I have been sitting here nervously debating how to write what I want to say for the last 30 minutes… What’s the best way to explain.. My stomach feels all bubbly with nerves. But then Jonathan figured it out.. A video! .. Perfect..Though I will always miss the end of every video we make without Jennifer running up saying “can we watch it Mama?” She said it without fail every single time I filmed her.. This video.. presented by Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte .. a gift from their big sister. …until there is a cure..
Yes. Yes. Yes. I am eternally grateful for the yeses. And eternally sorry for the no’s. A year ago we did a last minute tea party. At a fancy tea party place. We had a lot at our little apartment together. It was certainly a daily ritual and one of my most cherished memories. She was so serious about it.. but always wanted it to be a little different. Somedays we filled the cups with water.. sometimes we ate food. Other times it was all pretend. She invited different stuffed animals .. but pinkie was always there. The reason it worked so well though.. Jennifer’s early Christmas present from my sister. We went to Ikea and Jennifer saw a purple tv tray. She told Auntie she wanted it for Christmas. We laughed. Thought she just really had to have something bought for her. But she insisted she really wanted it.[…]
She was incredible. I can never really explain her well enough. Why do I have to? Why is she gone? So many kids claim her as their best friend.. (but it was always truly Jonathan) and that’s not because she is gone.. Its always been who she is. She had a “boyfriend” (she never called them that .. but the cutest boys did seem to flock to her and she certainly never minded!) and a friend everywhere we went. She would even make friends at the store while we shopped. I don’t know what it was but there was just something about this girl of mine that was pure magic. And I miss my magic girl something awful lately. We survived another 12th.. barely though. This has been a terrible time for me.. for us. Jonathan and Tony are just down[…]
Sometimes I really struggle with this new life of mine.. not just the child loss portion of it.. but also the executive director of Unravel role I am in. I miss being a housewife..days filled with cooking and cleaning.. playdates and parks. Its all I ever wanted to be .. a wife and a mom. Its all I ever wanted to do.. raise a house full of kids. But then cancer hit and stole one of mine.. and all of my dreams and aspirations have now changed… Unravel brings so much.. but it comes at a cost. There are times I just want to go back to being only a mommy and wife. In just this new life.. As a mom to 3 living and 1 in heaven.. and wife to a incredible and broken man. I want to be making scrapbooks about her and trying to absorb my little[…]
I feel an invisible force on my foot.. trying to push it down.. put the brakes on this life.. Just make it all stop. . In 4 days I will have been a cancer mom for a whole year. In 4 days.. She will truly be forever 6.. because she won’t be here to turn 7. no no no no Today was the one year anniversary of the last full great day.. free day. .. happy day. The day before I picked her up from school and she threw up in her lap.. the day before we took her to the ER and she was admitted. I wanted to do something that symbolized that.. something free and fun. We went to the high school football games tonight, my brother and brother in laws team vs another brothers team. It was a hour or so drive each way.. nice for me I[…]