I feel like a wounded animal. I feel like I am slowly bleeding out.
I remember being pregnant and dairy products with dates stamped on it past my due date.. how thrilling that was. Today I pulled out strong cheese for the kids and it was stamped with a date past the one year anniversary of her death. .
Today seeing that sent a chill right through me. In a few months I will be done with all the firsts without her.. and just onto the rest of time.. Holiday after holiday.. one less.. Day after day being incomplete. I wonder if one day I will get used to it? Adjust to this new life of mine..
Because right now its a lot like a phantom limb. Like I go to stand on the life I was had only to fall down since its no longer there. I still call the other kids by her name and automatically include a living her in my day.. Like that phantom itch I have read about.. that you can almost feel the missing limb. ..I can and do for moments simply forget she is gone.
Then it hits so much harder.
The kids played dress up today. I couldn’t help but be happy that Charlotte wanted the dresses more than the batman costume.. I watched her and mourned for the girl I will never know. The Charlotte with 2 big brothers and a big sister. I imagined how we would pick Jennifer up from school with Charlotte in a princess costume because she would want one to elicit the big smiles from her big sister. How Jennifer would have ran over to her and showed her off to her friends. . Then I forced myself to stop.. because even though she was really here at one time. She isn’t anymore.. those un-memories are simply fantasies.
I day dream about day to day things.. about folding laundry for 4 kids instead of just 3.. the little moments and memories we have lost. The things I complained about.. I miss so terribly.
It rained just a little today. The kids had a great time running on the grass together.. Even got in a lick fight.. don’t ask me.. They thought it was hilarious and who am I to judge! I took lots of pictures… watched them through the lens of my camera because it somehow protected me.. Able to zoom in on them one by one.. allowing me to forget about the one that should be there.
The girl that loved jumping in puddles.
Our MNO event was great. I feel like I should be riding that high.. But Im not. I want to curl up.. To shut down. I want to cry all day..
What I really want is to be planning her birthday with her here.. not trying to figure out where to go and what to do. I am calling places trying to scramble to get a place to take the kids for the days leading up to her birthday. I am choking on the words telling strangers what I am looking for and why. Seeing if they have any condos for rent.
I guess I should explain. . I know money was donated to our family to help us find a way to save her.. it didn’t .. we couldn’t. So we used it to start Unravel and now we are using some to try to save us. I thought I knew how hard rebuilding us would be.. I had no idea. No clue how broken our hearts could be but still keep beating.
So that generously donated money is now helping save us..
I wish there was no need. I wish I was bitching about how expensive kids parties are nowadays.. I wish for anything but this.. anything but one of my babies being gone.
But thats just another one of my fantasies.. Instead I will look through my pictures – Already thinking about the ones of her in the rain and puddles.. how will I choose? – I will go through them all and cry and long for those memories to engulf me tonight..
Give me enough to limp through another day..
..until there is a cure..