So why are you doing this? (the whole fluttering campaign) To keep the promise you made to Jennifer? (Unravel itself)
I was asked that today in a interview. I wish I could say yes. But its simply not the truth. I am doing it because I am selfish and I know it could be another one of my babies again.. Or my friends kids.. or my nephew or niece. Experience does not make one immune to childhood cancer. This is why I am committed to Unraveling pediatric cancer.
Jennifer is gone. Curing cancer does nothing for her ..
i just want my baby back
And I am selfish. I am doing this so people say her name. If everybody that orders a kit moves it nightly that 10, 500 houses that see the dragonflies.. and learn the facts.. and maybe they even say her name. Maybe enough people whisper her name enough times and .. . what?
I don’t know what I think but I am sitting here typing words and quickly becoming drenched in my own damn sorrow.
I feel like I am gutted. Like somebody took a ice cream scoop and hollowed me out inside. I am so achingly lonely. And I am scared that she is the only thing that can fill in that empty hole. And I don’t know how to get back to her.. I love my children with everything I am .. all the good of me belongs to them. They each separately have all of me.
With her gone. .. ripped away from my arms.. my eyes.. my future..
I am gone too. . with her.. but not really because I cannot follow her. So I am just lost… wandering .. calling for her.
jennifer jennifer jennifer
Yet I have 3 living children who also each have all of me. The life of a bereaved mom sometimes feels a bit like a double agent.
We had the boys party tonight. I was a good mom. A 100% fake mom.. but a good one like they deserve. I was smiling and taking pictures. I was talking and laughing. Because they deserve it. They deserve the joy.. the moments to be about them. They deserve a pump it up party without a mom in tears. So that was the agent I tried to be.
We had talked about if they wanted to do something for Jennifer today. And what was decided was playing Jonathan’s song for her and inviting people to dance to it. When it came time to play the song Jonathan said no and wanted to do it later.. and at that time he didn’t want to speak about it. So we just had it play. He came over.. hugged me. Then hit me. It was the one time I almost blew my cover. For pictures they still wanted to have her picture in their hands. Jonathan’s cousin wanted to hold the picture too.. so he let him.
I did my job tonight though.. I think all 3 of my survivors had a great time. I think they will remember feeling loved and special today. Which they should because they are.
I did so well Tony didn’t know how upset I was. We fought later though because he made plans with friends tonight.. and I thought he should have just known that I would need him. Impossible task for him because I am, at 6 months on the job, already one helluva double agent.
Because every moment of happy I wanted to scream in the air.. to stop everybody .. to pull out my hair and be angry and yell..
but she isn’t here
how can we be happy
we will never be whole again
she isn’t here
i just want my baby back
…until there is a cure..