bury my daughter

Its been a hard day. Just lots of up and down moments.

The little ones.. looking at costumes with Charlotte.. knowing how much she would have loved them if her big sister was around.. because Jennifer would have picked them out for her. Asking a friend for baby doll toy advice for Charlotte.. since I already am feeling like a unseasoned mom to a girl.

costume
Our girls. I was so happy with our bookends.

Then the big ones. Calls from the hospital about bills we know are taken care of. Having .. or maybe its more like getting to say her name.. to say her birthdate and all of her information. I wonder if today was the last day I will be asked that?

Followed quickly by a peek into my email to see that her headstone is finally completed. .. we just need to make a final payment and then decide when to put it in the ground. .. and then her.

We have to bury my daughter,

no. please. no

I want a place to visit her. A place thats hers. She won’t get her first apartment or a college dorm. This is it. So we took our time designing it. And we picked out the right plot that will one day house her and her Mama and Daddy together again.

selfie

I loved how she called me that. .. I dreaded the day I became Mom to her.. now I yearn for it. Ache for something that will never ever happen. I know its a waste of time.. but I can’t control the want.. the incredible longing for it. Just to watch her grow up. To play a sport other than tee-ball or learn to tie her own shoes…

Today I miss her so damn much. Whats it like there baby girl? I wish so much I could just have a conversation with you.

I guess this carved piece of granite is her forever front door.. a place that we can go visit with her.. I thought I was ready.                     til it slammed me in black and white.  Jennifer’s cemetery marker is complete. 

we have to bury my daughter

but she is only 6

no.please.no

end

…until there is a cure…

24 Responses to “bury my daughter”

  1. Libby, you’re strength is amazing. I’m sure you don’t feel strong, but know that you are. I approached you in the pool at Gilroy Gardens the other day & said hello. I hesitated at first, but I’m glad I did. Seeing you with your all your beautiful children was inspiring. Your necklace was shining with that beautiful face. I just wanted to tell you that Jennifer has touched my life without me knowing her personally. Your family and your journey are inspiring others & making a difference. Bless you all.

  2. Still reading, and so sad for you. No parent should ever have to bury their child.
    Jennifer ‘ s forever front door is beautiful. I hope it becomes a calming, welcoming place for all of you. I imagine your boys will grow to love it… Charlotte too. Thinking of all of you, and praying for your family of 6.

  3. Just want to say I’m still here. . . . reading, and as of tonight, . . . fluttering! It felt GREAT!!!
    For Jennifer. . . . until there is a cure.

  4. Contemplating for long time what to say…it is just breaking my heart…every time I imagine having to loose a child, a daughter or a son. Then the need to bury her. I think I would try to force myself to think of her grave as a memorial where people who loved her can come and feel they are directly talking to her, like a kind of physical existence of something I need to be able to talk to her. And force myself to concentrate on that it is not the place where she really is. That she is in my heart and her soul is in heaven where she does not need a body. A body that would just be a burden to her existence. I believe it also helps that you kept part of her with you forever. Something you can hold on to in the darkest moments…. But this all… still doesn’t save us from the tears we shed for your sweet Jennifer. Thinking of all of you….

  5. A place of her own. She won’t really be there. But a place for those left behind to visit. It doesn’t seem possible. I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep saying her name- Jennifer- and raising money and awareness because I hate this disease and what it does to kids, but also what it does to their families.

  6. Still reading, Libby. In Portuguese, we say “força.” Which often is said to somebody going through a hard time in the context of “stay strong.” But I like how it also means “force” (as in strength, physical force). May you stay strong and find the force inside you to forge ahead with Unravel, in Jennifer’s name.

  7. I still read every post, Libby. I’m so sorry this benchmark has brought more pain to you. I say her name every day, and am reminded of her every time I see glitter stuck to me, to Scarlett, and when I see dragonflies. It’s like I get an overwhelming feeling to say “Hi, Jennifer” when I see it. It reminds me to continue to say her name and raise awareness. I’m really looking forward to the day when you can say “My daughter helped find a cure for cancer…and she was only 6 years old when she did it”. Continuing to send my love and prayers to you.

  8. I know it is hard but at least she has a place that you can go and see her. You can make Dates to be with her. I never planned on seeing my dad but I have gone 3 times in 2 days. Jennifer loved you so very much.

  9. Big hugs to you, Libby. You’re strength continues to amaze me. Still spreading the glitter and sending all 6 of you so much love and prayers. XO

    Jennifer<3

    #love4jlkalways

  10. I read this last night and it took my breath away and i couldn’t figure out how to respond. no, please, no… just gets me. you shouldn’t have to do this. what a hard day. I hope dealing with it a little at a time will help you when it is the actual day. Jennifer is so proud of you and Tony. hugs and prayers to all of you.

  11. There are no words, just none. Just an enormous wave of soul crushing sadness in my chest. Having said that, her pictures ALWAYS blow me away. She lived an incredibly rich life. I am so sure of that, please be proud, you made her happier than many people are even after they live a full adult life. Love to see her happyness through your lens.

  12. This really resonated with me.”I wanted a place to visit her.” Yes! I have waited 14 years while my father kept my Mom’s ashes. He just died recently and we buried them together. Waiting for the grave marker. And a place to go…to grieve, to be happy, say hi. I’ve missed that for 14 years. I hope this will bring you comfort. I do read every day and don’t (almost never comment). But having a “place” whether a grave, a bench, a tree…I think is helpful! I’m hoping so; anyway (hasn’t come in yet!!). BUT I really hope this helps you too!!

  13. Words can be so damn inadequate at times. So today I won’t use many of them. Just please know that I am thinking, praying, and sending all the love I possess your way. Today and every day. Xx

  14. I’ve been so caught up in fluttering, in feeling motion, in being charged up to help. But for you there is still steady, quiet, deep, deep reality that doesn’t ever go away. I’m sorry endlessly. I hope that having her stone there will provide some modicum of comfort, some sense of a place you know you can always meet up. xxooo

  15. I hear you. I see your heart. I read the words of someone I have never met and send you all the positive loving energy I can. Your words heal us all. They mend the easy every day we have. Your heart is seen and we hold you up in love.

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