a thousand years

Tomorrow is one year since her services. Tony is out with the guys tonight so I have spent the last 90 minutes watching the video of her services. Crying and laughing.. much like I did that day.

I watched it ..I watched me .. I remembered how I felt. The pull from above. The strength in her presence that day. And I miss it. The newness of it all that allowed it not to hurt so much. I cried much more.. I cried much harder watching it all unfold again today.

This picture seems to sum up how I felt.. this unseen strength.
This picture seems to sum up how I felt.. this unseen strength.

But it was perfect it really truly was. The only time I really cried that day was the end of it all. When we were all done cleaning up the reception and Tony walked into the room. I just went to his arms.. and I sobbed. For a moment he was protective. Wanting to know who upset me.. until I looked up and just said I wasn’t ready to be done.. Then he knew my tears were from a place he could never protect me from…

I am so humbled by how many people came on a Friday to honor our little girl
I am so humbled by how many people came on a Friday to honor our little girl

Because I didn’t want it to be done. I would do it all over again if I could. I said in my eulogy I could talk about her all day and I meant it. I want to . I miss doing it.

I watched all the kids that now in just a years time are so different .. so grown up and it hurts me so much. Because she isn’t. .. She never ever will be. Forever 6.

forever just 6 years old.

and her little brother is now 51/2.

He never noticed how much she changed with the steroids. She was always just his beautiful big sister.
He never noticed how much she changed with the steroids. She was always just his beautiful big sister.

 

I listened to the incredible singer Austin Corini sing with his mom and the song we chose for Tony.(minute 54) She loved his voice.. I watched messages from cousins and aunts and uncles. .. I enjoyed surprising everybody that came up to speak with a little song of their own.

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I had Poker Face by Lady Gaga play.. I can just imagine Jennifer proudly laughing at this surprise.
I had Poker Face by Lady Gaga play.. I can just imagine Jennifer proudly laughing at this surprise.

She would have loved that. She honestly would have loved all of it. And I am so grateful for all the help I had putting it on. Valley Christian for allowing us to us their campus and taking care of all of the logistics. Our incredible friend Mike that took on the nearly impossible job of officiating the whole thing… It was exactly right for us. My friend that stepped up to handle planning/organizing the whole thing. Thank you Lindsay. My friend that put together everything media.. videos and music.. Thank you Heather. And my family and friends that shared themselves and stories of Jennifer with so many people. .. Of their last perfect day with her. And so many special memories.

You want to know how you can help somebody in the beginning of loss.. lend your talents for the services. Let them plan as much or as little as they want and then take it off their plates. Even the .. I don’t even know what its called. .. the pamphlet you get coming in.. I got to pick the pictures and come up with the words for all of it.. and I love it still.. but my friend Char designed it.

My brothers insisted on meeting us at the end of the aisle. I think they were worried we couldn't do it. .. but especially I think it was all they knew to do to show their love, for her. For me.
My brothers insisted on meeting us at the end of the aisle. I think they were worried we couldn’t do it. .. but especially I think it was all they knew to do to show their love, for her. For me.

It helped so much. It made for a perfect day. And I am so grateful for that day. Somehow I wish I could re-live it. Because I miss it. I miss the world really thinking how badly I was hurting. Because I think I’m finally now about where people thought I was then. The shock of child loss even when you know its coming… its a force beyond explanation. A year later I think the fog has lifted.

Seeing clearly really sucks sometimes.

I just hurt. I just miss my daughter. She should be in first grade. She never ever will be.

She was good. She was so very good. I listened to so many people share the same things about her.. her laugh. her eyes. her perseverance and her example. When I grow up I want to be just like her.

She was often scared.. But she never every quit. Not even in the end, its more that she just finally chose to move on..
She was often scared.. But she never ever quit. Not even in the end, its more that she just finally chose to move on..

I wonder if it has lifted? I wonder if in a year I will hurt even deeper and long for the safety of right now.

My friend came over today. The one that lost her daughter who has supported me through all of this.. and when she left I asked about who taught her kids to tie their shoes, because I swear, that and riding a bike and driving are the three things I will not be able to teach mine. A fairly innocuous question .. She started to explain then maybe 2 kids in.. she paused. and simply said that her Brecken never got to learn how. .. and then continued on with the rest of the kids. And I thought thats it. 8+years later that’s it.

That is what child loss will forever be.

Moments freeze you up.. things your oldest never gets to do that your youngest now can. Its always that cold harsh slap. Because she didn’t really even say it. She just breathed the words. I think it comes from a deeper place than just our minds.. Its our hearts and souls talking.. Even when we don’t know they have a voice.

And its just a silly little thing really. But I am so happy to know something more about my daughters friend. This little girl I have never met.. that I somehow just know was waiting there for Jennifer when I wasn’t.

I dont know how to explain how much that means to me. Because I don’t know anything about what its really like for her. And it drives me insane. She is only 6..  I should be signing permission slips..I should know her friends. .so knowing just one more thing. It’s a gift really. One I never wanted. One I am grateful for.

i love you

i miss you

how can i honor you?

later3…until there is a cure..

 

14 Responses to “a thousand years”

  1. There are many things in this world I do not know…but with all certainty, I know you honor your beautiful Jennifer every day. A stranger like me has shed tears for your child, because you choose to share her with us. You honor her in your tears, and laughter. You honor her in the midst of your doubts and fears. And in every moment of joy. The depth of your pain, is only a reflection of your love.

    Prayers for you, and your family never cease, as you walk this broken path. She is never more than just one breath away.

    1. Beautiful, Jess! You summed it up perfectly.

      Libby, you have honored Jennifer in so many ways and you continue to do so. She is so proud of you.

      I don’t know what heaven is like, but hopefully she has met some wonderful souls. My grandma who died of cancer is there. Hopefully she is being a surrogate grandmother to Jennifer and showing her the ropes. My grandma loved all things Disney so many Jennifer is teaching her all the songs from Frozen. I like that thought.

  2. Beautifully said, Jess. My thoughts put into your beautiful words. Thank you for that because today I feel speechless. I attended Jennifer Lynn’s service with my daughter and granddaughter. Julianna wasn’t even talking yet. Now Julianna sees a butterfly and announces that Jennifer just visited us. I can’t imagine anything, Libby. What must you be feeling and missing. All I can say and know is that we will always keep Jennifer and all of you in our daily prayers…until there is a cure…and forever after

  3. These pictures just take my breath away….and some of them make me cry without ever knowing her in person. I can’t even imagine what you must feel. She is beautiful, that smile warms up the heart of everybody. You’ll see that smile one day again, I’m sure.

  4. Every single day, every single moment you honor dear Jennifer. In the way you love so fiercely for all 4 (5) of them, to the very way you carry this burden. You are a source of inspiration to us all. Im so sorry for that. The difference you are making in the cancer world will be felt forever.
    Love and prayers

  5. Libby. …you honor Jennifer everyday by speaking thinking and fighting for her..EVERYDAY YOU DO THIS! With each second you love her siblings you are honoring her because it is what she would have done here and what she continues to so from above. I still can’t imagine what you are going through, I don’t think it is a reality that anyone can until the horror of it happens to them. I can only feel that Jennifer continues to be so very proud of you and loves you more for continuing to live for her and turning the “no” into “yes”

  6. Every moment you get up and live you are honoring her! That day was so special…I am glad you were able to share so much about her with us that day…and I remember that moment when you said you didn’t want to stop talking about her…I didn’t want you to either. I am glad I got to bake cupcakes for the reception after, it helped me feel helpful, even if it was a drop in the bucket. I remember just the hugest feeling of love during the whole day. From her, I’m sure.

  7. With all you are doing for pediatric cancer you are honoring her every single second, minute, hour and day. She will be remembered because you chose to share her story with us. Through all your posts, tears, and actions it shows how much you love and honor Jennifer. I pray that the day will come that because of the tumor you donated they find a cure. I hope that someday they will have a medical center named after her because of her tumorthey were able of finding a cure. You are such a generous mother and loving mother and its not hard to see the love you have for Jennifer and for your other children. Thank you for letting me part of this mission and I will do my best to support it any way I can. Until there is a cure I will be here .

  8. So beautifully said..your words literally take my breath away. She is right by your side and all of your pictures are truly amazing. Prayers for strength everyday Libby. LOVE4JLK

  9. You did an amazing job speaking at her celebration Libby! I don’t know how you did it! What a beautiful tribute. Thank you so much for sharing this memory with us. It was precious. I cannot imagine what you went through. Are going through. She is proud of you Libby!

  10. I will never forget how I felt attending Jennifer’s services. Her services were beautiful just as she was. You are honoring her everyday in the way you are raising your living children, in what you are doing with Unravel, and in the way you are teaching all of us how to appreciate and savor what we have with our own children. Your strength and the beautiful person/mom that are showed as you spoke at the services. Prayers and love to you always <3

  11. Still reading, remembering and spreading the glitter! That is how you honor Jennifer, her legacy is living on through your writing and all of us helping spread that glitter!! xoxooxoxoxxoo Until there is a cure

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