on the brakes.. The realization piercing into me..
she is not there.
she is not waiting for me
Even though I talked about her.. missed her throughout our trip it was just natural for my mind and heart to pretend. To feel like all my 4 babies were at home waiting for me.
its the sudden hits that are the worst the ones. I went to Ross today for Tony, walking in we saw all the Halloween stuff immediately there. I wanted to grab the kids and run screaming out. My ears started pounding… my heart beating so quickly.. I remembered shopping there last year. I remembered trying to buy stuff that would be good for Halloween and also serve as decorations for her upcoming birthday party.. I remembered when money was my biggest worry. I don’t even know where any of that stuff is I so painstakingly picked out …
Luckily what I was looking for was also right in the front so I was able to play it off and hustle my 3 littlest kids to the car.. It took me a few minutes of sitting in the car letting them eat snacks to shake the haunting remembering off of me. To get back in the present with them. Till now.. when I have the time and space to allow myself to remember.
i hope you see me cry
and know so much more than me..
know that it will all be ok.
i miss you
..until there is a cure..