crawl

Last week we went to the cemetery for our first picnic, just me and the kids.

Jonathan’s request. He asked to skip preschool to go there and I promised right after we picked him up we could go. That seemed to assuage him and the picnic plan made him really happy. On the drive to school the boys asked questions.. I found myself explaining to my 5 and 3 yr olds that just like they have a bedroom in our home.. sissy has a grave in the cemetery..

The gravity of that sentence made my stomach lurch. . but the boys seemed to relate well to it.

My daughter.. has a grave like they have a bedroom.. a room that was once hers..

There is another little girl buried near our Jennifer. She was almost 2. It was recently her birthday..Happy birthday Emily.15 years they have had to celebrate their baby girls birth without her with them.

15 yrs. It hit me. Baby Charlotte will be driving a car in 15 yrs. .. But Jennifer will still be 6. She will still be gone. Time and life will keep moving but she remains the same ..  in a way I can’t even comprehend .. and I remain forever the mom of a 6 yr old. I saw some older people driving through the cemetery and I imagined one day with my hair turned gray.. driving to see my 6 yr old daughter.

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I got so scared of time and the future. Of how long a lifetime really might be.. And that although 7 months feels like so long.. I am just in the beginning.. the very beginning of this new life. Thats both a comforting and a horrifying thought.

 

I guess when it comes to this new life I am a lot like a 7 month old..One day maybe I will walk.. but right now I can’t even imagine it ever happening. I realize it all starts with crawling. .. learning to move one limb, learning to make it work in conjunction with all the other ones. Every child crawls a little bit differently and I think its a lot like that for bereaved parents. But before we crawl it all really starts with a want for it… a desire to move and the determination to make it happen.

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I am not there yet. I have to allow that.. There is no reliable timeline .. Right now I have to be ok with that. I have to accept that the desire to eventually want to move is all I capable of right now. But I promise never to stop on this wretched journey.. because of my

Tony

Jonathan

Nicholas

Charlotte and

our Jennifer

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….until there is a cure..

16 Responses to “crawl”

  1. We’ll be here, Libby, rooting for you to develop the desire to crawl and then walk. When I pray, I ask God to continue to give you the strength you need.

    I love the smile and the outfit Jennifer is sporting in the last photo. Hugs.

  2. I read this tonight and it made me think of Jennifer immediately. It was written by Charles Darwin after the loss of his ten-year-old daughter, Annie. “We have lost the joy of the household, and the solace of our old age…. Oh that she could now know how deeply, how tenderly we do still & and shall ever love her dear joyous face.”
    Still here. Love to you Kranz family- all 6.

  3. We love picnics there! My kids used to run and play, filling the air with laughter and love. People would have an opinion and I would say screw that. It’s one of my parenting yes’s. To visit and honor our loved ones. I am the tender of our family’s stones. I walk our areas at least once a month, more if I’m feeling the need to. E and S are on my loop. Jennifer will be too.

    It’s ok to crawl, walk, run, and also to just stand still. We are with you all. <3

  4. Libby, I love that photo of JLK! Her smile is beyond BEAUTIFUL!! I am still here, reading every single word. Still praying and thinking of the Kranz family…daily! I will always be here for you! So much love4jlk

  5. This child that inspires me daily I will always treasure . I treasure the stories, the pictures with all the sparkles, that smile! Libby , we are here for you, thank you for sharing Jennifer and the younger babies with us. I truly believe, Jennifer will live in our hearts until the end of time.

  6. I absolutely love that bottom photo of JLK (although the 7 months photo is seriously adorable as well). Although obviously a very difficult journey than yours, I also find myself longing to be at the end of my years sometimes. I recently lost my mom, my very best friend for all of my 30 years…I never went a single day in my life without speaking to her. I have no idea how I will be able to complete this journey called “life” without her. I understand how painful it is to have death break the mother/child bond on earth. Somehow, deep in me, I know that everyone must die and earth is but our “temporary home” while we wait to be called to our true, eternal home. I pray for both you and your family, as well as myself, to be able to deal with our losses and still carry on…for those that love us, both the ones that are still with us, and the ones that are already waiting for us in Heaven. I follow your journey of grief because you have a way to put the pain in words, words that I haven’t been able to come up with myself. I also feel deeply connected to Jennifer. She looks so much like my own daughter, who is almost 5 and was very close to her late grandmother. I can’t help but to hope that my wonderful mother in Heaven can help take care of sweet Jennifer until you are able to be with her again.

  7. Praying for God to give you whatever strength you need, to crawl, to walk, even just to breathe. Strength and peace. And I must agree with everyone else. Every time I see a photo of Jennifer I think for a minute just how breathtakingly beautiful she is. Inside and out

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