I used to love the Fall.. love when the seasons started to change and the weather got a little crisper.. Loved it getting dark earlier.. I hate it. I hate all of it.
Its just leading to horrible days.. ones that used to be so full of joy .. that I am terrified of having to go through. A birthday without her .. Halloween without her.. thanksgiving and christmas and new years.. all without her.. and as time marches and the weather gets colder.. we hit the anniversary .. is there seriously no other word for it?!?! of her death.
I used to love halloween. She was due on halloween.. Its not just a reminder that she is not here. For me its more with halloween. Its all the decorations. Tombstones and skeletons.. ghosts and zombies … all things to say that death is scary.
…but Jennifer is dead… i don’t want it to be scary…
I feel like a child when I say that. It comes from the very depths of me.. A somehow still innocent place deep inside. Its the part that begs.. pleads.. for all of this not to be true. .. Believing somehow my hopes can make the impossible a reality.
I was always so spooked out by the cemetery. Even the fake headstones that cover front lawns kinda freaked me out. Now I picnic on one. I take my kids and we clean a headstone together.. and blow bubbles .
My boys seem unfazed by it all. I wonder when they will question why headstones are scary.. Why they are used to be haunting decorations. . I wonder what I will come up with as a answer..
After her birthday celebration.. (I have written about it just haven’t shared it yet) we took a quick break at home and headed to Gilroy Gardens. We heard about a the opportunity to make a scarecrow and asked 2 friends totally last minute to make one.
I hadn’t told the kids and we walked along the bridge looking at all of them. As we approached I saw it. I was even from a distance stunned. So was somebody else since they stopped to take a picture with their daughter with it! So I distracted the boys so we could have a ‘private’ moment to look at it.
I made a mistake though. It was too much for Jonathan. After her party.. it was simply too much.. I should have warned him about it. So Tony took him further into the park and I took some pics. I hate it. I hate begin wrong. I hate being the one to cause him more pain. But I learn. Each and every time.. I learn.
The kids had a good time. Played in mazes and took turns with Daddy and Mommy going through the waterfall. It was just a mellow time. We all needed that. And on the way out they wanted to stop and look at Jennifer’s scarecrow. We looked and talked about every detail.. I was happy that they got to see and appreciate it like I did.
How much I wish there was no need for it. How much I wish from that deep and still place that it was all 6 of us in this picture.. not just a representation of our oldest.
The next day was another 12th.. another time to do something for them because of her. I woke up just exhausted. A full nights sleep doing nothing to touch my weariness. Days of hard crying is hard work. But it was the 12th so we got up and got moving. Tony and I were a great team.. 45 minutes behind schedule and we were ok with that (a rarity in this house!)
This time I wanted it to be a place I could picture her.. remember her.. A place I could say her feet stepped and her little hands touched. So we took them to the Oakland zoo. Petting zoo and train rides.. the 2 musts of the day for me. It was a good time for our family. A day for me that was full of old memories and the creation of new ones. I missed her and I enjoyed them. I think and I hope they all enjoyed me as well.
We went out for our traditional 12th dessert and I called out to her as I left the house.
cold yogurt baby girl
I try not to pause when I do that. try not to listen too hard for her to answer. But I always do. I always will .
That innocent genuine place inside me will always be there. .hoping and wishing and wanting a way to erase it all. To have her back in my arms.
remember when i told you 8 was my favorite number
how we practiced writing it?
please answer me baby..
… until there is a cure..