Tomorrow is one year since her services. Tony is out with the guys tonight so I have spent the last 90 minutes watching the video of her services. Crying and laughing.. much like I did that day.
I watched it ..I watched me .. I remembered how I felt. The pull from above. The strength in her presence that day. And I miss it. The newness of it all that allowed it not to hurt so much. I cried much more.. I cried much harder watching it all unfold again today.
But it was perfect it really truly was. The only time I really cried that day was the end of it all. When we were all done cleaning up the reception and Tony walked into the room. I just went to his arms.. and I sobbed. For a moment he was protective. Wanting to know who upset me.. until I looked up and just said I wasn’t ready to be done.. Then he knew my tears were from a place he could never protect me from…
Because I didn’t want it to be done. I would do it all over again if I could. I said in my eulogy I could talk about her all day and I meant it. I want to . I miss doing it.
I watched all the kids that now in just a years time are so different .. so grown up and it hurts me so much. Because she isn’t. .. She never ever will be. Forever 6.
forever just 6 years old.
and her little brother is now 51/2.
I listened to the incredible singer Austin Corini sing with his mom and the song we chose for Tony.(minute 54) She loved his voice.. I watched messages from cousins and aunts and uncles. .. I enjoyed surprising everybody that came up to speak with a little song of their own.
She would have loved that. She honestly would have loved all of it. And I am so grateful for all the help I had putting it on. Valley Christian for allowing us to us their campus and taking care of all of the logistics. Our incredible friend Mike that took on the nearly impossible job of officiating the whole thing… It was exactly right for us. My friend that stepped up to handle planning/organizing the whole thing. Thank you Lindsay. My friend that put together everything media.. videos and music.. Thank you Heather. And my family and friends that shared themselves and stories of Jennifer with so many people. .. Of their last perfect day with her. And so many special memories.
You want to know how you can help somebody in the beginning of loss.. lend your talents for the services. Let them plan as much or as little as they want and then take it off their plates. Even the .. I don’t even know what its called. .. the pamphlet you get coming in.. I got to pick the pictures and come up with the words for all of it.. and I love it still.. but my friend Char designed it.
It helped so much. It made for a perfect day. And I am so grateful for that day. Somehow I wish I could re-live it. Because I miss it. I miss the world really thinking how badly I was hurting. Because I think I’m finally now about where people thought I was then. The shock of child loss even when you know its coming… its a force beyond explanation. A year later I think the fog has lifted.
Seeing clearly really sucks sometimes.
I just hurt. I just miss my daughter. She should be in first grade. She never ever will be.
She was good. She was so very good. I listened to so many people share the same things about her.. her laugh. her eyes. her perseverance and her example. When I grow up I want to be just like her.
I wonder if it has lifted? I wonder if in a year I will hurt even deeper and long for the safety of right now.
My friend came over today. The one that lost her daughter who has supported me through all of this.. and when she left I asked about who taught her kids to tie their shoes, because I swear, that and riding a bike and driving are the three things I will not be able to teach mine. A fairly innocuous question .. She started to explain then maybe 2 kids in.. she paused. and simply said that her Brecken never got to learn how. .. and then continued on with the rest of the kids. And I thought thats it. 8+years later that’s it.
That is what child loss will forever be.
Moments freeze you up.. things your oldest never gets to do that your youngest now can. Its always that cold harsh slap. Because she didn’t really even say it. She just breathed the words. I think it comes from a deeper place than just our minds.. Its our hearts and souls talking.. Even when we don’t know they have a voice.
And its just a silly little thing really. But I am so happy to know something more about my daughters friend. This little girl I have never met.. that I somehow just know was waiting there for Jennifer when I wasn’t.
I dont know how to explain how much that means to me. Because I don’t know anything about what its really like for her. And it drives me insane. She is only 6.. I should be signing permission slips..I should know her friends. .so knowing just one more thing. It’s a gift really. One I never wanted. One I am grateful for.
i love you
i miss you
how can i honor you?