Last week we went to the cemetery for our first picnic, just me and the kids.
Jonathan’s request. He asked to skip preschool to go there and I promised right after we picked him up we could go. That seemed to assuage him and the picnic plan made him really happy. On the drive to school the boys asked questions.. I found myself explaining to my 5 and 3 yr olds that just like they have a bedroom in our home.. sissy has a grave in the cemetery..
The gravity of that sentence made my stomach lurch. . but the boys seemed to relate well to it.
My daughter.. has a grave like they have a bedroom.. a room that was once hers..
There is another little girl buried near our Jennifer. She was almost 2. It was recently her birthday..Happy birthday Emily.15 years they have had to celebrate their baby girls birth without her with them.
15 yrs. It hit me. Baby Charlotte will be driving a car in 15 yrs. .. But Jennifer will still be 6. She will still be gone. Time and life will keep moving but she remains the same .. in a way I can’t even comprehend .. and I remain forever the mom of a 6 yr old. I saw some older people driving through the cemetery and I imagined one day with my hair turned gray.. driving to see my 6 yr old daughter.
I got so scared of time and the future. Of how long a lifetime really might be.. And that although 7 months feels like so long.. I am just in the beginning.. the very beginning of this new life. Thats both a comforting and a horrifying thought.
I guess when it comes to this new life I am a lot like a 7 month old..One day maybe I will walk.. but right now I can’t even imagine it ever happening. I realize it all starts with crawling. .. learning to move one limb, learning to make it work in conjunction with all the other ones. Every child crawls a little bit differently and I think its a lot like that for bereaved parents. But before we crawl it all really starts with a want for it… a desire to move and the determination to make it happen.
I am not there yet. I have to allow that.. There is no reliable timeline .. Right now I have to be ok with that. I have to accept that the desire to eventually want to move is all I capable of right now. But I promise never to stop on this wretched journey.. because of my
….until there is a cure..