6 years

Tonight I should be practicing for a speech I am giving tomorrow. I have only gone through it twice now.. But I can’t seem to do it. Im not sure why. If its something swirling inside of me.. waiting for me to write and get it out.. Or if its too hard to do. Too hard to say the words out loud.. look at pictures of her…remember.

Another cancer mom wrote about it .. wrote about how she doesn’t want to forget a thing about her son.. but also can’t bear to remember. I get that. How as the numbness is slowly wearing off that its hurts even more to allow myself to reach for her. Because it is just so devastating.

But actually I think thats likely not accurate for me. .. not yet at least. Now the yearn is still so much stronger than I can even fight.

I just feel so splintered right now. So flattened out. So lacking and empty.

I can’t stop my mind from thinking about Dannys Warriors, the little boy that was diagnosed a few days before JLK the one that got the outpouring of cards for his birthday. . I have always struggled with feeling a jealousy of sorts.. That is so beyond hard to admit. That I have been jealous of a little boys .. a little boys what?.. I certainly can’t say ‘luck’.

Despite that jealousy  I have always felt such a connection to them. One of the few families I have followed closely. And now its not looking so good for him. I can’t seem to stop my mind from thinking about all of them. Hoping. Wishing. Praying. That somehow things go very differently for them.

And wishing so much I could figure out the way to make difference. To make the facts and the truths heard loud enough to evoke change.

* kids are dying.. horribly. *  American Cancer Society does nothing for kids .01 of every donated dollar* Less than 4% of the government cancer budget goes to pediatrics* Little money means little research for the 36 kids diagnosed daily*

Tonight I just miss my daughter. I miss my family really. I feel so pulled. . in so many directions. So scared to let everybody down. I just want to go back.. to being a mom of 4.

 

6yrs

A real mom of 4. With all of my kids here.

Living. breathing. Able to touch.

To plan for. To celebrate their birthdays instead of dreading it.

I just miss everything tonight.

I try to force some of it back .. I recorded a Dora episode for Charlotte.  We sat down to watch it together. And it was different. A new Dora.. she was older.. And all I could think is are you kidding me f-ing Dora gets to grow up and my baby doesn’t?

Writing about baby Charlotte makes me think my girls are connecting right now ..
6yrs6

Charlottes speech is not really happening.. So we are taking her to be tested. She has words .. just a few.. but then loses them. Her newest word is football. With all the news lately of the Bengals player and his daughter… and the great way some of the people in the NFL are stepping up I can’t help but wonder if thats why.

6yrs2If her big sister is whispering to her. . that maybe this news story will somehow make a difference. .

I hope so. I hope people read beyond the loving father and cute little girl. I hope somehow they are inspired to learn more and become educated about whats really happening.

This morning she woke up, it was just us, her brothers had a sleepover at my parents house. Usually hungry and wanting to eat she fought me as i carried her down the hall to the kitchen. She wanted down. She ran right to Jennifers room and we played in there for an hour. She took out every piece of jewelry.. took care of all the baby dolls. Just me and my girl..

or maybe

my girlS. Maybe?

We went out to run a errand and I remembered what it was like in the beginning. When it was just me and Jennifer. When she was my only child. When I finally became a mommy because of her.

How I thought the darkness that had covered us through struggles to get pregnant and all the miscarriages. .. was the worst we would ever face.

..the longing.. the empty..

When I thought all of that ache for her was over because we finally had her.

Our Jennifer.

I can’t believe I had to let her go after only 6 years.

Why can’t I know for sure? I just want my doubts to disappear. I want to know. I think it.. I want it.. But I doubt it. Wonder if I am just looking for it. I want to feel her with total certainty. I want to know.

song after song right now.

competing with every word I am writing. ..

is this how we talk now baby girl?

i want to trust it.

i am scared.

so scared.

I don’t want to let you go after only 6 years

6yrs3

…until there is a cure..

19 Responses to “6 years”

  1. Oh Libby my heart aches for you and Tony. I wish I could ease your pain just a little. I’ve said this before, we are and will always be here for all 6 of you. Jennifer will NEVER be forgotten. Sending lots of prayers, hugs and most of all our love to all 6 of you.

  2. I can’t wait to give you a big hug tonight. Words always fail me so I hope you can hear my support when I hug you!!!

  3. Always trust your ” mommy instincts”… When you feel her I believe it’s 100 % real. My heart aches for you and I so wish I knew the right words. I’ll just keep fighting right along side you.

  4. I don’t know you all but your story touched my heart , I know you all miss your daughter to no end, remember she is with Lord Jesus & you as Christian will be w/her again in Gods time.

    1. My heart aches so hard for you. I wish even harder that this wasn’t your reality. Praying for comfort and certainty

  5. My heart aches for you all…it’s so unfair. I am so sorry. I know that probably doesn’t mean much, but I am. So very very sorry. and angry. I will never ever forget Jennifer. She’s made an imprint on my heart.

  6. LOVE4JLK always…prayers for angel hugs. Also praying she is right by your side tonight during your speech. You are so
    brave and inspirational.

  7. Still thinking about all of you and supporting. Jennifer Jennifer Jennifer. She has left her mark and will continue to do so. You all are so very brave. Love

  8. ah, Libby, what an adorable picture of you with Jennifer. wow, Charlotte is so cute and it makes sense she is connecting with Jennifer. I am sure it is meant to be. Believe. she is with you and is in Heaven. it wouldn’t make sense any other way. hugs to you.

  9. the first picture just got me….. I couldn’t concentrate on reading the rest.. all I could think of was the great memories I had with you 3 sitting at table 212 with a large order of gluten free fries and a chocolate shake, the day she came in and you said she had something for me, that *pink* colored paper she use to draw me something. I had no idea she was slowly loosing capacity to write which is why im so thankful I have that drawing with her name on it!! I love u Jennifer!!!! thank you for letting me meet who I call my butterfly princess

  10. Never let go…..you never have to. Jennifer will always be with you, in your heart, in your soul, in everything you do, touch, feel, smell. Jennifer will always be with you- Belive !!! xoxooxoxoxooxox

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