sorrow

*** I debated sharing this. I wrote it last week. Its just a snapshot. A time in the midst of my desperate sorrow I was able to write ***

my heart. sometimes i wonder if i can take this.

i miss her so much

so incredibly much more than i ever thought possible.

i cry and my body contorts.. forcefully .. against my will.

i have no control over it.

i wail . i sob.

noises i didn’t know i could make coming out of me.

i fold from the inside

i double over only to throw my body back again.

forcefully.

silence. pouring out of me.

a silence so deep and so dark

i am drenched .. soaking wet from my tears and sweat

when i miss her like this.. its consuming

my hands hurt..

from being clenched so tightly …

grinding into my forehead

pushing my head backwards into the couch

till I rise. I have to move.

only to collapse .. kneeling in front of my couch

so i pray..aloud and grunting..

and through my fingers.

please god help me. help me find the strength. help me understand. i don’t understand. oh god be real please be real. i need her again. i need you, please please please. i don’t know how to do this. i don’t know how to carry it all. please. please. oh please be real.

i squeeze and pull at myself.

clinging.. kneading..

needing. yearning.

i start to control my breathing. and i look around.

i hardly recognize the room..

i feel simultaneously like lead and like feathers..

no more crying.. i am aware now of the pressure in my head. the ache in my jaw. my eyes are swollen and my neck hurts. i know i will be sore tomorrow.

I would guess its been 5 minutes.. but I look at the clock and at least 30 have passed. In so many ways thats how I feel everything in this new life of mine is. ..

Feels like it just happened, like she was just here… but time is passing… life is happening. Yet somehow it also feels like she is a mirage.. something I imagined into being..

 I know this lifetime of mine will be the longest

and the shortest..

time bending beyond my understanding

and against my will.

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..until there is a cure..

32 Responses to “sorrow”

  1. ah, man. a love so all encompassing is what i hear from you. Jennifer was so lucky to have you and tony and the kids to love her with more than your heart somehow. We are with you, girl. hugs to you.

  2. It hurts to know your ache for her. I just don’t understand why God has taken her…she must have been so special for him to take her back so soon. I ball at the thought of you wanting to just be a mommy, to have the bliss of a loving wife & stay at home mom…only for it to be stripped away. I’m sorry, I don’t think I ever have the right words. I just have such a yearning for her to be back, to not have a reason to know your family. I wish I didn’t. I wish so badly that we were just strangers that never heard or knew of eachother. I do know that Jennifer has brought an unimaginable amount of people together, strengthened so many bonds between mothers & daughters. & created better mothers to their children…I don’t know anyone else that has left that kind of impact on this world. I love your family!

  3. It hurts to know your ache for her. I just don’t understand why God has taken her…she must have been so special for him to take her back so soon. I ball at the thought of you wanting to just be a mommy, to have the bliss of a loving wife & stay at home mom…only for it to be stripped away. I’m sorry, I don’t think I ever have the right words. I just have such a yearning for her to be back, to not have a reason to know your family. I wish I didn’t. I wish so badly that we were just strangers that never heard or knew of eachother. I do know that Jennifer has brought an unimaginable amount of people together, strengthened so many bonds between mothers & daughters. & created better mothers to their children…I don’t know anyone else that has had that kind of impact on this world! I love your family!

  4. Libby, I am glad you decided to share. I am thankful I was able to read your words. Your words just empower me to do more. They always do. Your words make me even more excited for Mamas Night Out. Just the knowing that there will be so many more women there learning, becoming aware of the devastation of pediatric cancer. To know they will hear your words and walk out of there changed….and believe me (from experience ) , they will! So again, I am grateful you decided to share tonight!

  5. I have no words, just wanted to let you know you, Jennifer and The Kranz Family are always in my thoughts. Your words move me to act.

  6. Such a gut wrenching post. I have no other words but thank you. Thank you for sharing. I hope her light will shine to you and offer you some sort of comfort.

  7. We love you Libby. Im so sorry you and your family have to go through this. Jennifer should be here with you all. We love you all so much. All the love and prayers i can send to you today and everyday. Until there is a cure. LOVE4JLK♡

  8. Thank you for sharing your most personal self with us. It makes me a better, more compassionate person every time I read your blog.

    I am so sorry for the hell that follows your every moment. Ready to jump out and consume you or lurking in the background. I pray for you, your family and Jennifer. I pray for you to have more peace and joy and less sorrow. I pray you feel Jennifer around you to comfort you. I believe she is with you always.
    I know it is not comforting, but I am here helping because of you and because of Jennifer, just like so many others. You are changing the world, sorry you needed to! Hugs to you.

    Sorry, I rarely post. Nothing ever seems enough or adequate, but I am always reading, praying and supporting the whole Kranz family.

  9. There are just no words I can say to you that could possibly comfort you and the way you feel. Its a love and feeling only you understand. Its so unfair you and your family have to go through this. As hard as it is you manage to give your attention and love to your other 3 babies. Not that its hard to love them but hard to concentrate on anything else but your grief. May God walk this walk with you and stand beside you. When you are in desperation for Jennifer may He wrap His loving arms around you and give you the comfort within that you need to know that she is a place where she is free of that monster disease and in a garden with other little angels having fun and excited about the day when Jennifer will see you and her dad and her siblings again. She is now in a safe place Libby. No one can hurts her, no disease can get to her and she will no longer ever suffer for any reason. Maybe if you think of it that way it might give you a little comfort or not. Wanting her beside you yes that would be the best thing but we don’t make that choice. Jennifer is still so much a part of your life. Maybe she is not physically with you but look at all you are doing for her and look how many people her story has touched. She will always be remembered by so many of us. We will all keep fighting to find a cure but until them we will all remember Jennifer for the beautiful and precious girl she was. Love you Libby !!!!

  10. <3. Here reading, always. Praying. I think of you all everyday. <3
    My calendar for July quoted Mark Twain: "When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat."

  11. Oh Libby, I am so sorry!!! Thank you for sharing Libby. I will contiune to pray for you. so much love for the Kranz family….so much love for JLK.

  12. You pull us into your world Libby. You are teaching so many what empathy can look like. You are inspiring us to ache for someone other than ourselves, to carry each others burdens, to the point of doing something about it. You and your beautiful family are loved.

  13. I ache to hear you going through such unbearable pain but at the same time I thank you for having the courage to share it because every post strengthens my resolve to do something, to rid the world of all that is wrong including cancer so that other families don’t have to experience this pain. I am so so so so sorry that it took you losing your firstborn girl to ignite this fire to be a force for good in me, but I won’t let you or Jennifer down. And every day I pray to the God who I have to believe is real to be with you and please bring you peace and comfort. I hope you feel that soon

  14. Libby, God is real. He’s the one who gives you the strength to get up every morning and be the wonderful mother that you are.
    Jennifer will live in our hearts for ever!

  15. Your words pierce me like a knife. I bite my tongue and look away from the screen to compose myself. I always read your words before I shower so I can cry alone to myself, hoping my tears take some weight off your heart. Foolish, I know. But it’s all I can do to stop the pain I feel for your family.

    You inspire me on a daily basis, Libby. I am so thankful you and Jennifer have entered my heart, I only wish it were under happier circumstances.

    Love and light to you. I wish we could lighten your sorrow.

  16. This was painful to read. Just know that you have people hoping and praying right here with you. Please be real…… It’s all we have to keep us going! Please be real damn it!!

  17. I’m humbled by your words and brought down to the very fundamentals of life. Nothing matters….absolutely nothing matters but expressing, and being grateful for, our connections to those we love. Everything else is petty, foolish, useless. I strongly believe you are still connected to her.

  18. You and your family are forever in my heart and always on my mind! Sending you love, positive energy every day! ~hugs, e

  19. I wish there was more we could do for you. Send love and support today, tomorrow always. God is real, believe, trust and know one day you will hold, hug and kiss your sweet baby girl Jennifer again……Believe Always Believe! xoxoxooxoox

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