I burnt myself tonight pulling a batch of gluten free cupcakes out of the oven. Cupcakes we baked for a birthday girl that is no longer here.
A party that won’t just be filled with all her first grade buddies..Its not even really a birthday party .. its a thank you to all the people that have cared about us over the past year.. We are so very very grateful.
I thought it was a good idea..
Now I’m not so sure. I look at the balloons I bought with my 3 littlest.. for the big sister they will eventually outgrow.
She loved to decorate the things I baked . They never looked pretty but she was always so very proud .. I will do it with all 3 of her siblings tomorrow. I will give Nicholas his own tray since I know he will stick his fingers in them. And I will be sure to give Jonathan lots of time so he can get them just right. Charlotte I will just make sure I have enough time to bathe her afterwards!
I will make memories with them because of her.
How is this possible? How is this happening?
I miss her so much. I want to feel her. I want her to feel me. I feel so distant from her. Like somehow she is slipping further away from me. ..
..like anything could be further than death. .
Jonathan pulled out Charlotte’s outfit for tomorrow. Her shirt is a picture of both of his sisters. I stared at it.. at how much Charlotte has changed since Jennifer died. She has already missed so much..
8 months on Sunday.
this is so hard. why is it still getting harder?.. its getting so much harder.. .
Jonathan can almost swim. He was always so scared of the water.. she would have been so proud of him. Nicholas is being difficult .. she would have helped me. She could always get through to her brothers when I couldn’t. And baby Charlotte.. oh she is just full of firsts.. Jennifer always loved watching the firsts ..
Our niece posted a video of our 3 biggest dancing . . I hear her laugh.. I see their joy in these grainy 29 seconds. Such a lightness my Jonathan had then. He just doesn’t move the same way..
I lost all my children on February 12th.
I couldn’t save them.
I have always thought how I failed her by not doing something before it was one of my own.
Thats not really the whole truth is it?
I failed all of them.
oh i’m sorry.
i’m sorry i’m sorry
i am so so sorry.
…until there is a cure..