half the person

She was incredible. I can never really explain her well enough. Why do I have to? Why is she gone?

So many kids claim her as their best friend.. (but it was always truly Jonathan) and that’s not because she is gone.. Its always been who she is. She had a “boyfriend”  (she never called them that .. but the cutest boys did seem to flock to her and she certainly never minded!) and a friend everywhere we went.  She would even make friends at the store while we shopped.

DSC_0005IMG_1419

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know what it was but there was just something about this girl of mine that was pure magic. And I miss my magic girl something awful lately. We survived another 12th.. barely though. This has been a terrible time for me.. for us. Jonathan and Tony are just down also. So much pain in our home. So much unspoken sorrow.

Tony is full of hurt. I can feel it coming off of him. He misses her. He yearns for her so much. He comes home arms opened to all of us. But I know each night he walks through the door he is slapped in the face with the reality of the one missing. The one who used to make up dances and songs that we would preform as he walked in about how much we love him. The one who will forever call him Daddy.

they loved taking goofy faced selfies together
they loved taking goofy faced selfies together

And Jonathan. He is scared he will lose us too. Nights are hard. Sometimes he comes in panicked to find us.. usually me. Sometimes I am our here writing. He just needs to see me.. touch me and then he can sleep again. Maybe he remembers coming home early one morning and hearing that his sister.. his best friends body stopped working, . I will never forget his sorrow. Sneaking into his eyes.. these new types of tears coming out of him that confused and scared him. My then 4 yr old.. his first taste of grief.

We had stray kittens out front, well not exactly strays but our neighbors cat had them and they like our bushes. They were there when we got home from our Sacramento trip. One was all black and so friendly. Jennifer always asked for a cat but Tony is allergic so we always said no. Even he was smitten with this one and he was looking into getting allergy shots so we could keep it. Once that was settled I was going to talk to the neighbors.. But the other day we came home and the neighbor walked over to tell me that somebody had walked by and asked about them.. and took the black one. We had named her snow white. I thought I had told the kids.. but I guess not. When I told Jonathan on Tuesday his head fell into his hands and he just sobbed. I did too. Scooped him up and he tried to dig himself into me.. releasing all of his pain into me.

best friends
best friends

Then done. Emptied and relieved. He looked up and asked if he had told me today how much he loves me.

I took the kids to a play place in Monterey we had never been to. And I just missed her.. and Tony actually. All I wanted was to sit near the beach with him and cry. I had to put a lot of intentional effort into being a good mom to them. I hate that. I am ashamed by that. I know how very lucky I am.. I know it could always be worse.. but lately I just miss her.

 

The kids had a great time though. Especially when we all loaded in the car and drove by the beach. Then turned around and drove back to park in the same spot and walk to the beach. This was the good part of my day. Being near the water.. going slow. remembered nothing mattered but being there with them in that moment. So many little” no into yes” moments with them. The whole day was “for them because of her”. But my favorite moment was simple. The boys wanted to play on the beach. So I let them. Hop off the side of the pier and run free.

 

I pictured her so hard then.. running and screaming right along with them. I kept looking at the tracks they made in the sand.. trying to see the 3rd set that was missing.  Charlotte was happy with her sisters watch in her hands..she just played with it and watched the waves for the whole time her brothers played in the sand.

And I felt so sorry. Even hurting. Struggling like I am .. in so many ways I am a better mom now. Why? WHY!

DSC_0035

 

DSC_0041

 

 

 

 

 

 

i am so sorry baby girl

i wish i had done this with you

embraced moments.. said yes

taken you to the beach more..

not counted on time that was never promised

i am so sorry buggers

I am hurting so much.  I went to monterey by myself to get my ring tattoo touched up.. And I had a long drive home. My pain took over. .. I went to Cross Fit .. but never got out of the car. I couldn’t stop crying. I looked up at the sky.. gray .. full. I remembered the runs I took right after she died. I drove home and ran. And ran and ran. I kept going until I wanted to throw up and I had no more tears left in me. Then I turned around. I think its the farthest I have ever ran.

I came home and was feeling better. Drained and emptied. Missing her to my core is sometimes debilitating but its also empowering. I get closer to her somehow. And I remember everyday without is a day closer to being with her again.

She was incredible. Joyful and kind. She enjoyed life and all the little moments in it. Not a second was wasted in her time on this earth.

My life goal..

my total aspiration

is to be half the person my 6 yr old was.

K-2014-01-04-203

…until there is a cure..

23 Responses to “half the person”

  1. It is amazing what we learn from our little ones. It’s amazing what you are still learning Libby. #love4JLK #unravelcancer

  2. I know you hear this over and over, but I am so sorry.
    I know you ask yourself this all the time, but WHY?!
    I know you are told this 100 times, but you are doing great, Libby.
    I know you know this, but your Kids are lucky to have you.
    I know you know, but I am thinking of Jennifer today and everyday and sending hugs.

  3. Jonathan telling you how much he loves you….so sweet. Your family is so much closer than many are because of Jennifer. I read your blogs and am reminded to do more for my girls, with my girls, and for and with my husband. Jennifer is making a difference in lives that way, too. My student wrote his research paper on Unravel and Jennifer, and gave his presentation to the class yesterday. So many of the other students had questions about DIPG and your glitter girl and how they can help. She is making a difference there, too. Finally, all of the Glitter Squad and the fundraising being done is being done because of Jennifer. We’be already seen what that can do. Your girl, because of the effort you and your friends and family are putting in, is making a difference. I know you would give that all back to have her, but her glitter is spreading far and wide. Try to take some comfort in that.

  4. You’ve always been a great mom, Libby. Please know that. You gave your Jennifer all that you could possibly give. I am doing what I can to spread awareness, but I always strive to say something to try and take some of your hurt away. Sending love.

  5. Sweet Libby,
    Different perspective:
    Everything that your Jennifer was is a direct reflection of you and Tony. Children are taught kindness and love and unconditional acceptance of others. She is you. Please quit beating yourself up. You deserve peace. Jennifer wants you to have peace. Peace be with you <3

  6. I didn’t know Jennifer while she was here but even her pictures are full of her amazing soul and personality. And a HUGE part of the reason she is so special is because she has the perfect mummy and daddy for her. I know you don’t feel like it often these days but you did good and are doing good. I know she has to be radiating pride as she watches over you all. She couldn’t help but do so

  7. Dear Libby,

    Through your daily posts, Jennifer is sending a beautiful message to all who read them. I know Jennifer is your inspiration to help us all be better parents. I love the photo of you and Jennifer “Dancing in the Ocean”. God Bless.

    Jan

  8. I’m pretty sure Paige only met Jennifer when we brought you dinner after Charlotte was born. Jennifer showed Paige her room and they played. Paige still remembers that with fondness regardless of their age difference. Her light was and still is infectious.

  9. I am so sorry Libby, I am glad you are able to acknowledge and release your feelings. I am sorry that Jennifer is not in your arms. Sending love and strength. You are doing an amazing job! xoxoxoxoxo

  10. I wish somehow you could know how you have changed moms just like me.

    I worked so hard to have my family… and sadly, Jennifer is a reminder to me of how wonderful life SHOULD be.
    I am by no ways a perfect mom…. I have my moments… but there are so many more “Nos into Yeses”.
    Most recently…. my girls were in expensive (though Ebay’d) dresses and expensive shoes for our family pictures. At the of the shoot, they found a mud muddle… you know what… they jumped and became muddy… and were authentic and fun…. and that picture is making it onto our Christmas card. You and Jennifer remind me not to care about the mud…. enjoy life as a family.

    God bless you.

  11. wow, just wow. this whole post had me sobbing. So poignant and beautiful..and yes Jennifer was a seriously special and awesome girl! I have been so inspired by you and the no into a yes campaign…she touched (touches!) so many lives.

  12. Seems to me you have always been the incredible mother we all strive to be. And now you seem to be changing the world on top of that. You never cease to amaze me. Xo

  13. What a beautiful yet heartbreaking post…I wish she was still standing by your side and I pray each night for angel visits. Jennifer is shining through your entire family- sweet angel in Heaven.

  14. I never know what to say after I read each post. No words can comfort you but I wanted you to know that we are here, reading, learning and thinking about Jennifer and all that she contributed in her short beloved life here with you & your family on earth. My heart aches for you and I am reminded every day because of your story to turn my no’s into yes’s for my little loves… Thank you for baring your heart & soul Libby. You are brave and inspiring.

  15. She was the person she was in large part because of you, Libs. Because of who you are and the mother you are, and have always been.

  16. She is incredible and joyful and kind because YOU are incredible and joyful and kind. Your children are a reflection of who you are, who Tony is. All of the goodness in her comes from you both. You are a great mother, and you have been since the day Jennfier was born.

  17. I found your blog yesterday through the People article, and stayed up late into the night after putting my kids to bed, reading every single one of your blog posts. And crying and praying for you and your beautiful family. I was so moved by your posts and your beautiful girl. Please know that you have touched the heart of a perfect stranger and have changed the way that I will be a mother to my kids from this day forward. I will be making the effort to slow down, put my phone and facebook down and be there and be present with them more. Stop telling them “not right now” and turn more no’s into yes’s. I am so so sorry for you and your family and the unending pain that you are all enduring, but your beautiful Jennifer has made such a lasting impression on my heart and will make a lasting difference in my family. I am known for my crazy, over the top fondness for all things sparkly, and want to thank you for the little bit of glitter that will be staying with me from now on. I will be making a donation to your foundation today, and have followed you guys on facebook to hopefully continue to do what little bit I can to help throughout the year. Thank you, and I hope that your family is able to enjoy some extra sparkle this holiday season thanks to your angel.

  18. Jennifer was a reflection of you and your breakthrough to become a family. She thrived on your sheer joy and thankfulness. You and Tony and extended family helped shape and mold the pure shining light of her being.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *