double agent

So why are you doing this? (the whole fluttering campaign)  To keep the promise you made to Jennifer? (Unravel itself)

I was asked that today in a interview. I wish I could say yes. But its simply not the truth. I am doing it because I am selfish and I know it could be another one of my babies again.. Or my friends kids.. or my nephew or niece. Experience does not make one immune to childhood cancer. This is why I am committed to Unraveling pediatric cancer.

Jennifer is gone. Curing cancer does nothing for her ..

i just want my baby back

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And I am selfish. I am doing this so people say her name. If everybody that orders a kit moves it nightly that 10, 500 houses that see the dragonflies.. and learn the facts.. and maybe they even say her name. Maybe enough people whisper her name enough times and .. . what?

and what?

I don’t even know the what.. do I think it will be enough breath behind her name to bring her back? Do I think if enough people have her name on their lips that she won’t be forgotten? glitter

I don’t know what I think but I am sitting here typing words and quickly becoming drenched in my own damn sorrow.

I feel like I am gutted. Like somebody took a ice cream scoop and hollowed me out inside. I am so achingly lonely. And I am scared that she is the only thing that can fill in that empty hole. And I don’t know how to get back to her.. I love my children with everything I am .. all the good of me belongs to them. They each separately have all of me.

I love this picture.. somehow feels like a stolen moment with all 4 of my kids.
I love this picture.. somehow feels like a stolen moment with all 4 of my kids.

 

With her gone. .. ripped away from my arms.. my eyes.. my future..

I am gone too. . with her.. but not really because I cannot follow her. So I am just lost… wandering .. calling for her.

jennifer jennifer jennifer

Yet I have 3 living children who also each have all of me. The life of a bereaved mom sometimes feels a bit like a double agent.

Jonathan.Nicholas.Charlotte.

three

We had the boys party tonight. I was a good mom. A 100% fake mom.. but a good one like they deserve. I was smiling and taking pictures. I was talking and laughing. Because they deserve it. They deserve the joy.. the moments to be about them. They deserve a pump it up party without a mom in tears. So that was the agent I tried to be.

Jonathan was so much happier when we sang to his little brother.
Jonathan was so much happier when we sang to his little brother.

We had talked about if they wanted to do something for Jennifer today. And what was decided was playing Jonathan’s song for her and inviting people to dance to it. When it came time to play the song Jonathan said no and wanted to do it later.. and at that time he didn’t want to speak about it. So we just had it play. He came over.. hugged me. Then hit me. It was the one time I almost blew my cover.  For pictures they still wanted to have her picture in their hands. Jonathan’s cousin wanted to hold the picture too.. so he let him.

The day they don’t..that will be a hard day for me.. But I know it will happen. For now though I just try to not think about it.. just take a picture of my completely incomplete family.. and smile.family

I did my job tonight though.. I think all 3 of my survivors had a great time. I think they will remember feeling loved and special today. Which they should because they are.

I did so well Tony didn’t know how upset I was. We fought later though because he made plans with friends tonight.. and I thought he should have just known that I would need him. Impossible task for him because I am, at 6 months on the job, already one helluva double agent.

Because every moment of happy I wanted to scream in the air.. to stop everybody .. to pull out my hair and be angry and yell..

but she isn’t here

how can we be happy

we will never be whole again

she isn’t here

i just want my baby back

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…until there is a cure..

19 Responses to “double agent”

  1. Libby, I love how you put that into words. And it’s OK. It’s not fake. You are both things. You are not even counting wife, working mom, and friend. You are those things too. Coexisting as two/three/four people aint easy.

    You captured a moment where you were able to pull it off. Good job. I already know you must have hundreds of moments every day where you pull it off. You do something outside of grieving and it must feel both right and like you are losing it. It’s OK. Thanks for putting it into words.

  2. EVERYTIME I read your blog it breaks my heart! You put into words what sooooo many people are feeling. You make it real! You may FEEL fake but you are the most real person around! Keep up your writing, I am sure it helps, you but know even people who have never met you or your family are touched by you all! Loving thoughts and prayers going out to you and your family!!!

  3. You are doing a really good job under the hardest circumstances. I feel your words. Keep taking pictures. You will remember all you were feeling at the time (when you look back at the photos) but in a softer light. I promise. xo

  4. I read your blogs daily! I didn’t start from the first blog but I went and have read every single one and I do find myself going back and reading them several times. You are such an amazing and strong woman! Yes you have your days and you may feel that those days are often but by golly you are a strong woman! You have placed Jennifer into my heart without even meeting her and in my heart she remains and will remain! She is a beautiful, awesome, wonderful child and will be forever 6 but amazingly always wonderful. I can’t wait till I can afford to buy a T-shirt (I actually want to get more than one as I feel I will wear it often). I think daily and often through out the day of her. You, Tony, and the kids are so strong and wonderful! Big hugs and lots of love to all of you!

  5. Today I accepted the Whipping Childhood Cancer challenge and donated to Unravel. So did my husband. We never would have known about the facts if it were not for you and this blog. We did it for them (not our kids, but for the ones still fighting) and because of her….Jennifer.

  6. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you all and say Jennifer’s name. Still praying for connection to Heaven and for the signs to be frequent. Such ultimate love cannot be parted. <3

  7. You are the best and strongest double agent…it’s not fake when you have an important mission to accomplish. And it’s not fake when you are truly, fundamentally conflicted and torn between several, equally valid emotions. Please be kind to yourself because you deserve kindness.

  8. You carry your burden with such strength and grace but that doesn’t make it anything less than an impossible burden. Sending you lots of hugs and thinking of your Jennifer.

  9. Libby I know I don’t know you personally, but you are so honest and raw in these blogs, that I kind of feel like I do. So I feel confident in saying that I don’t believe that you ever behave in a way that is fake. Ever. You are the real-est person I know. In you I simply see a mother who loves her children, and is doing her darnedest to do what’s best for all of them. And I see you succeeding despite the weight of grief that you carry daily. You have the most incredible strength and grace, It’s easy to see where Jennifer got hers from. Amazing just like her mama xx

  10. Oh. I am gutted reading this. I am so sorry you have to be a double agent and I am so sorry that her death is what is bringing a little more attention to childhood cancer. I will continue to say her name and think of your family. You are a great mom… full of strength, despite all this pain. xo

  11. You are so brave and strong…..I am so proud of you, and your drive to be happy for your family. I can only imagine, and feel your pain through your words. Stay strong xoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo For Jennifer! JENNIFER

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