Its been a hard day. Just lots of up and down moments.
The little ones.. looking at costumes with Charlotte.. knowing how much she would have loved them if her big sister was around.. because Jennifer would have picked them out for her. Asking a friend for baby doll toy advice for Charlotte.. since I already am feeling like a unseasoned mom to a girl.
Then the big ones. Calls from the hospital about bills we know are taken care of. Having .. or maybe its more like getting to say her name.. to say her birthdate and all of her information. I wonder if today was the last day I will be asked that?
Followed quickly by a peek into my email to see that her headstone is finally completed. .. we just need to make a final payment and then decide when to put it in the ground. .. and then her.
We have to bury my daughter,
no. please. no
I want a place to visit her. A place thats hers. She won’t get her first apartment or a college dorm. This is it. So we took our time designing it. And we picked out the right plot that will one day house her and her Mama and Daddy together again.
I loved how she called me that. .. I dreaded the day I became Mom to her.. now I yearn for it. Ache for something that will never ever happen. I know its a waste of time.. but I can’t control the want.. the incredible longing for it. Just to watch her grow up. To play a sport other than tee-ball or learn to tie her own shoes…
Today I miss her so damn much. Whats it like there baby girl? I wish so much I could just have a conversation with you.
I guess this carved piece of granite is her forever front door.. a place that we can go visit with her.. I thought I was ready. til it slammed me in black and white. Jennifer’s cemetery marker is complete.
we have to bury my daughter
but she is only 6
…until there is a cure…