fantasy

I feel like a wounded animal. I feel like I am slowly bleeding out.

I remember being pregnant and dairy products with dates stamped on it past my due date.. how thrilling that was. Today I pulled out strong cheese for the kids and it was stamped with a date past the one year anniversary of her death. .

how?

why?

no?

Today seeing that sent a chill right through me. In a few months I will be done with all the firsts without her.. and just onto the rest of time.. Holiday after holiday.. one less.. Day after day being incomplete. I wonder if one day I will get used to it? Adjust to this new life of mine..

without her.

Because right now its a lot like a phantom limb. Like I go to stand on the life I was had only to fall down since its no longer there. I still call the other kids by her name and automatically include a living her in my day.. Like that phantom itch I have read about.. that you can almost feel the missing limb. ..I can and do for moments simply forget she is gone.

Then it hits so much harder.

The kids played dress up today. I couldn’t help but be happy that Charlotte wanted the dresses more than the batman costume.. I watched her and mourned for the girl I will never know. The Charlotte with 2 big brothers and a big sister. I imagined how we would pick Jennifer up from school with Charlotte in a princess costume because she would want one to elicit the big smiles from her big sister. How Jennifer would have ran over to her and showed her off to her friends. . Then I forced myself to stop.. because even though she was really here at one time. She isn’t anymore.. those un-memories are simply fantasies.

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I day dream about day to day things.. about folding laundry for 4 kids instead of just 3.. the little moments and memories we have lost. The things I complained about.. I miss so terribly.

It rained just a little today. The kids had a great time running on the grass together.. Even got in a lick fight.. don’t ask me.. They thought it was hilarious and who am I to judge! I took lots of pictures… watched them through the lens of my camera because it somehow protected me.. Able to zoom in on them one by one.. allowing me to forget about the one that should be there.

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The girl that loved jumping in puddles.

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Our MNO event was great. I feel like I should be riding that high.. But Im not. I want to curl up.. To shut down. I want to cry all day..

well no

What I really want is to be planning her birthday with her here.. not trying to figure out where to go and what to do. I am calling places trying to scramble to get a place to take the kids for the days leading up to her birthday. I am choking on the words telling strangers what I am looking for and why. Seeing if they have any condos for rent.

I guess I should explain. . I know money was donated to our family to help us find a way to save her.. it didn’t .. we couldn’t.  So we used it to start Unravel and now we are using some to try to save us. I thought I knew how hard rebuilding us would be.. I had no idea. No clue how broken our hearts could be but still keep beating.

So that generously donated money is now helping save us..

thank you

I wish there was no need. I wish I was bitching about how expensive kids parties are nowadays.. I wish for anything but this.. anything but one of my babies being gone.

But thats just another one of my fantasies.. Instead I will look through my pictures – Already thinking about the ones of her in the rain and puddles.. how will I choose? – I will go through them all and cry and long for those memories to engulf me tonight..

Give me enough to limp through another day..

without you.

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..until there is a cure..

10 Responses to “fantasy”

  1. I think of Jennifer, the beautiful girl I never knew, daily, and to think of ways I can help. I know this coming season will be extremely difficult (there are no other words I can think of to describe it). The first year after my brother passed I thought would be the hardest…but it almost seemed like the couple after it were worse. Like we were expecting the first to be hard but not the subsequent ones. I will say this, while the missing him never goes away, the pain did eventually become a dull ache. My mom no longer sobs through holidays and family get together (8, almost 9 years later). We make sure to include memories of him in all of them, so he is included and not “forgotten” (how could he ever be, but I’must sure you get what i mean). Tears are sometimes shed, but not in the magnitude of that first few years. All I can say is this: it doesn’t magically get easier, but I can see from what you write that you have a wonderful support system. Lean on them. Especially in the next couple of months. And know that all of us who tried to do something to save her are now trying to do something to save other kids, through Unravel, because of Jennifer, for you….even though it will never be enough, at least it is something. As always, keeping all 6 of you in my daily prayers.

  2. Emily,
    Your response is so correct. Libby, you are in the aftermath but your support system and strength system is beyond who you have there. Your family has made the mark and will continue to spread the glitter. You’ll never be at that place where people will forget. You have another family that is always thinking of you all and you might not ever meet many of us.

  3. I read every post, think about leaving a reply to let you know that I haven’t forgotten, and then say nothing because I simply don’t have the words. There are sentences in Emily’s reply that resonate. “I think of Jennifer, the beautiful girl I never knew, daily, and I think of ways I can help”. “know that all of us who tried to do something to save her are now trying to do something to save other kids, through Unravel, because of Jennifer, for you…”. I hope so very much that hearing of Emily’s experience (years ahead of yours) gives you some hope for your years to come. Jennifer has certainly changed my years to come. Pediatric cancer is the cause I will focus on, and donate to, and spread awareness of, and do everything and anything I can for. I will tell my children about her, and show them pictures of her, so that they will do the same. And even though we will probably never meet, I will keep your little girl in my mind and heart forever. Always.

  4. I wish I could give you more, I wish I could help, I wish Jennifer was still in your arms. Oh Libby this month is going to be so hard, I wish I could sweep you away from it all.
    Please believe, please let yourself hurt and morn. Celebrate the amazing 6 years you did have, celebrate that beautiful smile, watch her videos. You are doing everything right!
    I am praying each day is a bit better. xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxox

  5. I agree with everything Emily and Angela have said. I may have never known your Jennifer but her beautiful life will stay with me for the rest of mine and I will continue to spread awareness and pray for you and your family.

  6. Libby, it was so amazing to hear you speak at MNO. I was so excited to finally meet you and wanted to say so many things. None of what I wanted to say came out even close to right. Thank you for continuing to share your painful
    journey with all of us. We all care and want to help unravel this monster. So many people are educated on the lack of funding for pediatric cancer, thanks to you. I hope that you find the perfect spot to getaway with your family. I’m so
    sorry that you’re going through all of this and you’re having to experience all of these “firsts” without Jennifer. Thinking about all 6 of you. Sending love & prayers.

    XO

  7. We love you Libby. We love all of you. We love your beautiful beautiful Jennifer. ♡ Thinking of all of you always. Especially Jennifer. Everyday and always. All my love and prayers to all 6 of you. ♡

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