Constant ache. Sometimes punctured with a pain so sharp I literally clutch my stomach.
Today has been a day where even the constant ache is so strong I sometimes doubt the strength of my legs to keep me upright.. so those moments of sharp… when they come.. well they feel like I am being cut apart.
But it’s nothing major. Its my attempt to be a normal mom again.. Cooking and cleaning with my babies underfoot. Somehow normalcy makes her absence so pronounced. We did play-doh and had a outside picnic. We had an ant attack and all vacuumed and squished ants with wet towels. Nicholas helped me prepare dinner and we have laundry waiting to be folded. Just a simple day.
Like our old life.. except it’s all so different.
I used to say when asked about having 4 kids (or still pregnant with our 4th) how I do it. And my answer was always her.
I have her to help me.
Days like today I seriously doubt my ability to raise them without her. She was my helper and their leader. I don’t know if I can truly teach them how to be the kind of people I want them to grow up to be. .. but I think she could have. She was genuinely a kind person. . in ways I didn’t even know about until she was gone. I found the email on the ground today.. that the mom from her school sent me. About her son that cried most of the day and was teased by some other kids in class.. about how Jennifer said hi to him and made his day. And the next found him alone on the playground and invited him to come play with her.
i don’t know if i can do this without you
i never thanked you enough. i never really told you how proud i was of you… not the way i should have.
just a moment to hold you. look you in the eyes.
i love you. i am so proud of you.
Today is a day where all I see is my regrets. My failures. I didn’t lay in bed with her enough.. not nearly enough. I didn’t tell her in detail what it is about her that I loved.. so much.. so damn much. Now I just stare into her frozen eyes in the pictures that consume me.. willing her to just blink.
I didn’t remember that she was part of my most important audience. Too often she got the worst of me.
i’m sorry buggers
Charlotte and I played in her room today. With her baby dolls and her barbies. I love my youngest so much.. but I want the daughter I could have had. I want the girl she would have been with 2 big brothers and a big sister. I wonder who my boys would be if she was still here.. how much softer they would both be? How much happier my children would be with her here?
So left alone for just a minute and I find myself flailing.. punching at the foot of the bed.
angry. hurting. rage filled. tears.
So many losses I grieve everyday. When she died everything changed. Everyone is different.
and I just want my old life back.
..until there is a cure..