She was incredible. I can never really explain her well enough. Why do I have to? Why is she gone?
So many kids claim her as their best friend.. (but it was always truly Jonathan) and that’s not because she is gone.. Its always been who she is. She had a “boyfriend” (she never called them that .. but the cutest boys did seem to flock to her and she certainly never minded!) and a friend everywhere we went. She would even make friends at the store while we shopped.
I don’t know what it was but there was just something about this girl of mine that was pure magic. And I miss my magic girl something awful lately. We survived another 12th.. barely though. This has been a terrible time for me.. for us. Jonathan and Tony are just down also. So much pain in our home. So much unspoken sorrow.
Tony is full of hurt. I can feel it coming off of him. He misses her. He yearns for her so much. He comes home arms opened to all of us. But I know each night he walks through the door he is slapped in the face with the reality of the one missing. The one who used to make up dances and songs that we would preform as he walked in about how much we love him. The one who will forever call him Daddy.
And Jonathan. He is scared he will lose us too. Nights are hard. Sometimes he comes in panicked to find us.. usually me. Sometimes I am our here writing. He just needs to see me.. touch me and then he can sleep again. Maybe he remembers coming home early one morning and hearing that his sister.. his best friends body stopped working, . I will never forget his sorrow. Sneaking into his eyes.. these new types of tears coming out of him that confused and scared him. My then 4 yr old.. his first taste of grief.
We had stray kittens out front, well not exactly strays but our neighbors cat had them and they like our bushes. They were there when we got home from our Sacramento trip. One was all black and so friendly. Jennifer always asked for a cat but Tony is allergic so we always said no. Even he was smitten with this one and he was looking into getting allergy shots so we could keep it. Once that was settled I was going to talk to the neighbors.. But the other day we came home and the neighbor walked over to tell me that somebody had walked by and asked about them.. and took the black one. We had named her snow white. I thought I had told the kids.. but I guess not. When I told Jonathan on Tuesday his head fell into his hands and he just sobbed. I did too. Scooped him up and he tried to dig himself into me.. releasing all of his pain into me.
Then done. Emptied and relieved. He looked up and asked if he had told me today how much he loves me.
I took the kids to a play place in Monterey we had never been to. And I just missed her.. and Tony actually. All I wanted was to sit near the beach with him and cry. I had to put a lot of intentional effort into being a good mom to them. I hate that. I am ashamed by that. I know how very lucky I am.. I know it could always be worse.. but lately I just miss her.
The kids had a great time though. Especially when we all loaded in the car and drove by the beach. Then turned around and drove back to park in the same spot and walk to the beach. This was the good part of my day. Being near the water.. going slow. remembered nothing mattered but being there with them in that moment. So many little” no into yes” moments with them. The whole day was “for them because of her”. But my favorite moment was simple. The boys wanted to play on the beach. So I let them. Hop off the side of the pier and run free.
I pictured her so hard then.. running and screaming right along with them. I kept looking at the tracks they made in the sand.. trying to see the 3rd set that was missing. Charlotte was happy with her sisters watch in her hands..she just played with it and watched the waves for the whole time her brothers played in the sand.
And I felt so sorry. Even hurting. Struggling like I am .. in so many ways I am a better mom now. Why? WHY!
i am so sorry baby girl
i wish i had done this with you
embraced moments.. said yes
taken you to the beach more..
not counted on time that was never promised
i am so sorry buggers
I am hurting so much. I went to monterey by myself to get my ring tattoo touched up.. And I had a long drive home. My pain took over. .. I went to Cross Fit .. but never got out of the car. I couldn’t stop crying. I looked up at the sky.. gray .. full. I remembered the runs I took right after she died. I drove home and ran. And ran and ran. I kept going until I wanted to throw up and I had no more tears left in me. Then I turned around. I think its the farthest I have ever ran.
I came home and was feeling better. Drained and emptied. Missing her to my core is sometimes debilitating but its also empowering. I get closer to her somehow. And I remember everyday without is a day closer to being with her again.
She was incredible. Joyful and kind. She enjoyed life and all the little moments in it. Not a second was wasted in her time on this earth.
My life goal..
my total aspiration
is to be half the person my 6 yr old was.
…until there is a cure..