Tonight I should be practicing for a speech I am giving tomorrow. I have only gone through it twice now.. But I can’t seem to do it. Im not sure why. If its something swirling inside of me.. waiting for me to write and get it out.. Or if its too hard to do. Too hard to say the words out loud.. look at pictures of her…remember.
Another cancer mom wrote about it .. wrote about how she doesn’t want to forget a thing about her son.. but also can’t bear to remember. I get that. How as the numbness is slowly wearing off that its hurts even more to allow myself to reach for her. Because it is just so devastating.
But actually I think thats likely not accurate for me. .. not yet at least. Now the yearn is still so much stronger than I can even fight.
I just feel so splintered right now. So flattened out. So lacking and empty.
I can’t stop my mind from thinking about Dannys Warriors, the little boy that was diagnosed a few days before JLK the one that got the outpouring of cards for his birthday. . I have always struggled with feeling a jealousy of sorts.. That is so beyond hard to admit. That I have been jealous of a little boys .. a little boys what?.. I certainly can’t say ‘luck’.
Despite that jealousy I have always felt such a connection to them. One of the few families I have followed closely. And now its not looking so good for him. I can’t seem to stop my mind from thinking about all of them. Hoping. Wishing. Praying. That somehow things go very differently for them.
And wishing so much I could figure out the way to make difference. To make the facts and the truths heard loud enough to evoke change.
* kids are dying.. horribly. * American Cancer Society does nothing for kids .01 of every donated dollar* Less than 4% of the government cancer budget goes to pediatrics* Little money means little research for the 36 kids diagnosed daily*
Tonight I just miss my daughter. I miss my family really. I feel so pulled. . in so many directions. So scared to let everybody down. I just want to go back.. to being a mom of 4.
A real mom of 4. With all of my kids here.
Living. breathing. Able to touch.
To plan for. To celebrate their birthdays instead of dreading it.
I just miss everything tonight.
I try to force some of it back .. I recorded a Dora episode for Charlotte. We sat down to watch it together. And it was different. A new Dora.. she was older.. And all I could think is are you kidding me f-ing Dora gets to grow up and my baby doesn’t?
Charlottes speech is not really happening.. So we are taking her to be tested. She has words .. just a few.. but then loses them. Her newest word is football. With all the news lately of the Bengals player and his daughter… and the great way some of the people in the NFL are stepping up I can’t help but wonder if thats why.
I hope so. I hope people read beyond the loving father and cute little girl. I hope somehow they are inspired to learn more and become educated about whats really happening.
This morning she woke up, it was just us, her brothers had a sleepover at my parents house. Usually hungry and wanting to eat she fought me as i carried her down the hall to the kitchen. She wanted down. She ran right to Jennifers room and we played in there for an hour. She took out every piece of jewelry.. took care of all the baby dolls. Just me and my girl..
my girlS. Maybe?
We went out to run a errand and I remembered what it was like in the beginning. When it was just me and Jennifer. When she was my only child. When I finally became a mommy because of her.
How I thought the darkness that had covered us through struggles to get pregnant and all the miscarriages. .. was the worst we would ever face.
..the longing.. the empty..
When I thought all of that ache for her was over because we finally had her.
I can’t believe I had to let her go after only 6 years.
Why can’t I know for sure? I just want my doubts to disappear. I want to know. I think it.. I want it.. But I doubt it. Wonder if I am just looking for it. I want to feel her with total certainty. I want to know.
song after song right now.
competing with every word I am writing. ..
is this how we talk now baby girl?
i want to trust it.
i am scared.
I don’t want to let you go after only 6 years
…until there is a cure..