Category: after death

rattling reminders

We went to do lab tours at Stanford yesterday. I wasn’t feeling so great last night so I went to bed right after the kids. I thought I would have plenty of time to write all about it tonight.. But life and memories stepped in the way. .. So tonight I write for me. I’ve never been that mom that freaks out over things with my kids. I have a dr thats over 30 mins away because he is awesome and my plan was always to switch over to him after Charlotte was 1, done with the constant well baby check ups,  since I knew we would have so few visits. But there are things. Moments really that simply knock me over. I’ve had two this week. Jonathan’s newest food avoidance strategy has been to say the food makes his head hurt. And he holds the same spot at the back[…]

sorrow

*** I debated sharing this. I wrote it last week. Its just a snapshot. A time in the midst of my desperate sorrow I was able to write *** my heart. sometimes i wonder if i can take this. i miss her so much so incredibly much more than i ever thought possible. i cry and my body contorts.. forcefully .. against my will. i have no control over it. i wail . i sob. noises i didn’t know i could make coming out of me. i fold from the inside i double over only to throw my body back again. forcefully. silence. pouring out of me. a silence so deep and so dark i am drenched .. soaking wet from my tears and sweat when i miss her like this.. its consuming my hands hurt.. from being clenched so tightly … grinding into my forehead pushing my head backwards[…]

final resting place

Why? Why me? Why us? Why her? why? Today I am stuck. Deep in a hole of feeling sorry for myself. wanting so much to just have her back. To have my whole life back. I am trapped asking why? Today I want to go lay in bed. And just cry. And feel sorry for myself. I can’t though I am lucky enough to have my still living 3… but today I wish I didn’t have to. Today I wish I could just retreat away.. laying in my bed all day. But all consuming grief is not a option during my kids waking hours.. Its hard. Somedays really truly hard to do. I want to find the words to share about the day we finally laid buried her. Her final resting place. The one I am looking forward to joining her in one day. But I can’t seem to find[…]

middle aged

Hindsight is 20/20 .. what a cruel thing that clarity can be. Nicholas is 3 now.  He got to be our families superstar for the day. Jonathan did the best at making it that way. After staying up to decorate like I shared here  he showered him with love and attention. It was quite incredible to watch him. A beautiful combination of the gentle and kind and giving person he is made to be and the loving and supportive big brother Jennifer taught him to be. i hope so much she is still teaching him. still finding ways to reach him and impact him Tony and I were both so proud of the way he was all day with his little brother.. genuinely excited for him and helping him in any way he could in earnest. So we thanked him profusely and shared our pride in him with him. I hope[…]

bury my daughter

Its been a hard day. Just lots of up and down moments. The little ones.. looking at costumes with Charlotte.. knowing how much she would have loved them if her big sister was around.. because Jennifer would have picked them out for her. Asking a friend for baby doll toy advice for Charlotte.. since I already am feeling like a unseasoned mom to a girl. Then the big ones. Calls from the hospital about bills we know are taken care of. Having .. or maybe its more like getting to say her name.. to say her birthdate and all of her information. I wonder if today was the last day I will be asked that? Followed quickly by a peek into my email to see that her headstone is finally completed. .. we just need to make a final payment and then decide when to put it in the ground.[…]

presence

I waited to write, then I waited to share. Waited til I was ready to share one of the most personal experiences I have had since she died. Sometimes things happen and I know I won’t share.. sometimes things happen and I know I will.. This was one. But I had to just absorb it.. and cherish it all by myself for a little while…. I go the opportunity to go to 2 Sara Bareilles concerts this past week. I am so lucky! The 2nd night was the original one that had been planned for quite awhile, my sister in law got us both tickets. Another sister in law and my niece ended up coming as well, but sat in a different area. It was quite the journey to get there. . for the 3 of us. I had decided earlier in the week that this would be Jennifer’s first[…]

i’m sorry

Is there a trade off? Two positive blog posts..here and here frankly some of the best I think I have ever written.. Does that mean the dark becomes so much stronger when it comes again? I haven’t been able to shake the overwhelming pain from last night. I am so sad. I feel so broken. I miss her so much. One of my best friends daughters starts kinder tomorrow. I know it will be a hard day. I should be at her house now helping her to prepare. I should be there sitting on her front porch when she gets home. I just can’t. I am too hollow to absorb anybody else’s pain. Sometimes I really really hate the new me. I am struggling right now. . just missing my daughter so simply and so completely. Scared of the future and how I am going to survive this year after[…]

half a year

6 months. Half a year. So long since I have touched her.. yet still so long until I feel her again. “They” say that most kids don’t come through for their parents for a minimum of 6 months… I have been waiting for and dreading this day. Because now I am truly waiting for my dream with her.. yet still terrified of the nightmare.. Somehow 6 months feel so much longer than 5 months. This 11th was quite different from the last ones I have experienced. Tonight I went to go assemble the fluttering kits. They are beautiful.. I am proud of what we have accomplished. But mostly I am moved. I hope fluttering becomes bigger and so much more than Jennifer. But the truth is.. this year its all about her, and tonight I let myself enjoy that. The vast majority of people ordering kits did so because of[…]

nano course

I was invited to this thing called a nano course here at Stanford. Its a small invite only week long conference. The basic idea is to train some parents/foundation people to be liaisons for the medical community. What that means is much of what I was taught went over my head!! Some easy take aways I can share now ..  A lot of the stuff we learned wasn’t specific to childhood cancer.. but translated to all cancers. Like a 3D gel that can mimic tissue better than other mediums. .. a big step up from a petri dish, but more accessible than a animal model. The head of that lab was so jazzed and into it. It was pretty remarkable to see. That leads me to my next easy take away. There are so many cogs in this machine. We heard from multiple different heads of labs. That are all[…]

Tahoe in pictures

We had a good trip. I think in part because I did so much hard grieving before we left. The 3 days leading up to the trip were pretty miserable for me … and in turn my kids and husband. My family drives my bonkers sometimes. I get my feelings hurt.. and I am sure I hurt feelings in return.But my biggest take away from the trip… I love my family so very much and they love me.. my husband and my babies. All 4 of them.  If we can raise my 3 living to be the kids, teens and young adults my nephews/nieces are .. well then I will consider it a job very well done. I just wish that my Jennifer could have been given the opportunity to grow with this incredible mix of people. She would have learned so much.. and I believe taught us so much.[…]