*** I debated sharing this. I wrote it last week. Its just a snapshot. A time in the midst of my desperate sorrow I was able to write ***
my heart. sometimes i wonder if i can take this.
i miss her so much
so incredibly much more than i ever thought possible.
i cry and my body contorts.. forcefully .. against my will.
i have no control over it.
i wail . i sob.
noises i didn’t know i could make coming out of me.
i fold from the inside
i double over only to throw my body back again.
silence. pouring out of me.
a silence so deep and so dark
i am drenched .. soaking wet from my tears and sweat
when i miss her like this.. its consuming
my hands hurt..
from being clenched so tightly …
grinding into my forehead
pushing my head backwards into the couch
till I rise. I have to move.
only to collapse .. kneeling in front of my couch
so i pray..aloud and grunting..
and through my fingers.
please god help me. help me find the strength. help me understand. i don’t understand. oh god be real please be real. i need her again. i need you, please please please. i don’t know how to do this. i don’t know how to carry it all. please. please. oh please be real.
i squeeze and pull at myself.
i start to control my breathing. and i look around.
i hardly recognize the room..
i feel simultaneously like lead and like feathers..
no more crying.. i am aware now of the pressure in my head. the ache in my jaw. my eyes are swollen and my neck hurts. i know i will be sore tomorrow.
I would guess its been 5 minutes.. but I look at the clock and at least 30 have passed. In so many ways thats how I feel everything in this new life of mine is. ..
Feels like it just happened, like she was just here… but time is passing… life is happening. Yet somehow it also feels like she is a mirage.. something I imagined into being..
I know this lifetime of mine will be the longest
and the shortest..
time bending beyond my understanding
and against my will.
..until there is a cure..