There is a story that goes along with our announcement. I had planned on.. wanted to write about it. But i sit down and I find my mind is already going to another place. ..
Yesterday we announced our 5th child is due August 22nd. It was a happy day for us.. a joyous day. I got messages and emails and FB postings and replies on the blog.. I read every one.. I appreciated every single letter. And when I did that I remembered. ..
A long road to her.. 5 losses and failed adoption. .. a broken road that lead me straight to her.. One I would have ridden a thousand times to get to that destination of her. I was part of a local online forum at the time. It became like a virtual group of friends.. solid friends surprisingly. When Jennifer was finally placed in my arms I couldn’t wait to share with them. This group of woman that I probably wouldn’t even recognize if I passed them on the street. And they went crazy for her. So happy to see me finally become a mom.. Then when I announced I was pregnant with Jonathan.. the hysteria erupted again. ..
The messages of overwhelming happiness for us.. incredible. And then with Nicholas too .. by the time it was with Charlotte I think they just started to think I was a little crazy!.. But always such excitement knowing how hard fought these 4 were.
So I remembered that again yesterday. Reading messages from people … many whom I have never met.. of love and support and genuine happiness for our news.
How lucky we are. I look at it and I wonder how in that aspect we have been so lucky.. so blessed to have always had people care deeply about our little family.
Writing now I also am pulled to a memory Oct 2013.. Writing that Jennifer had a brain tumor. Finding out it would take her life.. likely very quickly. And how this group rallied again. Woman I likely wouldn’t recognize walking past on the street..
Woman I am grateful for but will forever wish I never met in person.
Maybe those feelings resurged because yesterday I went on Facebook and the blog often.. I truly enjoyed reading the comments. . My mom teased me asking if I had gotten enough attention. . Mid day though it changed. 2 families in this new community of mine lost their children yesterday. Simultaneously the joy of my yesterday and 2 families (though we all know there are more) started the most horrific steps into a new life nobody wants. And both of these boys were taken by the same DIPG tumor that stole our Jennifer.
A.J and Nathan Street.
And I was pulled back down. To reality. That everyday .. without fail children are dying from cancer. I thought about the day I am lucky enough to give birth to this baby. That on that incredible day of ours, Mommy’s and Daddy’s will be saying a forever goodbye..And it happened on the birthday of all 4 of my other children too.. I just didn’t know it.
Lack of knowledge isn’t prevention though.. exact opposite really. .
I place my hand on the incredible thing that is my rounding belly.. and I cry. And I promise outloud to take care of this baby. To be a good mom. To turn no’s into yeses.. to ask myself if what they are doing with matter in a month ..to help them remember the sister that brought them to us… And I vow to do my best to keep them and their children safe from the same beast that took her.
I will not just be sorry .. for AJ or Nathan or Jennifer. I will be active.
For Jonathan, Nicholas, Charlotte and this little dandelion of a wish growing inside of me.
secrets out sissy!
But for now this baby is ours
just yours and mine
you never got to carry a baby
but you are doing this with me
thank you buggers.