8 months

I used to love the Fall.. love when the seasons started to change and the weather got a little crisper.. Loved it getting dark earlier.. I hate it. I hate all of it.

Its just leading to horrible days.. ones that used to be so full of joy .. that I am terrified of having to go through. A birthday without her .. Halloween without her.. thanksgiving and christmas and new years.. all without her.. and as time marches and the weather gets colder.. we hit the anniversary .. is there seriously no other word for it?!?! of her death.

no.

no.

no.

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I used to love halloween. She was due on halloween.. Its not just a reminder that she is not here. For me its more with halloween. Its all the decorations. Tombstones and skeletons.. ghosts and zombies … all things to say that death is scary.

…but Jennifer is dead… i don’t want it to be scary…

I feel like a child when I say that. It comes from the very depths of me.. A somehow still innocent place deep inside. Its the part that begs.. pleads.. for all of this not to be true. .. Believing somehow my hopes can make the impossible a reality.

I was always so spooked out by the cemetery. Even the fake headstones that cover front lawns kinda freaked me out. Now I picnic on one. I take my kids and we clean a headstone together.. and blow bubbles .

My boys seem unfazed by it all. I wonder when they will question why headstones are scary.. Why they are used to be haunting decorations. . I wonder what I will come up with as a answer..

After her birthday celebration.. (I have written about it just haven’t shared it yet) we took a quick break at home and headed to Gilroy Gardens.  We heard about a the opportunity to make a scarecrow and asked 2 friends totally last minute to make one.

I hadn’t told the kids and we walked along the bridge looking at all of them. As we approached I saw it. I was even from a distance stunned. So was somebody else since they stopped to take a picture with their daughter with it! So I distracted the boys so we could have a ‘private’ moment to look at it.

I made a mistake though. It was too much for Jonathan. After her party.. it was simply too much.. I should have warned him about it. So Tony took him further into the park and I took some pics. I hate it. I hate begin wrong. I hate being the one to cause him more pain. But I learn. Each and every time.. I learn.

The kids had a good time. Played in mazes and took turns with Daddy and Mommy going through the waterfall. It was just a mellow time. We all needed that. And on the way out they wanted to stop and look at Jennifer’s scarecrow. We looked and talked about every detail.. I was happy that they got to see and appreciate it like I did.

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How much I wish there was no need for it. How much I wish from that deep and still place that it was all 6 of us in this picture.. not just a representation of our oldest.

The next day was another 12th.. another time to do something for them because of her. I woke up just exhausted. A full nights sleep doing nothing to touch my weariness. Days of hard crying is hard work. But it was the 12th so we got up and got moving. Tony and I were a great team.. 45 minutes behind schedule and we were ok with that (a rarity in this house!)

This time I wanted it to be a place I could picture her.. remember her.. A place I could say her feet stepped and her little hands touched. So we took them to the Oakland zoo. Petting zoo and train rides.. the 2 musts of the day for me. It was a good time for our family. A day for me that was full of old memories and the creation of new ones. I missed her and I enjoyed them. I think and I hope they all enjoyed me as well.

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Sharing with each other
and now they teach her.

 

 

 

 

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Sharing. we taught her.. she taught them

 

 

 

 

 

 

We went out for our traditional 12th dessert and I called out to her as I left the house.

cold yogurt baby girl

I try not to pause when I do that. try not to listen too hard for her to answer. But I always do. I always will .

That innocent genuine place inside me will always be there. .hoping and wishing and wanting a way to erase it all. To have her back in my arms.

8 months.

remember when i told you 8 was my favorite number

how we practiced writing it?

remember?

jennifer lynn

honey..

please answer me baby..

please.

please.

please.

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… until there is a cure..

22 Responses to “8 months”

  1. Yes Libby… until there is a cure. ..and beyond that…we will always be here for you, for JLK, for all 6 of you! I will fight, I will support, I will make all those around me aware, because Libby, what you go through daily, I never ever want to!

  2. Libby you and your family of 6 will forever be in my heart and not a single day goes by that I don’t think of Jennifer and your family always in my thoughts and never forgotten.

  3. I had to think of a celebration they do especially in Mexico – “Dia de los Muertos celebrates the lives of the deceased with food, drink, parties, and activities the dead enjoyed in life”
    and another quote I found “The essence of this beautiful ritual is to lovingly and happily remember the dead relatives, their life, and in this way, give meaning and continuity to human existence.”
    You are already celebrating Jennifers life and with your blog and your work towards a cure you give meaning to this cruel death of your beautiful daughter. It will always be hard to “celebrate” and you will always grieve but I hope it will stop to get harder and eventually that it will become at least a tiny bit less hard! Thinking of your family but also of all the other families going through the same.

  4. Still reading and thinking. Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer.

    I would love to get to Gilroy Gardens to see Jennifer’s scarecrow!!

  5. Libby. You, Tony, Jonathan, Nicholas, Charlotte and especially Jennifer will be forever in my heart and on my mind. I think about you all everyday. I wish too you had her back. I will continue to do what I can to help in the fight against this awful disease. On the 12th my daughter Eva and I did a balloon release for Jennifer. We both wrote messages on them to her. I will continue to do it every month. We love you all so very much. ♡

  6. When I dont see a post from you I get worried. I think you are so tired of being sad and you have had enough. I will never stop reading your posts. I am so much more aware of this dreadful disease I knew nothing about till I started reading Love4JLK. I get so sad when you are fighting this sadness. I know it has to be so hard to maintain two different faces everyday. Happy face for your 3 living children and the face that you are so torn up inside that you don’t want to exist. You are by far a strong woman. You are by far a very generous woman. You donated the tumor that killed your daughter to try to find a cure to save other children and I know also that you are doing it so it will never happen to anyone close to you to loose a loved one. I don’t know that I could be so generous. I know it sounds selfish but maybe if I was you I would feel the same way. Your sadness is real for sure and the fact that you are so dedicated to your living children and your husband as a family amazes me. I know that when I lost my dad to lung cancer I didnt want to even get out of bed so I can not even begin to imagine how you do it. All I can say is my prayers are always with your family and hoping that God will ease your pain and lets you know your sweet beautiful baby girl Jennifer is in a place where she laughs and plays and never suffers. Hope to He lets you know that he has embraced her and she is looking forward until the day that she sees her family again. I pray that there will always be little signs to let you know she is close to you and that she will always be there one way or another with her family. Sending Hugs to you and your family and always praying for your family!!

  7. You are doing right Libby, you have a horrible road ahead, but you will do it, I have faith in you, in your strength. Your baby girl is with you every step of the way, holding your hand and heart. You will feel her- believe.
    How can we help you celebrate Jennifer’s birthday? Can we send Jennifer birthday cards? Can we send something for the J, N, C ?
    Always thinking of your family, praying and hoping!!! Sweet Jennifer!! xoxoxoxooxoxox

  8. I read your blog every time you post and my heart goes out to you and your family. I cannot imagine what you go through everyday, but I know that you are doing an amazing job to help improve the lives of so many other children and families. Thank you for that.

    Thank you for your pouring out your heart and being so open in your blog. You inspire me to be a better mom and to make the most out of every moment of everyday. You are an amazing woman and your strength and love for your family shines through in so many ways.

  9. Libby, one of these days, when you’re totally not expecting it, when you’re caught up with something else, you’ll hear Jennifer’s voice in your head, and you’ll question whether it’s really her or your imagination. It will be her.

    I have disliked the recent trend to make Halloween so ghoulish…it was never that way when I was young. Death is not scary…it’s just a door we walk through on our way to another stage of life. Jennifer is happy and safe; it’s not her in that grave…it’s just the remains of the body she used. Jennifer was not just her physical body… she was and is a beautiful, loving, happy, generous spirit, and she would not/does not want you to be sad. Yes, you miss her, and rightly so. But celebrate the beauty of life and the changing seasons. Celebrate HER life.

  10. My daughter was 2 when she passed away from a very rare immune disorder we had no idea she had until 24 hours before she was gone. It has been 5 years. I can very much, unfortunatley, relate to this post. Every word. I am so sorry for your loss and all of your wishes are mine.

  11. The picture of you at her grave literally takes my breath away. No mother should have to endure this but you are changing the future for our babies through Unravel. My girls and I truly enjoyed fluttering and together there WILL be a change.
    Lots and lots of prayer for all 6 of you.

  12. Speechlesss…..so sweet…..as your JLK….
    Shes loved and remembered…..
    As you are….all of you…..6 of you
    Thanks 4 sharing

  13. No words today. Just love. The same love that I believe that Jennifer feels every second of every day. Both yours and God’s. Please if there’s anything we can do to try and ease some of the burden of the coming dates please please ask

  14. One of the days we Fluttered, the family had already decorated their yard for Halloween. It was hard in many ways to place the dragonflies in the same place that these emblems and mementos of death were placed.

    I cried thinking of you waiting for an answer when you call out about the yogurt…dammit. It just isn’t fair. I’ll always remember. JENNIFER.

  15. Thank you, thank you for the honour and privilege to “meet” you and your incredible family. Your family of six. You are pouring out blessings without even knowing it. You have eliminated my fear of reaching out to the wounded I love. I have always felt uncomfortable with the very act of giving comfort. I always feared it wasn’t enough. And I see that it’s not, but nothing will ever be, so it’s to everyone’s best interests that I at least try. I thank you humbly Libby.

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