party

I burnt myself tonight pulling a batch of gluten free cupcakes out of the oven. Cupcakes we baked for a birthday girl that is no longer here.

A party that won’t just be filled with all her first grade buddies..Its not even really a birthday party .. its a thank you to all the people that have cared about us over the past year.. We are so very very grateful.

I thought it was a good idea..

Now I’m not so sure. I look at the balloons I bought with my 3 littlest.. for the big sister they will eventually outgrow.

sorry6She loved to decorate the things I baked . They never looked pretty but she was always so very proud .. I will do it with all 3 of her siblings tomorrow. I will give Nicholas his own tray since I know he will stick his fingers in them. And I will be sure to give Jonathan lots of time so he can get them just right. Charlotte I will just make sure I have enough time to bathe her afterwards!

I will make memories with them because of her.

How is this possible? How is this happening?

I miss her so much. I want to feel her. I want her to feel me. I feel so distant from her. Like somehow she is slipping further away from me. ..

..like anything could be further than death. .

Jonathan pulled out Charlotte’s outfit for tomorrow. Her shirt is a picture of both of his sisters. I stared at it.. at how much Charlotte has changed since Jennifer died. She has already missed so much..

 

8 months on Sunday.

this is so hard. why is it still getting harder?.. its getting so much harder.. .

Jonathan can almost swim. He was always so scared of the water.. she would have been so proud of him. Nicholas is being difficult .. she would have helped me. She could always get through to her brothers when I couldn’t. And baby Charlotte.. oh she is just full of firsts.. Jennifer always loved watching the firsts ..

She would have loved playing in the water with him.
She would have loved playing in the water with him.

 

Cute/dirty tear/stained face.
Cute/dirty / tear stained face.

 

first real S'mores. one of her sissy's favorites.
first real S’mores. one of her sissy’s favorites.

Our niece posted a video of our 3 biggest dancing . . I hear her laugh.. I see their joy in these grainy 29 seconds. Such a lightness my Jonathan had then.  He just doesn’t move the same way..

I lost all my children on February 12th.

I couldn’t save them.

 I have always thought how I failed her by not doing something before it was one of my own.

Thats not really the whole truth is it?

I failed all of them.

oh i’m sorry.

i’m sorry i’m sorry

i am so so sorry.

sorry2

…until there is a cure..

 

16 Responses to “party”

  1. I am so sorry too- it was NEVER a fair fight…cancer is an ugly monster and hopefully we find a cure for our babies. You are a true inspiration Libby and I hope she visits you and your family at the party today. Happy Birthday sweet baby girl.
    LOVE4JLK

  2. Libby, you absolutely did not fail them. It happened to many mothers before you and unfortunately it will happen to many more in the years to come. We’re all just doing the best we can BUT because of you, our best may be just a little bit better. We will get there because of you and Jennifer. Enjoy her party today, you all deserve it. I so wish I could be there.
    Jennifer

  3. I’m so deeply saddened and sorry for your loss. I don’t know you guys all too well but I know friends who know you. I have followed this story for awhile and it breaks my heart everyone. This blog gave me tears. I know she is watching down on all of you with love and care. There will always be a place in everyone’s heart for her. It’s hard to fathom the loss of a child but God has a plan. Rejoice in knowing you will be walking the streets of gold with her one day in heaven. I’m here if you need someone.
    Sincerely a person you don’t know who cares❤

  4. Libby please do not even begin to think you failed any of your children especially Jennifer. You know that cancer always shows up when its already too late. You had no way of knowing and it is so unfair to think you failed Jennifer, Johnathan, Nicolas or Charlotte. You are a wonderful and loving mom and there is nothing you could of done different to get a different result. Cancer is what it is. It takes lives and it ruins families. You and Tony are working at keeping your family together and each other. You are there for your kids and you are there for your partner. We always will feel like we could of done more, caught it sooner, better doctors this is what alot of us go through that have had family members that are attacked from that monster disease. At the end of the day that disease is a disease that has no mercy. Please do not beat your self up thinking there was more you could have done. You did all you could of done and there were no warnings until it was too late. Not your fault. You are making a difference now to help to find a cure. You are so generous to donate Jennifer’s tumor to help them study and hopefully find something that could make this monster go away. You did and are doing everything and no matter what it will never be enough because you lost your sweet Jennifer. Just enjoy your day that you planned and know how much people appreciate all you are doing and Jennifer is so proud of you. Let this be a good day that you enjoy with your sweet family and with all the people that have grown to love you and your family. I wish I lived closer so I could be there to give you a hug. I am sending a virtual hug and I am saying a prayer that today will be a beautiful memory and not a day of sadness. <3 <3

  5. Oh my heart…you did not fail them. A horrible, random thing happened and you all fell down. But you are picking yourselves back up. You are showing them that sometimes the unthinkable happens, and what you do next can make all the difference in the world. I am convinced – beyond any shadow of a doubt – that you are changing the world. Your voice is loud and clear and your words are true and you are making a difference. We carry you all in our hearts every day.

  6. Libby, you did not fail them. You are not failing them. Your strength amazes me and I am inspired by your words and the stories you share to do more. Do better. As always, I am right here beside you thinking of you, all 6 of you on this 12th.
    Jennifer. Jennifer. Jennifer.

  7. Many many prayers today and everyday. You are doing the best you can. And from what I see, you’re doing an amazing job with your 3 younger babes. I see love, laughter, pain, joy…it all comes thru your words and your pictures. I’m so sorry, no one should experience this pain..but you and your family are moving mountains.

  8. You have failed no one…..You have no idea, please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a wonderful mother.. When you know better, you do better. You are doing better, your kids are doing better, everyone who reads your story is doing better because of you, because of your willingness to share, to help us all understand, to know to want to help make that change possible! You Libby you are doing all this good!!! xoxooxoxooxoxo

  9. Oh Libby…. you have failed no one.
    Of all your posts I’ve read I think this one breaks my heart most of all.
    Darling you have failed no one. You were tackling a war no one could beat – yet.

    You will succeed. And that will be JLK’s legacy.
    x

  10. I’m sorry too. For all that you have lost. So so so sorry. It was never fair and you and Jennifer never had the chance to fight that you should have had. But I agree with Mel. You will find a way to give others that chance. And we will help you. We will help you because of Jennifer, your brown eyed beauty

  11. It just kills me you feel you should’ve been involved in the pediatric cancer fight before Jennifer was diagnosed, as if that would have brought the proper karma and changed things. The fact is, we ALL shuddered and turned our faces away from that reality, fastened bright eyes on our own healthy children, until cancer hit close to home. I can’t and won’t turn away now, because of Jennifer. But if Jennifer hadn’t died, I doubtless would still be whistling and pretending cancer was something people far, far away have to battle.

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